Amanda has already dealt with this lovely list of banality from Evan Marc Katz, possessor of freakishly blue eyes and author of Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad, which, I assume, includes things like “Because you’re the sort of douchebag who would write an article entitled…”
11 Things Women Don’t Know About Men (Plus one thing they probably do know, but won’t admit)
Now as I said, Amanda’s shredded this list nicely, but let’s face it: she’s a girl. And these are things women don’t know about men. I, on the other hand, have a penis, so I’m more than qualified to read along with my fellow man and tell you just how brilliant he is. (I’ll give you a hint: not as brilliant as he thinks he is.)
Katz’s first point is classic, moronic tripe:
1. Getting angry at us for not reading your mind is like getting angry at yourself for not being able to fly. It’s not just futile, it’s physically impossible.
Now, are there times when women don’t communicate clearly about things they’re angry about? Sure there are. And those can be frustrating times. And I’ll be the first one to say that you’re always better off explaining why you’re angry rather than waiting for your partner to clue in.
But note: I’m not being gender-specific, because this isn’t a gender-specific complaint. There are all sorts of men who hide their feelings from their partners. I was one of them, and guess what? My ex-wife wasn’t any more of a mind-reader than I was. At least she expressed anger when she was angry, rather than even hiding that.
2. Yes, we do think Jessica Alba is hot. Sometimes we’re even dumb enough to admit it.
Now, maybe it’s just the circles I run in, but I’ve never been in a relationship where I couldn’t admit I found, say, Jessica Alba to be hot. And no girlfriend and/or wife has ever been unable to tell me that she finds, say, Vin Diesel to be hot.
You see, if you’re in a committed relationship with an adult, you recognize that while they may see someone and find them attractive, they’re still going home with you at the end of the night. Now, there’s a line between admitting the waitress over there is cute and staring her down while ignoring your date — but that’s not “admitting Jessica Alba’s hot,” but instead being an insufferable prig. Which, coincidentally, would be my description of Katz so far.
Now, three and four really go together:
3. Don’t ask us to understand your shoe fetish. Asking us to respect it is even sort of pushing it.
4. You do look good without makeup, just not as good as you look with it.
So, near as I can figure, Katz is saying: “You shouldn’t worry about your looks. But you should really worry about your looks.”
Do I understand why women want to buy many different kinds of shoes? Well, it seems to me that women are expected to own a number of different shoes to get by with a number of different outfits. But even if the answer is that you just like to buy shoes, so what? I like hockey sweaters. I never played hockey, but I think the sweaters are cool. If I buy the replica Soviet national team sweater to go along with my Team USA, University of Minnesota, Minnesota Wild, and View Askew sweaters, and then, say, add the St. Cloud State sweater, and the Boston University sweater, and the Charlestown Chiefs sweater…well, frankly, it won’t make any rational sense to buy any of them. But I like them, and would like to add them to the collection, and if I can afford them, so what?
I rather suspect that the answer applies to women and shoes, or frankly, men and shoes or women and hockey sweaters. We all engage in frivolity. So what?
As for the “you look better with makeup” — you know what? Sometimes that’s true. But I’m sure I look better in a suit and tie than in shorts and a t-shirt, and when I haven’t skipped shaving. But I’m not going to get dressed up every day, and I don’t expect my partner to get gussied up every day either — because frankly, I haven’t had a partner yet who couldn’t take my breath away when completely disheveled, without makeup, shaved legs or pits, while wearing sweats.
5. Ever notice how we don’t fight with our male friends? That’s why we get so frustrated when we fight with you.
First of all, this is a guy who never roomed with his friends. I have, and we fought. Not always, but sometimes — about money, or who was scrimping on their chores, or whether the cable bill had been paid on time…you know, the things that people in close relationships who are reliant on each other sometimes fight over.
Now, when I lived with friends, it was for three years, and we all knew at the end, we’d go off on our own. When you’re in a serious relationship, the stakes are even higher. If you get married, you’re at least trying to make it through the rest of your life with your partner. You may have kids, a mortgage, a 401(k)…or you may just share a house and be in a close relationship with someone you’re reliant on.
We fight over things that matter. If they didn’t matter, they wouldn’t be worth fighting over. I don’t trust people who are unwilling to fight. I trust even less people who preemptively shut down fights by declaring them somehow off limits. If your relationship matters, it should be worth a stern discussion — and if it isn’t worth that, your partner should bid you adieu.
6. You care what you’re wearing infinitely more than we do. In fact, if you’re naked when you open the front door, you won’t hear an argument from us.
If you get the sense that Mr. Katz has internalized our society’s bizarre, schizoid beauty standards, you’re right.
I love the joke about being naked, however. That’s great when you’re at home. However, I imagine Katz would prefer his partners not be naked when they meet his parents, or go to dinner with friends. Indeed, given that three of his eleven things women “don’t know” have to do with their appearance and dress, I’d say he cares quite a bit about what his partner’s wearing, at all times.
7. You don’t like to get hit on in public, you don’t want to date online and you don’t want to be set up on blind dates. Tell us if sending messenger pigeons is an appropriate way of courting. Because if it is, we’re all over it.
You know, it’s really hard getting rejected. And I’m all for moving toward an egalitarian society where men and women pursue and are pursued equally. But you know, Evan Marc Katz (three names? really?), the fact that the women you run into don’t like getting hit on in public, dating online, or getting set up on blind dates with you might be a sign. (Incidentally, in case you were wondering: yes, ladies, Evan is single. Or he soon will be, given that he mentioned no spouse in his bio.)
Also, you know, it’s okay for a woman to go out in public and not get hit on. Sometimes she might not want to get hit on. And she’s unlikely to respond favorably to getting hit on if she doesn’t want to be.
And that doesn’t make her the bad guy.
8. There should a statute of limitations on stupid things that we said that can come back to haunt us. I propose 24 hours.
Well, it really depends on the stupid thing, doesn’t it? Grousing in the morning before you get your coffee really should be excused immediately by all parties. Saying, “You know, I think that Evan Marc Katz has some interesting points,” though, might be good for years of mockery. Calling your partner the b-word gives your partner free reign to bring that up in any situation, ever, for the rest of your life.
Calling your partner the c-word can result in castration, and if you avoid that, you’re lucky.
Frankly, while it may be frustrating to be reminded of something dumb you said last year, you said it, skippy. If you don’t like it, maybe you can remember some things that anger and frustrate you, and share those. And maybe then you both can talk honestly, and get down to the root of your frustration, like adults should. But that’s crazy talk.
9. Cooking dinner for a man is like buying flowers for a woman, except it takes a lot more time, effort and thought for you to do it. Thanks. We appreciate it.
I know women who find flowers to be a complete waste of money, and men who would rather cook for them and their partners than let their partners near the stove. So on that level alone, this falls apart.
But there’s something rather dark and sinister in the “Thanks. We appreciate it.” Maybe it’s just me, but I almost can hear the sneer in the line. It doesn’t ring true. It seems more like he’s saying, “Women should cook for men, because men like being served. Thanks for serving me.”
There’s a reason they’re partners, and not slaves.
10. We actually like your girly pet-names for us, but please, not in front of the guys!
Yeah, because the guys might get the idea that we’re in a loving relationship, and we couldn’t have that!
11. Just because we like looking at the women in Maxim doesn’t mean we want to actually converse with the women in Maxim. Not for long, anyway.
Right, because the chicks in Maxim are total sluts. Which is why we wouldn’t want to talk to them, we would just fuck them. Good girls don’t, and bad girls do — you know that, right?
Now can I have a blowjob? Why not?
Okay, now we’ve heaped a hearty dose of snark on Mr. Katz, but really, nothing can prepare you for the beauty of his thing women probably do know, but won’t admit. Are you ready?
Are you ready?
All right, here it is:
12. Your nice guy friends are the most reliable source for telling you if your new boyfriend’s a jerk. And he probably is. (By the way, you might want to consider marrying that nice guy who’s giving you advice about the jerk.)
Bask in the glow.
That’s right, ladies! The Nice Guy® that you’re hanging out with, the one who would totally put you on a pedestal but you’re the kind of bitch who only dates bad guys and you don’t want to date him because you’re so stuck up but he really loves you, honest, and you should love him just because is the perfect person for you.
Incidentally, given that The Nice Guy® is interested in dating you, he’s probably not going to be a reliable guide to whether your new boyfriend’s a jerk. Your nice guy friends who are in actual relationships might be able to help you, but that’s not who Katz is discussing here.
You know, I can’t imagine why he’s still single, but I think if I was his friend, I’d tell him that it’s because frankly, he’s lucky any woman has ever allowed him to touch her, and that his best hope for long-term companionship is a dog. But that’s just me; I’m probably not a Nice Guy®.