Eleven Signs Your Boyfriend is a Complete Cobag (Okay, Twelve)

Amanda has already dealt with this lovely list of banality from Evan Marc Katz, possessor of freakishly blue eyes and author of Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad, which, I assume, includes things like “Because you’re the sort of douchebag who would write an article entitled…”

11 Things Women Don’t Know About Men (Plus one thing they probably do know, but won’t admit)

Now as I said, Amanda’s shredded this list nicely, but let’s face it: she’s a girl. And these are things women don’t know about men. I, on the other hand, have a penis, so I’m more than qualified to read along with my fellow man and tell you just how brilliant he is. (I’ll give you a hint: not as brilliant as he thinks he is.)

Katz’s first point is classic, moronic tripe:

1. Getting angry at us for not reading your mind is like getting angry at yourself for not being able to fly. It’s not just futile, it’s physically impossible.

Now, are there times when women don’t communicate clearly about things they’re angry about? Sure there are. And those can be frustrating times. And I’ll be the first one to say that you’re always better off explaining why you’re angry rather than waiting for your partner to clue in.

But note: I’m not being gender-specific, because this isn’t a gender-specific complaint. There are all sorts of men who hide their feelings from their partners. I was one of them, and guess what? My ex-wife wasn’t any more of a mind-reader than I was. At least she expressed anger when she was angry, rather than even hiding that.

2. Yes, we do think Jessica Alba is hot. Sometimes we’re even dumb enough to admit it.

Now, maybe it’s just the circles I run in, but I’ve never been in a relationship where I couldn’t admit I found, say, Jessica Alba to be hot. And no girlfriend and/or wife has ever been unable to tell me that she finds, say, Vin Diesel to be hot.

You see, if you’re in a committed relationship with an adult, you recognize that while they may see someone and find them attractive, they’re still going home with you at the end of the night. Now, there’s a line between admitting the waitress over there is cute and staring her down while ignoring your date — but that’s not “admitting Jessica Alba’s hot,” but instead being an insufferable prig. Which, coincidentally, would be my description of Katz so far.

Now, three and four really go together:

3. Don’t ask us to understand your shoe fetish. Asking us to respect it is even sort of pushing it.

 

4. You do look good without makeup, just not as good as you look with it.

So, near as I can figure, Katz is saying: “You shouldn’t worry about your looks. But you should really worry about your looks.”

Do I understand why women want to buy many different kinds of shoes? Well, it seems to me that women are expected to own a number of different shoes to get by with a number of different outfits. But even if the answer is that you just like to buy shoes, so what? I like hockey sweaters. I never played hockey, but I think the sweaters are cool. If I buy the replica Soviet national team sweater to go along with my Team USA, University of Minnesota, Minnesota Wild, and View Askew sweaters, and then, say, add the St. Cloud State sweater, and the Boston University sweater, and the Charlestown Chiefs sweater…well, frankly, it won’t make any rational sense to buy any of them. But I like them, and would like to add them to the collection, and if I can afford them, so what?

I rather suspect that the answer applies to women and shoes, or frankly, men and shoes or women and hockey sweaters. We all engage in frivolity. So what?

As for the “you look better with makeup” — you know what? Sometimes that’s true. But I’m sure I look better in a suit and tie than in shorts and a t-shirt, and when I haven’t skipped shaving. But I’m not going to get dressed up every day, and I don’t expect my partner to get gussied up every day either — because frankly, I haven’t had a partner yet who couldn’t take my breath away when completely disheveled, without makeup, shaved legs or pits, while wearing sweats.

5. Ever notice how we don’t fight with our male friends? That’s why we get so frustrated when we fight with you.

First of all, this is a guy who never roomed with his friends. I have, and we fought. Not always, but sometimes — about money, or who was scrimping on their chores, or whether the cable bill had been paid on time…you know, the things that people in close relationships who are reliant on each other sometimes fight over.

Now, when I lived with friends, it was for three years, and we all knew at the end, we’d go off on our own. When you’re in a serious relationship, the stakes are even higher. If you get married, you’re at least trying to make it through the rest of your life with your partner. You may have kids, a mortgage, a 401(k)…or you may just share a house and be in a close relationship with someone you’re reliant on.

We fight over things that matter. If they didn’t matter, they wouldn’t be worth fighting over. I don’t trust people who are unwilling to fight. I trust even less people who preemptively shut down fights by declaring them somehow off limits. If your relationship matters, it should be worth a stern discussion — and if it isn’t worth that, your partner should bid you adieu.

6. You care what you’re wearing infinitely more than we do. In fact, if you’re naked when you open the front door, you won’t hear an argument from us.

If you get the sense that Mr. Katz has internalized our society’s bizarre, schizoid beauty standards, you’re right.

I love the joke about being naked, however. That’s great when you’re at home. However, I imagine Katz would prefer his partners not be naked when they meet his parents, or go to dinner with friends. Indeed, given that three of his eleven things women “don’t know” have to do with their appearance and dress, I’d say he cares quite a bit about what his partner’s wearing, at all times.

7. You don’t like to get hit on in public, you don’t want to date online and you don’t want to be set up on blind dates. Tell us if sending messenger pigeons is an appropriate way of courting. Because if it is, we’re all over it.

You know, it’s really hard getting rejected. And I’m all for moving toward an egalitarian society where men and women pursue and are pursued equally. But you know, Evan Marc Katz (three names? really?), the fact that the women you run into don’t like getting hit on in public, dating online, or getting set up on blind dates with you might be a sign. (Incidentally, in case you were wondering: yes, ladies, Evan is single. Or he soon will be, given that he mentioned no spouse in his bio.)

Also, you know, it’s okay for a woman to go out in public and not get hit on. Sometimes she might not want to get hit on. And she’s unlikely to respond favorably to getting hit on if she doesn’t want to be.

And that doesn’t make her the bad guy.

8. There should a statute of limitations on stupid things that we said that can come back to haunt us. I propose 24 hours.

Well, it really depends on the stupid thing, doesn’t it? Grousing in the morning before you get your coffee really should be excused immediately by all parties. Saying, “You know, I think that Evan Marc Katz has some interesting points,” though, might be good for years of mockery. Calling your partner the b-word gives your partner free reign to bring that up in any situation, ever, for the rest of your life.

Calling your partner the c-word can result in castration, and if you avoid that, you’re lucky.

Frankly, while it may be frustrating to be reminded of something dumb you said last year, you said it, skippy. If you don’t like it, maybe you can remember some things that anger and frustrate you, and share those. And maybe then you both can talk honestly, and get down to the root of your frustration, like adults should. But that’s crazy talk.

9. Cooking dinner for a man is like buying flowers for a woman, except it takes a lot more time, effort and thought for you to do it. Thanks. We appreciate it.

I know women who find flowers to be a complete waste of money, and men who would rather cook for them and their partners than let their partners near the stove. So on that level alone, this falls apart.

But there’s something rather dark and sinister in the “Thanks. We appreciate it.” Maybe it’s just me, but I almost can hear the sneer in the line. It doesn’t ring true. It seems more like he’s saying, “Women should cook for men, because men like being served. Thanks for serving me.”

There’s a reason they’re partners, and not slaves.

10. We actually like your girly pet-names for us, but please, not in front of the guys!

Yeah, because the guys might get the idea that we’re in a loving relationship, and we couldn’t have that!

11. Just because we like looking at the women in Maxim doesn’t mean we want to actually converse with the women in Maxim. Not for long, anyway.

Right, because the chicks in Maxim are total sluts. Which is why we wouldn’t want to talk to them, we would just fuck them. Good girls don’t, and bad girls do — you know that, right?

Now can I have a blowjob? Why not?

Okay, now we’ve heaped a hearty dose of snark on Mr. Katz, but really, nothing can prepare you for the beauty of his thing women probably do know, but won’t admit. Are you ready?

Are you ready?

All right, here it is:

12. Your nice guy friends are the most reliable source for telling you if your new boyfriend’s a jerk. And he probably is. (By the way, you might want to consider marrying that nice guy who’s giving you advice about the jerk.)

Bask in the glow.

That’s right, ladies! The Nice Guy® that you’re hanging out with, the one who would totally put you on a pedestal but you’re the kind of bitch who only dates bad guys and you don’t want to date him because you’re so stuck up but he really loves you, honest, and you should love him just because is the perfect person for you.

Incidentally, given that The Nice Guy® is interested in dating you, he’s probably not going to be a reliable guide to whether your new boyfriend’s a jerk. Your nice guy friends who are in actual relationships might be able to help you, but that’s not who Katz is discussing here.

You know, I can’t imagine why he’s still single, but I think if I was his friend, I’d tell him that it’s because frankly, he’s lucky any woman has ever allowed him to touch her, and that his best hope for long-term companionship is a dog. But that’s just me; I’m probably not a Nice Guy®.

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157 Comments

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157 responses to “Eleven Signs Your Boyfriend is a Complete Cobag (Okay, Twelve)

  1. tart

    We actually like your girly pet-names for us, but please, not in front of the guys!

    Whence this silly and unfounded meme that only women create affectionate pet-names? What the fuck makes pet-names girly? My last boyfriend had a bout twenty for me. In fact, he IM’d me today with the greeting, ‘how’s my squishy little dumpling today?’ And I know he wouldn’t be embarrassed about that ‘in front of the guys’ because he’s ‘not an insecure tool.’

  2. This is why everyone should have a gay or lesbian friend.

    Seeing what happens in a same-sex relationship makes you realize that the issues many straight couples assume are male/female issues are really just people issues.

  3. oddjob

    Yeah, because the guys might get the idea that we’re in a loving relationship, and we couldn’t have that!

    Actually, I think it’s probably more like, “because then the guys will tease me just the way they did in 6th grade the first time I asked a girl out and one of my best buds found out. I just can’t stand that!!!”

    Jeff, you’re a nicer guy than I am. A dude like this I check out if he’s handsome, but invariably otherwise avoid.

  4. About the whole shoe thing–there was a time, when I was a teenager, when I had two pairs of shoes: sneakers and not-sneakers. But now that I am an adult, I’ve discovered, much to my dismay, that there are often reasons to own more than two pairs of shoes, to the point where my collection often rivals Amy’s (though she’s not really a shoe-hound). 2 pair of sneakers (one that’s dogged out for crud work), a pair of brown dress shoes, a pair of black dress shoes, a pair of Birkenstocks, a pair of flip-flops, and hiking boots. I have little doubt that I’m alone in this, and I’m not really under any pressure to match shoes up with different colors of clothes, the way women are.

    I’d be willing to bet that Evan there has at least five pairs of shoes sitting in his closet right now, the co-bag.

  5. Dan

    HA! Did anyone else keep expecting Katz to offer advice to such as:

    1) get a cool car
    2) Buy a leather jacket
    3) Smoke and reject authority

    I can’t wait to tell my wife, who’s an attorney with a masters to boot, that all she really needs is to be naked by the front door and this marriage will be fine. She’ll be thrilled.

  6. this guy’s a dating coach?? what do you have to study in university for a job like that? Sounds like his advice is worth the price of tuition…

  7. what do you have to study in university for a job like that?

    Apparently, not much, if anything at all. What you really have to know, if his bio is any indication, is how to be a media rent-boy.

  8. Pingback: University Update - Jessica Alba - Eleven Signs Your Boyfriend is a Complete Cobag (Okay, Twelve)

  9. Erin M

    The snark is pretty well covered, so can I just say that if you have/get that CCCP sweater, I’ll be quite envious?

    – irrational collector of hockey and football(soccer) shirts

  10. Pingback: Dear Evan: I’m looking for more ways to invite stress and misery into my life. Can you help? at Pandagon

  11. Fritz is right; these are people issues, not just male/female.

    This guy also seems to think he’s the next Dave Barry. Nice try, but no cigar, fella.

  12. I also wondered about the “dating coach” thing, then realized that by “dating” this turd means acting like a prick, “playing the field,” using women (especially as objects and stereotypes), etc. It has nothing to do with relationships.

  13. Benjamin

    Jeff, Jeff, Jeff…
    There’s something that you’re missing here that needs to be covered RIGHT up front. This isn’t an article about relationships between real men and real women. This is an article about the thoughts and feelings generated by the taundry romance between Redbook and GQ (they’re still in court to decide who gets to keep custody of People). In other words, this is a guide to how a man who gets his social conscience from a magazine bullet-list and thinks with his six-pack (whether it’s beer or abs depends on the magazine) feels when he’s in a relationship with a woman who gets her romantic advice in monthly “new and exciting ways to screw with his head” periodicals.
    Look at this list again, and consider it in the context of every romance advice “checklist” you’ve ever read. Makes perfect sense, eh? You’ve clearly forgotten that we’re supposed to be well-chiseled statues (with roughly equivalent cognitive capacity) romantically involved with vindictive sociopaths. I *never* realized I would get this much mileage out of this line:
    “Do you like Huey Lewis?”
    Other than forgetting that you are societally obligated to date with Imelda Marcos AFTER she’s been taking notes from Gacy, well covered 🙂
    A few of these points made me giggle:
    2. Yes, we do think Jessica Alba is hot. Sometimes we’re even dumb enough to admit it.
    The first time my wife and I saw Rebecca Romijn on screen, I had an awkward pause. The relationship was still in its early stages, though clearly off to a good start. I wasn’t sure how she would react if I said the perfectly obvious: Greek Woman Smokin HOT. Before I could figure out whether or not it even needed saying, she blurted out “I would SO hit that”. The next ten minutes were spent debating who had “dibs”.
    4. You do look good without makeup, just not as good as you look with it.
    Oh BABY. How did you know I have a mannequin fetish? Could you… maybe twist your back into hideously unnatural positions while I drape clothing over your body in a thoroughly unflattering way? You know how I love to kiss your seamless, expressionless face. Give me a nice look at those hollow, soulless eyes. Oh yeah. That’s the good stuff.
    I do not find makeup attractive. I like my women with HUMAN SKIN. Nothing is a bigger turn-off than having a woman “shed their face”. It gives me flashbacks to “V” and makes me wonder if I should stash the lasagna I made in favor of a plate full of live rats.

    12. Your nice guy friends are the most reliable source for telling you if your new boyfriend’s a jerk. And he probably is. (By the way, you might want to consider marrying that nice guy who’s giving you advice about the jerk.)
    Oh boy. Oh goodie goodie gumdrops. Excerpt from “10 Signs your boyfriend is about to be impaled with a Machette: a surrealist guide to surviving romance”
    The “nice guy” is not just YOUR “nice guy”, even if the attention and support you recieve from him is greater than what you get from your significant other. The “nice guy” is probably the “token male” in a circle of friends, and while there will be some degree of heirarchy, he is the “nice guy” for everyone in that circle. In this way the “nice guy” acts as a sort of social hub, a central point of a sort of support that the no one else in the circle could provide: the quasi-romantic. The women in the circle have the opportunity to fudge on the emotional exclusivity of their romantic relationships by putting all the demands on the “nice guy” that one would expect from a significant other, without having to reciprocate that support (because the “nice guy” never demands or expects it) or offer exclusivity.

    So, the women in the “nice guy” relationship get a boyfriend that makes no demands, expects no sex, and will practically kill themselves catering to them. What does the “nice guy” get?

    As many of these relationships as the surrounding environment can provide.

    Like I said, the “nice guy” is not just YOUR nice guy.

  14. If Mr. Katz ever uses mention of this article of his getting published to chat up a lady, can I be there to see the disgust on her face? I’m a meanie, me.

    Now, back to the mental image of your Team USA and Soviet sweaters locked in mortal combat in the dryer someday.

  15. choey

    One simple question…Just who the f*ck is Evan Mark Katz? I’m guessing it’s a good thing I don’t know.

    His eleven tips sound like they were made up by the people who do the 10 O’Clock News here in Chicago.

    “Warning, putting your hands under your lawn mower could hurt you. We’ll show you all you need to know about this…next!”

    “You’re kid could die! In 80 years! We’ll tell you all about this horrible danger that will tear your life apart…later!”

    “Our experts find out that men are different from women! How this will affect you in the future and what you can do to protect yourself!”

  16. Mrs. Trifecta is not allowed in MY kitchen. If she answered the door naked, I would think she was having a mental breakdown. She wants to wear make up more than I care. I think she looks lovely without it.

    This guy who wrote the article is going to be single for a long time.

  17. carol

    I am loving Benjamin’s comment.

    Also, somehow I married the nice guy. He doesn’t care about my shoes, never comments on if I should wear more make up, and makes me laugh a lot. It’s pretty sweet. And all I had to do to land him was be myself. Hmmmmmm . . .

  18. Benjamin

    Okay, I know I’m the nutjob over in the corner who thinks that Jason X was unintentionally the best social commentary since Candide, but COME ON.

    Last time I checked, most of us agreed that self determination was a good thing, and self-definition the main advantage we have over the platypus.

    If someone wants to define themselves as a staunch supporter of social mores encouraged for the sake of market control, hunky dory. If someone wants to define themselves as a tireless crusader for truth, justice, and something better than the American way, I’ll be the first one to hand them a cape and buy the t-shirt. If someone else wants to define themselves as a country girl who one-ups the stuck up suits with her sex appeal and sassy wit, there’s probably a crappy movie waiting for her to star in. Each of these identities has appeal, each of them has consequences (note: contrary to contemporary culture, “consequence” is a morally neutral word). Discussing the implications of our identity choices is necessary no matter what side of which line we fall on.

    The jive that leaves me scratching my head and wondering if I need a new aftershave is when we take our choices and turn them into absolutes, as if the identity we’ve built somehow represents the only possible solution to the problems posed by being a mammilian biped with opposable thumbs. The moment we represent our choices as the only viable option, we’ve negated them AS choices, which seems contrary to the point.

    Media tip: If you can point to a consistently presented message, image, or value, and then point directly to what it is selling (and then note that it is ONLY selling something), you are reading advertising.

    cak:
    Your girlfriend is insecure and uncomfortable with comparisons. Ok, not uncommon, but that raises a big question for me: are you all right with that? We’ve all got quirks, kinks, and a bit of unresolved baggage when we enter a relationship, but our development as human beings is all about understanding that just cuz we got ON the plane with a bag full of poisonous snakes doesn’t mean we have to take it with us when we get OFF that plane (teehee. I win teh internetz). A relationship doesn’t entitle us to start torching the other persons luggage, but we are well within bounds if we offer them a lighter.

    Herc:
    Which norms? From where?
    Let me get this straight: a culturally saturated message is universal and empirically valid BECAUSE it’s culturally saturated? I had no idea that the essential qualities of human nature were for sale!
    Wait… too easy.
    Here’s the skinny: you’ve found women who appeal to your values, and who find your values appealing. Good on ya. The phrase “crying fetish” (dactophilia: sexual arousal at the sight of tears) returns 941,000 hits on Google. You can find someone who’ll date you for most anything, but getting someone in bed isn’t a golden standard (NOT taking those jokes. Too easy on too many levels) for human health, worth, or lasting good.
    Lasting. That’s the key word here. If I value my wife because she’s a stunningly intelligent woman with keen emotional insight, and do what I can to encourage and appreciate those qualities, I’m building a marriage on something that’s going to survive layoffs, hurricanes, and the inexorable march of time that will make my currently oh-so-sexy tattoos look silly.
    Transferable, that’s another good one. Intelligence and understanding are things we can impart to our kids, though the same could be said of material wealth. The problem with wealth is that, unlike aesthetic values or moral clarity, it’s definitively exhaustible. I can pass out kindness, wit, and knowledge all day long without diminishing my supply. I can give em to my kids, grandkids, strangers, or trolls on the internet and I’ll be no poorer than when I started.
    To put it another way:
    A relationship built on boobs has a squishy foundation, one built on a cock will go limp, one built on money will bounce when the first check does. A relationship built on personhood will only fail if one of you stops being a person.

  19. wayward

    About the whole shoe thing–there was a time, when I was a teenager, when I had two pairs of shoes: sneakers and not-sneakers. But now that I am an adult, I’ve discovered, much to my dismay, that there are often reasons to own more than two pairs of shoes, to the point where my collection often rivals Amy’s (though she’s not really a shoe-hound). 2 pair of sneakers (one that’s dogged out for crud work), a pair of brown dress shoes, a pair of black dress shoes, a pair of Birkenstocks, a pair of flip-flops, and hiking boots. I have little doubt that I’m alone in this, and I’m not really under any pressure to match shoes up with different colors of clothes, the way women are.

    You aren’t alone. At last count, I actually had more shoes than my wife. She teases me about that.

    Of course, her philosophy is that everything goes with black, so that cuts down significantly on the number of shoes that she needs to have.

    Me: 2 pair of sneakers (one good, one old for yard work), 2 pair of boots (one steel toed, one for hiking), 2 pair of dress shoes (black, brown), 1 pair of sandals and 1 pair of crocs = 8 pairs

    Her: 1 pair of black dress sandals, 1 pair of croc sandals, 1 pair birkenstocks, 1 pair black dressy boots, 1 pair sneakers, 1 pair hiking boots, 1 pair crocs = 7 pairs

  20. oddjob

    Agree about Benjamin’s comment! IT ROCKS! 🙂

  21. Benjamin’s comment about Redbook vs. GQ reminded me of a song by Lazyboy called Man Woman (Yin & Yang). It features a dialogue between a man and a woman using cliches about men and women.

    Chorus Man woman boy woman girl…

    Man: Woman without her man is nothing
    Woman: Woman, without HER man is nothing

    Man: Women have their faults
    Men only have two
    Woman: Everything they say and everything they do

    Woman: Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage
    They’ve experienced pain
    And bought jewelry

    Man: Women have two weapons
    Cosmetics and tears

    Woman: I’m a perfect housekeeper
    Every time I leave a man I keep his house

    Man: No women has ever hated a man
    Enough to give him back his diamonds

    Man: Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
    Woman: They don’t have time

    Chorus Man woman boy woman girl…

    Woman: Men forget everything
    Man: Women remember everything

    Woman: A girl can wait for the right man to come along
    But it doesn’t stop her from having fun
    With all the wrong ones in the mean time

    Woman: The real reason why it’s so difficult to find men
    Who are sensitive, caring and good looking
    Is because they all have boyfriends already

    Man: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
    Woman: A successful women is one who can find such a man

    Chorus Man woman boy woman girl…

    Man: Women driver really means
    Someone who doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures
    And has a better driving record than men have

    Woman: It’s a guy thing really means
    Irrational, illogical, stupid and extremely low

    Man: Oh don’t fuss I just cut myself, its no big deal
    Really means
    I’m about to die but before I die
    I want you to remember me as a strong proud man
    Who never cried

    Chorus Man woman boy woman girl…

    Woman: If you want to learn more about women
    Watch sex in the city
    If you want to learn more about men
    Take a good look at Homer Simpson

    Man: The difference between light and hard
    Is that men can sleep all night with a light on

    Woman: Ha, ha, ha…

  22. Benjamin’s comment about Redbook vs. GQ reminded me of a song by Lazyboy called Man Woman (Yin & Yang). It features a dialogue between a man and a woman using cliches about men and women.

    Chorus Man woman boy woman girl…

    Man: Woman without her man is nothing
    Woman: Woman, without HER man is nothing

    Man: Women have their faults
    Men only have two
    Woman: Everything they say and everything they do

    Woman: Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage
    They’ve experienced pain
    And bought jewelry

    Man: Women have two weapons
    Cosmetics and tears

    Woman: I’m a perfect housekeeper
    Every time I leave a man I keep his house

    Man: No women has ever hated a man
    Enough to give him back his diamonds

    Man: Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
    Woman: They don’t have time

    Chorus Man woman boy woman girl…

    Woman: Men forget everything
    Man: Women remember everything

    Woman: A girl can wait for the right man to come along
    But it doesn’t stop her from having fun
    With all the wrong ones in the mean time

    Woman: The real reason why it’s so difficult to find men
    Who are sensitive, caring and good looking
    Is because they all have boyfriends already

    Man: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
    Woman: A successful women is one who can find such a man

    Chorus Man woman boy woman girl…

    Man: Women driver really means
    Someone who doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures
    And has a better driving record than men have

    Woman: It’s a guy thing really means
    Irrational, illogical, stupid and extremely low

    Man: Oh don’t fuss I just cut myself, its no big deal
    Really means
    I’m about to die but before I die
    I want you to remember me as a strong proud man
    Who never cried

    Chorus Man woman boy woman girl…

    Woman: If you want to learn more about women
    Watch sex in the city
    If you want to learn more about men
    Take a good look at Homer Simpson

    Man: The difference between light and hard
    Is that men can sleep all night with a light on

    Woman: Ha, ha, ha…

  23. And I’m lookin’ in the mirror all the time
    Wondering what she don’t see in me
    I’ve been funny
    I’ve been cool with the lines
    Ain’t that the way love supposed to be

  24. I also think the title of this tome — Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad — implies a certain immaturity that is supposedly a female characteristic. Right off the bat this dude is a chauvinist, so how can you expect it to contain any wisdom?

    Earlier I said he was trying to become the next Dave Barry. My apologies to Dave (a fellow Miamian). This guy is bucking to be the next Larry the Cable Guy.

  25. And now I have ‘Jesse’s Girl’ stuck in my head.

  26. Pingback: overview by jfpbookworm (on reddit.com)

  27. "Fair and Balanced" Dave

    You don’t like to get hit on in public, you don’t want to date online and you don’t want to be set up on blind dates.

    As far as getting “hit on” in public, I would hazard a guess that the thing that really annoys women is not so much getting hit on as much as it is getting hit on by guys who won’t take “no” for an answer–or, even worse, guys who respond to rejection by making some misogynisitic or homophobic comment.

  28. "Fair and Balanced" Dave

    2. Yes, we do think Jessica Alba is hot. Sometimes we’re even dumb enough to admit it.

    But be prepared to accept the fact that SHE thinks Denzel Washington, Clive Owen, George Clooney etc. are teh hot.

  29. Arkades

    Benjamin: In other words, this is a guide to how a man who gets his social conscience from a magazine bullet-list and thinks with his six-pack (whether it’s beer or abs depends on the magazine) feels when he’s in a relationship with a woman who gets her romantic advice in monthly “new and exciting ways to screw with his head” periodicals.

    Freakin’. Hysterical. and yet, so true. There’s a whole industry built around the whole battle-of-the-sexes shtick, and at least a couple of generations acculturated in this way of thinking. It’s so dated that it might as well be carbon dated.

    Carol: Also, somehow I married the nice guy. He doesn’t care about my shoes, never comments on if I should wear more make up, and makes me laugh a lot. It’s pretty sweet. And all I had to do to land him was be myself. Hmmmmmm . . .

    Well said. I think that increasing numbers of us are realizing that the key to having an authentic, fulfilling relationships is for people to be themselves and to be at ease with their partners doing the same. Well, *one* of the keys, I should say. Mutual respect, honesty, sensitivity to each others’ needs, and a host of other ingredients are easily as important… but when it comes down to it, both parties being their real selves (and each allowing the other the same latitude) is absolutely necessary. Otherwise, it’s just play-acting for at least one partner, and one can only keep up the performance for so long.

    Some people seem to be able to handle the idea that the person they love is another real, flawed human being who probably has other things on his/her mind than embodying fulfilling some ideal for your sake. These people seem (to me, at least) to have the best shot at having good relationships, because they’re mature enough to realize that there’s always some give and take and nothing will ever be perfect.

    Sadly, far too many people in our culture still seem hung up on finding the Perfect Boyfriend, Perfect Girlfriend, Perfect Husband, Perfect Wife, whatever… and don’t seem to grasp that their repeated disappointments may have fully as much to do with their own unrealistic expectations as they do with the other person’s actual shortcomings.

    Articles that pretend to offer insight into How The Other Half Thinks are just perpetuating a system filled with deeply flawed premises… perhaps the worst of which is that it’s a worthwhile project for members of one gender to regard members of the other gender as freaky lab specimens that need to be microanalyzed in order to understand their strange, alien thought processes. Instead, I would remark that it’s amazing how far just treating other people well can take you.

    Sadly, *way* too many people still do persist in that stupid Mars-or-Venus? worldview.

    Articles like Katz’s seem to say: Men kind of suck. Deal with it, bitchez. Which I agree with only to the extent that some men do kinda suck, some of the time. But the difference is that I recognize that men who suck deserve to get treated as though they suck. Katz seems to think that men should get a free pass for all the ways in which they frustrate and confuse women, yet shows only exasperation and annoyance at those things about women that frustrate and confuse him. It’s a two-way street, after all, and a condescending guide directed at women on the topic of How to Cope With Dudes seems like a pretty poor offering in the marketplace of ideas.

  30. amish451

    “…..most reliable source for telling you if your new (old) boyfriend is a jerk ….”

    I am congenital nice guy, so I may speak with some authority; I will tell you, if you ask, but will temper my response to salvage your feelings …so not really. I will agree with your assessment of his character if I do really agree, and, suppose you are truly over the jerk. I will all this time realise that I still hope there may be some eventual chemistry for us. I will always respect who you are; well past the point when I accept there is no chance that I will ever be ‘that kind of friend’.
    “Reliable source” ?? …no chance.

  31. cak

    Wow, I hate defending the guy who wrote the original bastard, but you come of as a whiny little kid, arguing in the playground about your favourite toy. You deliberately miss the point that the man is trying to make – very clever when he can’t respond to your article. Sure the guy is a little off, but I sure seems to know a lot more about women than you do.

    Maybe you like being called pookums in front of your friends, but it belittles you and them. They are many ways of showing your in a loving relationship, with resorting to this personal activity.

    My girlfriend (and she is not the only one), does feel a little insecure about being compared to Jessica Alba, and doesn’t feel the need to be reminded of it. And if I was ever going out with a women who fancied she would be out – and I would seriously question my taste in women.

    6. is a good point. When your gf is constantly asking about your clothes, and you think she looks great in all of the, it gets a little tiring.

    I personally am yet to find a girl you looks better with makeup than without, but trying to convince any girl of this is futile, and harmful.

    And a news flash, people who collect stuff are weird. If you can’t come up with a better justification than “so what”, then you are deluded. It is part of our selfish society that we get so caught up in material possessions.

    You, sir, come of as a much bigger freak than the author of the originating article, who is merely chauvinistic.

  32. cak, hardly a word of that made any sense. Jus’ sayin.’

  33. Hercules Rockafeller III

    The list isn’t awful becuse it is misogynist, it is awful because it is a litany of inane cliches. The snark – even more inane.

    Look, I think you and Marcotte are projecting the emo-androgynous hippie unisex relationship standard on we “norms.” In addition, always absent from these critiques of the great white patriarchy is the attitude held by 99% of attractive women that any man she dates should make a good deal of money – hence my ’07 Porsche. White Lightnin’!

    The best relationship advice I’ve heard to date (perhaps it only applies to women who are obviously female) is the following:

    “The second fastest way to lose a woman is to treat her like a sex object. The fastest is not to treat her like a sex object.” – Fred Reed

    Thread that needle. I like naked women in barely appropriate venues, and I like some home cookin’ from a Southern Belle who calls me “suga.” What an awful human being I must be . . .

  34. 5. Ever notice how we don’t fight with our male friends? That’s why we get so frustrated when we fight with you.

    Clearly, Evan Marc Katz does not read the comments at TwoGlasses.

  35. Jewel

    LOL! According to cak, Jeff is a freak while Katz is ‘merely’ chauvinistic.

    Me, I’ll take a freak over a chauvinist any day.

  36. First of all, this is a guy who never roomed with his friends. I have, and we fought. Not always, but sometimes — about money, or who was scrimping on their chores, or whether the cable bill had been paid on time…you know, the things that people in close relationships who are reliant on each other sometimes fight over.

    This is an excellent point, Jeff.

    As to EMK’s overall article, “Respect the cock! And tame the cunt! Tame it! Take it on headfirst with the skills that I will teach you!” is a lot snappier.

  37. You deliberately miss the point that the man is trying to make – very clever when he can’t respond to your article.

    Really? He can’t? LOL.

    The comments are open to everyone, Cak.

  38. My girlfriend (and she is not the only one), does feel a little insecure about being compared to Jessica Alba, and doesn’t feel the need to be reminded of it.

    Wow, cak–way to completely miss the point while having it whiz so closely past your ears. What most of us have been saying here is that it would be really douchebaggy to compare your girlfriend to Jessica Alba, but no big deal to simply notice Jessica Alba’s hotness. Do you see the difference between the two? Do you really?

  39. Me, I’ll take a freak over a chauvinist any day.

    Me too. 😀

  40. Cak –

    Word of advise … when Jeff posts on this, and then women agree with him in comments, it might suggest he at least gets women more than Katz does (admittedly, not a high yardstick, but still).

    Oh, and work on your grammar a tad, there were sections that were painful.

  41. I have to admit, *no-one* gets to hear my SO’s pet names for me. They’re private. It’s not that we’re ashamed to be in a loving relationship, but no-one needs to share in that level of schmoopiness with us.

    Otherwise, blech.

  42. Oh, and work on your grammar a tad, there were sections that were painful.

    As we say in the education business: “Job Security!”

  43. Sure the guy is a little off, but I sure seems to know a lot more about women than you do.
    You, sir, come of as a much bigger freak than the author of the originating article, who is merely chauvinistic.

    Aha, Cak, that’s where your theory falls through – because I have such an internet crush on Jeff Fecke, but Mr. Katz just makes me want to throw up.
    Also, chauvinism is no “mere” sin, it’s actually a huge debilitating force in Western culture. Or, to put it in Yahoo! lingo: Chauvinism is the biggest turn-off for me… followed closely by unreadable punctuation.

  44. Arkades

    Look, I think you and Marcotte are projecting the emo-androgynous hippie unisex relationship standard on we “norms.”

    Frankly, the only real “norm” in this society is That One Guy From Cheers. But thanks for scolding all of us freakz about how superior all of you Regular Folks are; that’s definitely news to us.

    In addition, always absent from these critiques of the great white patriarchy is the attitude held by 99% of attractive women that any man she dates should make a good deal of money

    Good choice in qualifying your off-the-cuff faux statistic by limiting the focus to attractive women only. Or do the attitudes of ordinary women necessarily matter less?

    Perhaps the reason *some* women (not even close to 99%, I imagine) seem to regard their physical appearance as a marketable asset is because our society so frequently objectifies women based on their looks. Women are freakin’ reminded, every single day, that other people care about them more if they’re pretty and that they are less valuable if they’re not. Even women who know better struggle not to internalize this.

    Under that framework, why *wouldn’t* some attractive women hold out for as much as one can contrive to attain in return for her appearance? It’s a crummy attitude, to be sure, but it’s not completely nonsensical. In fact, the attitude you’re complaining about is actually just one more *symptom* of patriarchy. Or to boil it down more simply: Patriarchy is so shitty and objectifying for women that it occasionally inspires some of them to be shitty and mercenary toward men in return. That doesn’t mean there’s some kind of inherent character flaw in women. That’s just blowback from a system that’s unfair and demeaning to both genders, albeit in very different ways.

  45. Hercules Rockafeller III

    “Cak –

    Word of advise … when Jeff posts on this, and then women agree with him in comments, it might suggest he at least gets women more than Katz does (admittedly, not a high yardstick, but still).”

    Yeah, because, like, the women who post here don’t self-select as disagreeable, man-loathing, stunted human beings who need a stiff drink. In an i.v. bag. None are lesbians, either, right Sarah?

  46. the only real “norm” in this society is That One Guy From Cheers

    LOL!

  47. Shorter Katz: Women, you are freaks. The sooner you realize and accept it, the sooner you’ll get dates I’ll get laid.

    Why is that horrible song about why can’t women be more like men starting to go through my head?

    I’m glad you wrote on this, Jeff, because it seems just as insulting to men as to women. In no case is it acceptable to simply be a human being, according to this little twit.

  48. Shorter Hercules Rockafeller III: I am a complete asshole.

    Actually, I’m sorry — the asshole provides a vital bodily function. HRIII owns a Porsche he calls “White Lightin’.” I shouldn’t be so hard on assholes.

    Incidentally, as to this:

    Yeah, because, like, the women who post here don’t self-select as disagreeable, man-loathing, stunted human beings who need a stiff drink. In an i.v. bag. None are lesbians, either, right Sarah?

    Nobody hates men more than misogynistic men. They actually believe that men are man-children, unable to pick up after themselves or feel any emotion deeper than lust. They really think that the only way to relate to “attractive” women is by paying women to sleep with them — either literally or metaphorically. The women who post here don’t hate men — they just think men are capable of so much more than idiots like you do. I agree with them.

    As for the gratuitous “lesbians hate teh menfolk” shot — I don’t want to comment on it because frankly, I think the ladies deserve the opportunity to fillet you over that one.

  49. Erin M

    Hey Herc, got any more clichés to toss about? Seriously, if you’re going to troll, at least be creative about it. Make us laugh a little.

  50. I think “cak” meant to type “caca”, just FYI.

  51. Jeff, you have a View Askew shirt? You are cuteness personified. Sorry, Peach, you can’t have him. I don’t want to share.

  52. the attitude held by 99% of attractive women

    Bzzt. Ridiculous stereotypes and your delusions are not fact. Game over.

    Yeah, because, like, the women who post here don’t self-select as disagreeable, man-loathing, stunted human beings who need a stiff drink.

    Nah, it’s just the troggies who come on here to call them that self-select as asshole trolls begging for evisceration.

  53. oddjob

    Hooray, I guess we’re in for another bout of insecure women-hating trolls.

  54. damn, I think I’m in love with Jeff Fecke!
    thanks for that, I laughed through this whole thing 😀
    Elaine:)

  55. Hercules Rockafeller III

    “Shorter Hercules Rockafeller III: I am a complete asshole.

    Actually, I’m sorry — the asshole provides a vital bodily function. HRIII owns a Porsche he calls “White Lightin’.” I shouldn’t be so hard on assholes.

    Incidentally, as to this:

    Yeah, because, like, the women who post here don’t self-select as disagreeable, man-loathing, stunted human beings who need a stiff drink. In an i.v. bag. None are lesbians, either, right Sarah?

    Nobody hates men more than misogynistic men. They actually believe that men are man-children, unable to pick up after themselves or feel any emotion deeper than lust. They really think that the only way to relate to “attractive” women is by paying women to sleep with them — either literally or metaphorically. The women who post here don’t hate men — they just think men are capable of so much more than idiots like you do. I agree with them.

    As for the gratuitous “lesbians hate teh menfolk” shot — I don’t want to comment on it because frankly, I think the ladies deserve the opportunity to fillet you over that one.”

    Shorter JF: “This is my not-so-clever way of putting words in other people’s mouths.” Thanks, JF, they were tasty, like pie.

    The next trick – psychobabble! Hoorah! Shorter JF: “What he really means is he’s not as good looking as my obese, unkempt, slovenly self, with the obvious advantage of having that ripe odor from being unable to properly wipe myself due to my rotundness, so he needs to show women a good time and take them places and make their wildest dreams come true to woo them, yada yada.” I mean, it might also be fun for me to drive one of the world’s fine sports cars, but I guess you’ll never know what that feels like, huh, JF?

    Actually, the financial success, and the Porsche is a proxy for conspicuously whipping the asses of freaks like you on a regular basis to demonstrate my superiority and suitability as a suitor. Gave that hobby up when I left the Corps.

  56. Dear Hercules Rockafeller III,

    We at the Lesbian Grand Council would like to thank you for your recruitment efforts on behalf of our organization.

    Simply by being who you are, and saying what you say, we believe that you, and others like you, have helped to propel a number of “gay-curious gals” right off that pesky old fence.

    Far from loathing you, we’d just like to say: “Keep up the good work!! — and Thanks for all the Fish!”

    Sincerely,
    T. Portly Dyke the First
    on behalf of the LGC

  57. Hercules Rockafeller III

    “Hey Herc, got any more clichés to toss about? Seriously, if you’re going to troll, at least be creative about it. Make us laugh a little.”

    Actually, full cliche saturation has been
    met by the regular abnormals who post here. You’re right – you guys are teh real successes, but for the money, good looks, and social popularity.

  58. PD wins the thread! 😆

  59. to demonstrate my superiority and suitability as a suitor.

    Ah, I see. Hercules Rockafeller III is really a monkey.

    That makes sense.

  60. Actually, full cliche saturation has been
    met by the regular abnormals who post here. You’re right – you guys are teh real successes, but for the money, good looks, and social popularity.

    Rowrr!!! Catfight!!!

  61. Hercules Rockafeller III

    “Dear Hercules Rockafeller III,

    We at the Lesbian Grand Council would like to thank you for your recruitment efforts on behalf of our organization.

    Simply by being who you are, and saying what you say, we believe that you, and others like you, have helped to propel a number of “gay-curious gals” right off that pesky old fence.

    Far from loathing you, we’d just like to say: “Keep up the good work!! — and Thanks for all the Fish!”

    Sincerely,
    T. Portly Dyke the First
    on behalf of the LGC”

    That’s the apex of wit here, huh? This place is like the Fredo of nutty communist blogs. “I’m Smaaat”

  62. You’re right – you guys are teh real successes, but for the money, good looks, and social popularity.

    And the hits just keep on coming. Misogynist troll BINGO anyone?

  63. oddjob

    The last time I read troll boasting about unimaginable wealth & success the troll turned out to be a university “instructor” at a minor university.

    I’m so impressed with trolls who claim they have the world at their feet, yet feel compelled to offer up pointless rejoinders to those who disagree with them………

  64. Hercules Rockafeller III

    Shorter everyone but me: “I’m special, becuase I don’t own anything and my FICO score can’t seem to break 450, but I never sold out to get that way.”

    Hmmmm, I would have just thought this blog is one big rationalization of being an unmitigated loser in your 30s. Go figure.

  65. Shorter Herc:

    “I have a very small penis.”

  66. Ooo, Herc, tell me more! I’m getting all hot and bothered just imagining the size of your bank account! Give us a kiss, lovey! 😉

  67. Erin M

    Jack – You kidding? I got bingo two posts ago, then he went on to add the response to me (the ever-popular “I’m rubber, you’re glue” defense) and embellish his resume of rich and drives a Porsche with bully and former Marine, not to mention the fat-hating at Jeff. Like I said, at least he could try a little.

  68. I’m special, becuase I don’t own anything

    I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m special becuase I can type well.

  69. Hercules Rockafeller III

    “Melissa McEwan
    Jul 19th, 2007 at 10:00 am
    to demonstrate my superiority and suitability as a suitor.

    Ah, I see. Hercules Rockafeller III is really a monkey.

    That makes sense.”

    You do know that there is a publicly available image of you on this website, right? So we’re not under the pretention that you’re even reasonably marginally attractive or fit, or that someone like me would do anything other than shudder at the thought of coetus with you, correct?

    Therein lies the rub – you’re all basement dwelling mallrattery and assorted gothitude. I don’t care what you think of me, or anyone else who wakes up before 11. I would continue to mock you, but you do a pretty good job of that yourselves – a mere accurate picture does the trick quite ably.

  70. I got bingo two posts ago

    Then, we all win! [happy dance]

  71. someone like me would do anything other than shudder at the thought of coetus with you

    Dream on, dude. I wouldn’t fuck you with Malkin’s vagina.

  72. Melissa’s not attractive! I’m sure Mr. Shakes will be surprised to find this out.

    And well-called bingo! At this rate, we should have the whole board covered in another half-hour.

  73. oddjob

    I don’t care what you think of me

    I just have this weird, uncontrollable compulsion to keep talking to you, even though I really don’t care about you at all……..

    Uh-huh.

  74. Hercules Rockafeller III

    “Jeff Fecke
    Jul 19th, 2007 at 10:09 am
    Shorter Herc:

    “I have a very small penis.””

    Still having fun? I don’t know what you think the effect of having a bald, fat loser comment on my anatomy, having no personal knowledge of me would be? JF, even if you were rocking a Ron Jeremy sized schlong, there is the issue of “usable length” being, as it were, that you have buried the Washington monument in the Grand Canyon of fat.

  75. Hercules Rockafeller III

    ” Melissa McEwan
    Jul 19th, 2007 at 10:15 am
    someone like me would do anything other than shudder at the thought of coetus with you

    Dream on, dude. I wouldn’t fuck you with Malkin’s vagina.”

    I thought we had established my shuddering at the mere thought. It appears that you keep pushing the issue and suggesting the same. Ugggghhh.

  76. Oh noes! Not more fat shaming! And the baldness thing! Oh, my stars and garters, how will I ever get through the day?

  77. *shaking the Dykely pom-poms*
    Go Herc Go!

    (I’m very close to a black-out Bingo Card)

    Do it for ME, Herc!

  78. Lisa

    HRIII-

    If my choices were you with your money, good looks & social popularity or being single into my 40’s guess which one I would choose? Oh wait, I have. Integrity, compassion and a social conscious are sexier than your idea of success any day.

  79. someone like me

    When we need the opinion of the troglodyte faction, we’ll let you know, sweet buns.

  80. Hercules Rockafeller III

    “oddjob
    Jul 19th, 2007 at 10:19 am
    I don’t care what you think of me

    I just have this weird, uncontrollable compulsion to keep talking to you, even though I really don’t care about you at all……..

    Uh-huh.”

    You see, I’m intelligent, so I can draw the distinction between granting your esteem of me the appropriate weight given the source, and getting my jollies from seeing the retarded rejoin.

  81. Reba

    Yeah, because, like, the women who post here don’t self-select as disagreeable, man-loathing, stunted human beings who need a stiff drink.

    Sure, that’s why I’ve been in a loving marriage for fifteen years with a real man who has better ways to impress a date than flashing money (it’s around, he just doesn’t need it to get chicks). Strangely, women like a nice dinner cooked for them, too. And conversation about all sorts of things from the serious to absurd. And to be told we’re beautiful for no other reason than that it occurred to the man to say it. If I ask, my husband will admire my shoes (which is rare because shoes aren’t my fetish) or give me his honest opinion on an outfit. It doesn’t bother me if he thinks other women are beautiful because I think other women are beautiful. So are other men, Gordon setters, sunset over water and my garden. He doesn’t compare me to those things and thinks it would be just as absurd to compare me to another woman. I don’t loathe men. I love them. I’m raising two more good ones, so it would be a damned shame if I didn’t like them.

    I will, however, take that stiff drink. Because sometimes I miss drinking with jousters and shooting the shit about clueless assholes like you.

    P.S. Sorry about the insecurity thing. You should get help for that.

  82. I thought we had established my shuddering at the mere thought.

    Uh-huh. So you keep saying.

    But in my experience, guys who don’t want to fuck me don’t keep hanging around telling me how much they don’t want to fuck me.

    Just saying.

  83. getting my jollies from seeing the retarded rejoin.

    Listen, we know you were typing with one hand in the first place, no need to keep us informed.

  84. Reba

    And, for the record, Herc, I’d take my ex-flyboy over an ex-jarhead any day. Something about the higher intelligence requirement just to get in…

  85. Hercules Rockafeller III

    This is it? Seriously, this is it? The allegedly prodigious jaws of the liberal blogosphere? Feh.

    Lets recap:

    1) It is wrong and misogynistic get all excited about women’s appearances, or to favor beautiful women.

    2) There is such a thing as “fat shaming.”

    3) Everyone but me hates the Patriarchy, which produces impossible standards of beauty and fitness, presumably via “fat shaming.”

    4) Those here have rejected patriarchial standards of beauty and reject “fat shaming.” They do not aspire to traditional standards of feminine pulchritude.

    5) The patriarchial attitudes are widely disseminated and reinforced by men, who are oblivious, but culpable.

    Ergo, the population of this blog, who uniformly reject patriarchial standards of beauty and fitness are, nonetheless, not conspicuously or inordinately unattractive. They have not chosen an ideology which excuses and rationalizes unattractiveness and obesity because they are unattractive and obese. In addition, even though men are generally culpable of the crime of patriarchy, though unaware, such as Mr.Dr. Katz, you all harbor no general ill will for the average man. Gotcha.

  86. Hercules Rockafeller III

    ” JackGoff
    Jul 19th, 2007 at 11:54 am
    getting my jollies from seeing the retarded rejoin.

    Listen, we know you were typing with one hand in the first place, no need to keep us informed.”

    Ohhhh, masturbation shaming.

  87. This is it? Seriously, this is it?

    Again, the troggies aren’t worth the effort, dollface. 😉

  88. Uh, no, Hercules. Your inability to understand basic English is impressive, but no.

    The point we’ve made, repeatedly, is that you’re an overcompensating twit who somewhere bought into the idea that your penis helper Porsche and your “great job” are the keys to getting with those “attractive women” you covet — never mind that you haven’t mentioned a wife or kids, or indeed your job, or your real name for that matter. You are, however, good with the third-grade insults, I’ll give you that. You must have been one bad-ass on the playground, a quarter-century ago. Sad that it’s been downhill from there.

    This is the last I’m responding to you, though. Your trolling has grown tiresome and repetitive. Enjoy the Porsche…if you indeed have one. I have my doubts.

  89. “you all harbor no general ill will for the average man.”

    Bingo! You got it right on that last bit, Herc.

    Of course, I wouldn’t call you an “average” man — your aptitude for hatefulness seems to be far above average, so I will harbor some ill will for you, since you’re trying so hard to stir up my ill will.

    As for “this is it? The allegedly prodigious jaws of the liberal blogosphere? Feh.”

    Did you come here to get chewed up? One of the reasons that I come here is that this blog has a pretty notorious level of civility, even to trolls like yourself.

    On second thought, I will choose to bear you no ill will. I feel sad for you. It must be awful to think that someone you may love is only interested in your money (which can evaporate in a stock crash), your looks (which can, and probably will, fade), and your cars (which will be outdated or broken down someday). I can imagine that living with that knowledge must be kind of scary and sad. I can imagine that that fear might give rise to a lot of the fury and hatefulness that you are choosing to spew on a bunch of people you profess not to care about.

    I hope you find real happiness someday. I really do. I hope you find someone that can love you for who you are rather than what you have. It’s indescribably cool and enjoyable.

  90. Benjamin

    Herc, you strike me as an enlightened, sensitive guy who appreciates the value of emotional intimacy. In that spirit, I’d like to share a painful story from my childhood.
    When I was 10 there was nothing I wanted more than my own Optimus Prime. I did chores, odd jobs for the neighbors, I worked and I saved, and at the end of a month I only had enough money for Soundwave. I played with Soundwave every day, spending hours loading and ejecting tiny robot cassettes. I found out that Soundwave could do a lot of neat things.
    A few weeks later my school had a Toy Day, where kids brought in their favorite toys and talked about them to the class. I was so excited to show my classmates how neat Soundwave was, but the kid who went before me had Optimus Prime, with the trailer that folded out into a base. Optimus could do a lot more than Soundwave could. I went ahead with my demonstration, but I knew, in my heart of hearts, that my presentation wasn’t nearly as cool. During recess, the boy with Optimus made fun of me and my sub-par Transformer, who wasn’t even cool enough to be an Autobot. He taunted me with the knowledge that Optimus Prime could kick Soundwaves ass.
    Hercules, you are like that boy.
    Why, oh why, can’t you stop thinking about what Optimus Prime COULD do and start thinking about what Optimus Prime WOULD do?

  91. Reba

    They have not chosen an ideology which excuses and rationalizes unattractiveness

    Because beauty is what YOU say it is, as opposed to being unique to each person. God, you’re so insulated –and really, really white (I know from white, being a pale wench myself). Is it impossible for you to get that not everyone thinks anorexic chicks are sexy? Is it really hard for you to grasp that different cultures and different tastes exist all over the world — even HERE in the U.S.? If so, I feel very sorry for you. No one is asking you to be attracted to people you aren’t attracted to, just to allow that it’s perfectly normal for other people to be attracted to those they find attractive. It’s that simple.

    And before you get started, I am fit, have great hair, killer legs which I like to show off in miniskirts and really bad for my spinal column heels. I wear make up and shirts that emphasize my nice rack when I feel like doing so. I have a husband who loved me even when I WAS heavy, and not just because I’d borne the babies we made together but because he loves ME, not some freakish image of what I should be according to some shallow asshole’s standard. But then again, I’ve already said he’s a real man. So you can’t just slap your “freak” label on me. You might actually have to defend your stupidity with something rational. Or, you know, shut the fuck up already.

  92. Hey! My post disappeared! What a shame! I had gone all compassionate and shit.

  93. NinjaGoat

    Why, oh why, can’t you stop thinking about what Optimus Prime COULD do and start thinking about what Optimus Prime WOULD do?

    Awesomeness.

  94. oddjob

    Reba, save your effort. He’s doing this to provoke a response.

    Don’t waste the effort satisfying him. Let him sit in Mommy’s basement typing away.

  95. Hercules Rockafeller III

    ” Reba
    Jul 19th, 2007 at 11:55 am
    And, for the record, Herc, I’d take my ex-flyboy over an ex-jarhead any day. Something about the higher intelligence requirement just to get in…”

    Might want to pass that one through the University of Pennsylvania School of Law test as well.

    You do know that Heaven’s Streets are guarded by United States Marines, right? Semper Fi.

  96. Hercules Rockafeller III

    “Melissa McEwan
    Jul 19th, 2007 at 11:53 am
    I thought we had established my shuddering at the mere thought.

    Uh-huh. So you keep saying.

    But in my experience, guys who don’t want to fuck me don’t keep hanging around telling me how much they don’t want to fuck me.

    Just saying.”

    I do not doubt your experience with guys who do not want to fuck you, merely your conclusions derived therefrom.

  97. I do not doubt your experience with guys who do not want to fuck you, merely your conclusions derived therefrom.

    Way to miss the point. Keep on “shuddering” at the thought of fucking me, bad boy.

  98. Reba

    Damn shame that Penn’s standards have dropped so far since my dad attended….I’m gonna have to ask him to stop with the donations now.

  99. okay, this guy HAS to be a satirical caricature, because there is no way anyone could be this many hit-points on the arsehole scale …

    He thinks this place is horrible, filled with atrocious people, yet he won’t leave?

    He thinks the women here are fat and ugly, yet keeps talking to them?

    He has no need to prove himself, yet constantly boasts about ’successes’? (and check out the nick, lol)

    He claims to know women, yet keeps telling women that they are wrong?

    He claims to be intelligent, yet uses circular logic and fallacies?

    He thinks the men in here are failures at masculinity, yet plays at penis-waggling to prove his manhood?

    And this:

    Yeah, because, like, the women who post here don’t self-select as disagreeable, man-loathing, stunted human beings who need a stiff drink. In an i.v. bag. None are lesbians, either, right Sarah?

    :

    Wow, the breadth of idiocy there is truly breathtaking.

    I think he may have slipped up, because according to the sentence structure therein, lesbians AREN’T “disagreeable, man-loating, stunted human beings who need a stiff drink. In an i.v. bag” … which, as we know, is completely contrary to the talking points from ‘Misogynistic Homophobes Inc.’. He might get back to find a reprimand for that wee slip.

    Oh, and the IV comment wouldn’t happen to be an advocation of violence, would it? Because, as we know, women like us just need a good slapping around so we know our place, eh? Because it would only be then that we’d need an IV bag …

    Ah, and dickhead, you may want to try using html tags from time to time, since you’re all superior and shit.

    ‘Liss, can you ban this fuck? He’s not contributing to the conversation at all (aside from existing as a wonderful show-&-tell QED piece), and instead is just being misogynistic, homophobic, fatphobic, and insulting.

  100. Fritz

    Unlike most of the pervy trolls, this one engages the guys, too. That’s pretty rare. Usually, they ignore the dudes and focus on creeping out the ladies.

    Perhaps he’s bi.

    Just a thought.

  101. this guy HAS to be a satirical caricature

    What, Sarah? You don’t trust a guy who calls himself “Hercules Rockafeller” to be he-man ubermensch with loads of cash and stretch limos and a totally sweet Porsche? Where’s your faith in humanity? 😉

  102. Nice rebuttal, Sarah! *high five*

    I’m trying to decide whether I find this troll pathetic or amusing.

    He seems to have made the weird and pitiable assumption that wealth, physical possessions, and generic attractiveness make a person valuable. It’s like taking Paris Hilton for a role model, you know?

    When we disagree, he assumes it’s because he’s so brilliant we’re defensive – when, in fact, we pity him for having such a shallow sense of self-worth, and for having such low self-esteem that he has to pump himself by listing off his assets and denigrating strangers.

    Then he alternates between trying to get on his high horse so he can look down his nose at us and make us feel inferior, and getting down in the mud by calling us names.

    Really, it’s astoundingly pathetic – but it’s also hilarious. He couldn’t be a better illustration of the kind of sad wanker that would want to read and defend an idiot like Katz in the first place.

    Dude. Stop trying to impress us. In our eyes, you’ve already failed, and everything you say just makes you look even more pitiful and desperate.

    Probably the best thing you could do right now is just leave. Maybe if you spent less time trying to impress strangers on the internet, you might make something genuinely worthwhile of yourself.

  103. I’m trying to decide whether I find this troll pathetic or amusing.

    I like pathetically amusing myself.

  104. oddjob

    and check out the nick, lol

    I also couldn’t help noticing he chose the nick of someone who had a teenage boy on the side………

  105. I like pathetically amusing myself.

    LOL! This can be read a few ways! I meant:

    I like “pathetically amusing”, myself.

  106. Hercules Rockafeller III

    By Jove you people suck at everything, including insulting me.

    All of you assumed that I am shallow and such because I account for wealth and physical attractiveness; because you are generally unattractive losers with various complexes, you can’t imagine that these things are, to me, but one dimension of life and relationships. All I ever said to open was that nearly all women attractive enough to talk with kind of like it when as a man you are somewhat materially successful. Even those Ivy League women who play at feminist talk until its time to have babies – know any settling down with janitors? Me neither. Point proven.

    The Porsche buttresses this – and I like driving it, that is all. I mean, it isn’t as if a little extra scratch gets you access to fine things commensurate with refined tastes, or high culture, huh? I’m a humanist – “a fan o’ man,” as Al Pacino says – and living like one takes money. I’ll remember you all when I’m dining al fresco in a Brasserie just off the Seine this Fall. (I have a real weakness for good Duck Confit.)

    As for the rest, because you’ve made a virtue of being layabouts and ne’erdowells, and claiming a halo for having nothing to show for your indolence, and you decided to come at me like that, and I responded in kind.

    I decided to fuck with you all because Katz’ list was innocuous and stupid, and I despise JF’s begging for a Marcotte milkbone. There really isn’t discernable misogyny anywhere in the list, just polite misinformation and silly “you like shoes” schtick – you know, unless you are crazy and see the Patriarchy absolutely everywhere.

    Neuticles, JF, neuticles.

    The fact of the matter is that neither you nor Marcotte can give an accurate, pragmatic critique of Katz’ banal list because you have rejected authentic femininity and chosen not to compete in the social sphere where physical attractiveness matters. See the admonition above that being an ugly leftist is preferable to women than being handsome and wealthy.

    I would make my own list, which would include such things as “a uterus is not a font of inerrant wisdom;” “I won’t put up with your nonsense, so don’t;” and “if you exercise your prerogative to change your mind flippantly I will exercise my prerogative to make decisions without your input.” There – simple, direct, and useful to 99% of women looking to land a man. Any list you would produce would, of course, include all manner of proscriptions and prohibitions and Byzantine rules meant to castrate male initiative and ensure terminal masturbation, making us all resemble . . . JF.

    Sarah – I suppose you won ‘cuz the Eastern Block Judges threw straight 10s. I have no idea what kind of Lesbian you are, but I’d bet you have little use for men who aren’t castrated and apologetic for breathing while empenised. Go figure.

  107. Edo

    aside from the schadenfreude related to watching herc get thoroughly dissected by the regulars here, I’d just like to point out that the following is a) so true and b) sadly obfuscated in our culture:

    Nobody hates men more than misogynistic men.

    thank you for stating it sooo succinctly, Jeff Fecke. The patriarchy is clearly terrible for women, yet its also bad for men.

  108. Hercules Rockafeller III

    “Edo
    Jul 19th, 2007 at 4:40 pm
    aside from the schadenfreude related to watching herc get thoroughly dissected by the regulars here”

    I guess if you keep saying it and wish really, really hard, it’ll become true.

  109. The Porsche buttresses this – and I like driving it, that is all.

    BAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Thank you for that! Just…wow.

  110. it isn’t as if a little extra scratch gets you access to fine things commensurate with refined tastes, or high culture, huh? I’m a humanist – “a fan o’ man,” as Al Pacino says – and living like one takes money.

    You said you went to college? At my college, they taught us what “humanism” was, as opposed to showing us movies, particularly one where the guy you quote is playing the devil, to teach us philosophy.

  111. I suppose you won ‘cuz the Eastern Block Judges threw straight 10s. I have no idea what kind of Lesbian you are, but I’d bet you have little use for men who aren’t castrated and apologetic for breathing while empenised. Go figure.

    Well, there’s a couple at Whole Foods who seem particularly useful in ensuring my espresso is roasted correctly, and letting me know when this dutch beer I like has come in. But somehow I suspect that neither has much to do with the fact that they have their penii permanently attached (course, I am assuming, they may well be detachable).

    You’re a joke. Seriously. You’re the kind of person that we bring up at parties and laugh our heads off over, because such couldn’t possibly exist in reality, even before any wine has been consumed.

    Your arguments are so weak they aren’t worth disproving (hell, saying that they have any worth in disproving at all is a stretch).

    You may very well have lots of money. You may well have a Porsche. You may well ride in a limo. You may have very well been a marine. But here’s the kicker; that’s not the point here. Really. And the fact that this goes past you continuously and without fail speaks even more than even your actual words ever could.

    Oh, and finally:

    Go figure.

    Precisely. Heal thyself.

  112. Narcissism is a much more serious and debilitating personality disorder than most people realize.

    It may have been fun playing with this troll. However, his last rant is palpably distressing — don’t you all agree?

    We’ve seen this so many times:

    – The grandiose sense of self-importance
    – The preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, brilliance
    – The belief that he is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people
    – The need for excessive admiration
    – The sense of entitlement
    – The exploitation of others perceived weaknesses
    – The lack of empathy
    – The arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes

    This is classic narcissism. And with narcissism there is often co-morbidity with other serious disorders — many that increase the possibility of suicide and other self-destructive behaviors.

    It is disturbing and sad. Let’s not be cruel to this one.

  113. Let’s not be cruel to this one.

    You’re right. But the disturbing homophobia and classism is a bit hard to overlook at times.

  114. oddjob

    This one’s not worth being cruel to.

  115. Oh my. *giggling*

    He just keeps going on and on, doesn’t he?

    *laughs*

    He honestly thinks he’s saying something worthwhile! He’s so sure that his tiny way of viewing the world is best that he can’t grasp that he is, in fact, wrong!

    Seriously! He believes everything he says! Everything!

    *snort*

    I’d thought he was just being a troll! But he really is this much of a doofus!

    *giggle* *snort* *guffaw* *tears streaming down face from laughter*

    Whew. Oh, man, my sides hurt.

    Dude. It is pitiful how little you get this. Maybe if I spell it out really slowly?

    We do, in fact, understand what you are saying.

    We just think it’s sad and stupid.

    We think you are silly and shallow.

    What makes you think that you could say ANYTHING that would get us to change our minds?

    You’re a joke, dude, and everyone here but you is LAUGHING at you, especially when you try and get all puffed up and lecture us.

    In order to lecture people effectively, you have to have their respect. They have to care about your opinion and what you have to say.

    WE DON’T.

    (Except as a source of entertainment on a slow day.)

  116. Oh! And he honestly said “by Jove”! For real!

    *giggles madly*

    Oh, this guy is just too much.

  117. Herc, you really do have problems, and I seriously do recommend talking to a good therapist. You’re obviously dealing with a great deal of trauma, and your feelings of inadequacy in that last post are like a scream for help.

    You don’t have to be perfect.

    I know, you think you do…but you don’t. Trust me, I know. It’s dark in there, but with help you can learn to accept yourself for who you are, and put away your misdirected rage. I’m not religious, but if I were, I’d pray for you.

    I just want to respond to one thing, and then I’m done:

    Any list you would produce would, of course, include all manner of proscriptions and prohibitions and Byzantine rules meant to castrate male initiative and ensure terminal masturbation, making us all resemble . . . JF.

    Wrong. There’s just one rule in relationships: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Treat your partner like you’d want them to treat you. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something.

  118. I have a strong suspicion that this is a return visitor. There are many striking similarities to other trolls we’ve banned in the past.

    Please keep in mind that this is probably compulsive behavior.

    As the “game” progresses, it becomes more and more obvious that we’re dealing with someone with a mental illness.

    Continuing to feed his compulsions is a waste of our time and only enables and endulges him.

    Stop it! It is like poking a sick dog with a stick.

  119. oddjob

    The troll also bears a very loose resemblance to a pernicious one over at Pam’s House Blend.

  120. Benjamin

    Tawdry allegory aside, there comes a time when, like Atlas, we must simply shrug.

  121. grumpy realist

    Herc, t’es un malin con, un con, un con…et un cochon. Va t’en crever, p’tit mec. Va t’en flanquer tes fesses, rouler ton bourreau, sauter le cinq, compris?

    And as per your “humanist” background: “Que usque tandem abutere, Hercules, patentia nostra? Quam diu etiam furor iste tuus nos eludet? Qum ad finem sese effrenata iactabit audacia?”

    Translation in five minutes please, no dictionaries allowed, as a well-educated “Humanist” would be able to deal with the above off the top of his head (and quote the rest of the speech from memory.) Or don’t you know where the term actually came from?

    Feh. Hercules n’est rien que un imbecile avec un tete de plomb…

  122. wayward

    Well said. I think that increasing numbers of us are realizing that the key to having an authentic, fulfilling relationships is for people to be themselves and to be at ease with their partners doing the same. Well, *one* of the keys, I should say. Mutual respect, honesty, sensitivity to each others’ needs, and a host of other ingredients are easily as important… but when it comes down to it, both parties being their real selves (and each allowing the other the same latitude) is absolutely necessary. Otherwise, it’s just play-acting for at least one partner, and one can only keep up the performance for so long.

    Arkades wins the thread.

  123. Just a nitpick, grumpy realist, but it’s “Quo usque tandem abutere”. /pedant

  124. Reba

    I can’t help but notice that poor Herc absolutely refuses to engage with me at all. Am I just too confident, successful, happy and logical for you, dear?

    Je suis désolé, homme malheureux. Vous avez évidemment beaucoup de douleur. Peut-être quelqu’un vous aidera. Il ne sera pas moi. Dieu de mai vous sauvent. Appréciez le canard avec du votre vin du désespoir.

    Treat your partner like you’d want them to treat you. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something.

    Or trying to steal it. No truer word, Jeff.

  125. Karinna

    Sorry to delurk to feed the pathetically hideous troll, but he’s really, really made me mad on one tiny little count: the assumption that everyone here is a lazy slob living off relatives and welfare.

    I’m a feminist and a liberal, and I’m working 2 jobs to pay off the debts accumulated in the last few years when I volunteered with Americorps and later had a job collapse under me. I work a minimum of 8 hours a day, and most of my week I work about 13 hours a day. I have no days off. My debts will be paid off in a year.

    So, Herc, congrats on the nice car. Go screw yourself.

  126. Reba

    Oh, hell, grumpy, I just found the mistake in my French and now I sound a fool.* Serves me right for typing without trying to change my American syntax. Well, that and relying on only five semesters of French. Hmph. The sad thing is, I’m a fan of humanists, but not quite a good enough scholar in that area to claim to be one. I’m not too bad at economic history or original papers on popular culture, though, and I’m satisfied with that.

    *Unless, of course that particular sentence had a sort of pagan overtone, but I can’t claim that as it would mean wishing fertility success on the dipstick and I like the rest of the world more than to do that.

  127. Thanks, Karinna, for speaking up. I was going to go into my epic work-ethic and my FICO score with Mr. Hercules, but I got lost in a snarky moment (couldn’t resist sending a memo from the Lesbian Grand Council), and then, a compassion rift.

    I think this was the most offensive thing for me as well. I can handle being called a fat dyke (I proudly proclaim this) — but dare to call me lazy and I fume.

    Keep hope about resolving your debts! Nothing feels better than that last payment, and it can be done.

  128. Benjamin

    Ummm…. gang? Seriously, look at the allegory. I’ve alluded to it a few times, but it bears stating outright:
    This is a guy who seriously espouses that informed self interest is the greatest possible human good, fiscal success as a valid barometer for merit, and upper-crust eugenics.
    He’s also sporting the name “Hercules” (who took over for Atlas for an afternoon) “Rockafeller” (the primary public reference for Rand’s characters).
    This guy is, at best, trolling in an affected literary mode, i.e. roleplaying a character written by an author infamous for her abysmal characters. He is, at worst, a clear demonstration of how absurd said ideas are (and the reason that even hardcore Randian Realists think her philosophy needs a tune-up).

  129. Thanks for the reminder Benjamin — I had already parsed the allusion.

    I was just posting in response to Karinna, who has de-lurked, and I know that when I was a lurker, it was Melissa’s fastidious acknowledgment of commentors that brought me into a more active role at Shakesville.

  130. Fritz

    He is, at worst, a clear demonstration of how absurd said ideas are (and the reason that even hardcore Randian Realists think her philosophy needs a tune-up).

    Or, simply pathological — as I’ve tried to point out.

    I’ve been trying to get my boyfriend, who is a clinical psychologist, to research and write about what appears to me to be manifestations of personality disorders that are unique to the Internet and blogs in particular.

    These “trolls” take on personalities and characters that they believe will be antithetical to the blog community at hand. In this case someone who represents Randian philosophies — Objectivism and Laissez Faire Capitalism.

    This is what I meant when I wrote earlier that I believe we’ve encountered this troll before. Trolls using other names (most less obvious) have used the same approach.

    It makes me wonder if the same troll takes on a socialist character on right-wing blogs, too. That would be really fascinating.

    I imagine that this would be an ideal mode of operation for a narcissist. My boyfriend believes I’m overthinking things and that everday interactions with people who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder are often puzzling — whether online or in person.

  131. Fillyjonk

    LOL @ “authentic femininity.” Talk about your oxymorons.

    Also, has anyone else noticed that this guy can’t even spell “Rockefeller”?

    (What I actually came in to mention, though, before I got caught up in reading Herc’s laughable trolling attempts, is Katz’s eerie resemblance to Dan Savage. I’m enjoying the thought that he’s just Savage doing a parody of Straight White Guy in Extremis.)

  132. I wouldn’t fuck you with Malkin’s vagina.

    Dyin’ here.

  133. Arkades

    Thanks, Wayward! *smiles*

  134. Meowser

    Even those Ivy League women who play at feminist talk until its time to have babies – know any settling down with janitors? Me neither. Point proven.

    I know one Ivy League grad (a doctor) who married an editor making about 25% of what she does. They just had twins. The editor is my brother. (And yes, she’s quite attractive too, FWIW, although I doubt she’d meet your pinup standards. Prolly if you got Jessica Alba in bed you’d give her a hard time about the stretch marks.)

  135. Benjamin

    PortlyDyke: I figured most of our peeps had caught it. I was pointing it out mostly in the hopes of ingratiating myself to the up and coming Lesbian Council regime which our chew-toy seems to dread (can I finagle a kooshy job out of this?).

    The letter post has been CTRL-C’d, by the way 😉

    Were I single I, too, would be grateful to Hercules for so effectively removing himself as a viable competitor (and setting the expectations for male behavior so low that they’re exceeded by most forms of bread mold).

  136. amish451

    Herc named his Porsche ….?
    He sort of lost any credibility about right there …..but this was fun to watch..Shakers Rule …

  137. Reba

    Also, has anyone else noticed that this guy can’t even spell “Rockefeller”?

    Yes! And years in the financial consulting industry (not as a consultant, unfortunately) made me realize that those with old money are highly unlikely to brag about it, almost always set up some kind of philanthropic organization (so what if it’s for tax purposes?) and never brag. It’s the new money assholes who have no idea about noblesse oblige, more’s the pity.

  138. Jeff, this is priceless. I’ve spent the last few days re-partioning my computer and installing a new operating system on a machine that requires kernel commands at boot (yeah, it was that much fun). So I didn’t see this when you posted it, and it’s way too late to comment now, but this is so great I just had to anyway.

    I laughed out loud several times, but maybe my favorite line was: Saying, “You know, I think that Evan Marc Katz has some interesting points,” though, might be good for years of mockery.

    😀 😀 😀

  139. Benjamin: “was pointing it out mostly in the hopes of ingratiating myself to the up and coming Lesbian Council regime which our chew-toy seems to dread (can I finagle a kooshy job out of this?).”

    PD: /*stroking her beard*/ We will continue to observe you, grasshopper, for further signs of merit . . . but know ye this: There are no kooshy jobs at the LGS.

    Doesn’t that just suck?

  140. Look, I think you and Marcotte are projecting the emo-androgynous hippie unisex relationship standard on we “norms.” In addition, always absent from these critiques of the great white patriarchy is the attitude held by 99% of attractive women that any man she dates should make a good deal of money – hence my ‘07 Porsche. White Lightnin’!

    Only one? I have seven – one for each day of the week. I’m thinking of trading them in because they’re a bit cramped for the three-ways I have with Scarlett Johanson and your mother.

    BTW, your Mom says “Hi”. She also says to ring if you need any more cash this semester.

  141. Erin M

    Not to complain too much, but I consider myself a bit of a humanist and don’t have any French or Latin.

    Aber andere Sprache? Na, klar! Zu diesem Typ habe ich gar nichts zu sagen. Andere Leute hier haben schon meine Gefühle geäußert, und, ehrlich gesagt, möchte ich nicht die Mühe geben um diesen Typ zu kümmern. Ich wünsche ihm einfach Friede und Freude, und ein wunderschönes Leben.

    Und ich hoffe auch, dass jemand hier mich versteht. 😉 (If not, Google translations will do it well enough.)

  142. Arkades

    Erin M, I understood about 85% of that. Not too bad, considering it’s been more than 15 years since my last German class.

  143. I feel positively uneducated! Alas, I’m competent only in English. I used to be fluent in maths, but that was a long, long time ago. Serves me right for wasting my time on chemistry and mathematics classes in school and dropping them completely after. And three years of high school French seem to have entirely failed to penetrate.

    Ah well, I’m used to feeling uneducated, what with all the advanced degrees in my wife’s family.

    And: Fat dykes, yum!

  144. oddjob

    Und ich hoffe auch, dass jemand hier mich versteht.

    Jawohl! 🙂

  145. oddjob

    (Just don’t expect much of a reply auf Deutsch since I understand much better than I can write. It’s been thirty years since I took German and I have had almost no real need for it since.)

  146. Erin M

    Ark and oddjob –

    Cool. I was mostly feeling intellectually intimidated there, that’s all, what with all the francophones. Since I get to use the language daily (actually, 100%) here at work, I figured I’d just go with it.

  147. I’m an Ivy Leaguer, and I wouldn’t mind a janitor as a SO. Hell, I started my working career as a janitor and it is still by far one of the best jobs I have ever had. Still, I would prefer to marry a gardener or a carpenter! Something about that creative spirit…

    Maybe it is just my background, but I have never really found that having big bucks and lots of expensive toys really make you happy. They actually seem to cause people a lot of anxiety. I know I was driving my real estate agent insane this spring by refusing to look at houses that I could afford but that I felt were too large for me. He seemed to be of that mindset in which big dollars = flashy toys = morally superior human. WEV

  148. Simon Jericho

    Dear Hercules Rockafeller III,

    We at the Lesbian Grand Council would like to thank you for your recruitment efforts on behalf of our organization.

    Simply by being who you are, and saying what you say, we believe that you, and others like you, have helped to propel a number of “gay-curious gals” right off that pesky old fence.

    Far from loathing you, we’d just like to say: “Keep up the good work!! — and Thanks for all the Fish!”

    Sincerely,
    T. Portly Dyke the First
    on behalf of the LGC

    Portly Dyke I think I may be in love with you STOP
    I have a penis STOP
    Can we work something out STOP

  149. Portly Dyke I think I may be in love with you STOP
    I have a penis STOP
    Can we work something out STOP

    Dear Simon —
    Bring on Teh Love!
    Contrary to the assumptions of some, I happen to like penises. I have met a number of penises whom I regard as friendly and extremely playful. I even own several myself.
    As to working something out — I’m flattered, but if we did, I think my GF would take care of that penis problem for you.
    😉

  150. Now see, everyone — look at all the wimmin-lovin’ Hercules managed to evoke. Three revealed crushes and a “fat dykes, yum!” at the least!

    Who says trolls aren’t good for something?

  151. oddjob

    He seemed to be of that mindset in which big dollars = flashy toys = morally superior human. WEV

    My guess is that was probably more of the mindset that since he knew what you could handle he was damned if he was going to let you pay less than top dollar! (After all, there are monthly quotas, and commissions, and bonuses to consider!!!)

  152. NameChanged

    Hercules Rocafeller III…please come back. We need a real mans like you around here. My uterus is just aching to bear your offspring. pant pant Porsche.

  153. I can’t believe I read THE WHOLE THING. That was really funny!

    I think I love Benjamin.

    Can we talk about shoes now?

  154. Oof. Dude, you are the doucheiest of douches.

    Hey, all of these reasons must be why I don’t have Teh Boyfriendz! I like shoes too much!

  155. six-oh-seven-nine

    “I’m an Ivy Leaguer, and I wouldn’t mind a janitor as a SO. … Still, I would prefer to marry a gardener or a carpenter! Something about that creative spirit … I have never really found that having big bucks and lots of expensive toys really make you happy.”

    You can accept that now, and I have NO doubt that you genuinely do. But you aren’t married to that janitor yet. And after the 7th or 8th time that you don’t have your Ivy League friends around because you are ashamed of the place you live in (because your joint incomes don’t permit a place anywhere near as close as nice as the places that the joint incomes of your friends do) after the 11th time that you can’t join those friends for a nice night out, after the 13th time that you’ve told your kid that she can’t have the toys or experiences that the other kids do, after the 23rd time you have cried because of financial frustrations … [Need I go on?] … After all that the janitor will be bitterly resented, discarded and divorced. You can then move on to a more fiscally congenial spouse. And then spend the next 18 years berating your janitor ex-spouse for not having the income for the level of child support that you think appropriate, conveniently ignoring the fact that he’s a (gasp!) janitor and doesn’t have the money.

    Please, go on dreaming. As a former divorce lawyer I will — without personal rancour — call Excessive Starry Eyed Idealism on you, and genuinely wish you the best. I just feel sorry for the janitor.

    I’m not trying to be a sexist or provocative shit here. I can only tell you what I’ve seen and tell you that I think you’re dreaming in technicolor.

  156. Confused

    I’m pretty sure the article was a takeoff on things like this – written by women – lightly making fun of men.

    http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/datingtips/88620/dating-tips-12-things-you-dont-know-about-women

    Everyone here should just chill.

  157. hey do one of yall have a boy my age?,well my age is 12 is any boy out there?

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