“Isn’t it Great to be Rich, White, Heterosexual, HIV-Negative, and in a Position of Power!”

As if they don’t get enough airtime, you’ve gotta love the Sunday morning gathering of the rich white douchehounds, where they can get together and bask in the rich, white goodness of their superior rich whiteness, and belch out stuff like this:

Republicans are very pessimistic about 2008. When you talk to them off the record, they don’t see how they can win this thing. And then they think for a minute, and only the Democratic Party, with everything in their favor, would say that, “OK, this is the year either to have a woman or an African-American to break precedent, to do things the country has never done before.” And it gives the Republicans hope.

And everyone there agrees. That’s right, folks. The hopes and dreams of the Republican party rest upon the racism and sexism of the American public. Novak admits that Republicans are terrified that they’ll lose, and their only hope is that a slight majority of the American public is as horrible as they are. They are grateful for racism and sexism. Foolish Democrats! Don’t you realize that running a woman or an African-American is political suicide? No one we know would vote for them! Ho, ho, ho!

Mushroom! Mushroom!

As if things in Iraq weren’t bad enough…

The Iraqi port city of Basra, already prey to a nasty turf war between rival militia factions, has now been gripped by a scary rumour – giant badgers are stalking the streets by night, eating humans.

[…]

“I believe this animal appeared following a raid to the region by the British forces,” said Ali Mohsen, a farmer in his 40s from Karmat Ali, near the air base used by the multinational force.

“As we are close to the airport, they probably released this animal into the area.”

British troops have been based in Basra since the 2003 US-led invasion overthrew dictator Saddam Hussein, and the 5500 that remain still face the threat of Shiite militias battling for the region’s oil resources.

They also have to battle the Iraqi rumour mill, as locals are quick to blame them for almost any calamity that befalls the area – including an apparent plague of vicious badgers with long claws and powerful jaws.

No news yet as to the sudden appearance of any frightening snakes.

D’oh of the Year (So Far)

Remember the supremely tacky OJ Simpson book, “If I Did It,” that was canceled?

Excuse me, did you order the Karma?

The family of Ron Goldman has purchased the rights to O.J. Simpson’s canceled book, “If I Did It,” from a court-appointed bankruptcy trustee in a settlement reached Monday.

The book rights will be held in the name of Ron Goldman LLC, Goldman family attorney David Cook said.

Goldman was slain along with Simpson’s ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, in 1994. The former football star has maintained his innocence. He was acquitted of murder, but Goldman’s family won a civil wrongful death case against him now totaling more than $33 million.

“Ron Goldman LLC will own Simpson’s name, likeness, signature and story and will hawk it to satisfy this terrible judgment. Justice has arrived in Miami,” Cook said.

The Goldmans own the copyright, media rights and movie rights. They also acquired Simpson’s name, likeness, life story and right of publicity in connection with the book, according to court documents.

The Goldmans want to rename the book “Confessions of a Double Murderer” and plan to shop it around, Cook said.

Ye-ouch.

(Energy Dome tip to Tom Tomorrow.)

Greased Pig

Goddamn it.

Court Rejects Ohio Domestic Spying Suit

A federal appeals court ordered the dismissal Friday of a lawsuit challenging President Bush’s domestic spying program, saying the plaintiffs had no standing to sue.

The 2-1 ruling by the 6th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals panel vacated a 2006 order by a federal judge in Detroit, who found that the post-Sept. 11 warrantless surveillance aimed at uncovering terrorist activity violated constitutional rights to privacy and free speech and the separation of powers.

U.S. Circuit Judge Julia Smith Gibbons, one of the two Republican appointees who ruled against the plaintiffs, said they failed to show they were subject to the surveillance.

The dissenting judge, Democratic appointee Ronald Lee Gilman, believed the plaintiffs were within their rights to sue and that it was clear to him the program violated the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978.

I hope the ACLU is all over an appeal. It’s no wonder Bush acts as if he’s untouchable. Because he fucking is.

UPDATE: The ACLU responds. (Thanks, Rachel!)

“We are deeply disappointed by today’s decision that insulates the Bush administration’s warrantless surveillance activities from judicial review and deprives Americans of any ability to challenge the illegal surveillance of their telephone calls and e-mails. As a result of today’s decision, the Bush administration has been left free to violate the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, which Congress adopted almost 30 years ago to prevent the executive branch from engaging in precisely this kind of unchecked surveillance.

“It is important to emphasize that the court today did not uphold the legality of the government’s warrantless surveillance activity. Indeed, the only judge to discuss the merits clearly and unequivocally declared that the warrantless surveillance was unlawful.

“We are currently reviewing all of our legal options, including taking this challenge to the U.S. Supreme Court. In the meantime it is now more important than ever for Congress to engage in meaningful oversight.”

Fox Finally Out-Foxes Fox

Update: Oops! Melissa beat me to it! Kaaaaahhhhhnnnn!!!

They finally got to the money shot. Seriously, I don’t know how they can ever top this ridiculousness.

Sheer Brilliance

“Bizarro love President Bush! President Bush great war president! Worst act of domestic terror in his country’s history occur on his watch, which mean him the only man to stand up to terrorists! How Democrats could do that? If Democratics could protect us from terror, explain to Bizarro how nothing as bad happen under other Democratic president? Democrats so weak and cowardly that in both elections, President Bush defeat Democrat who served in war that President Bush fought by staying coked up in Texas. If Democrat could ever protect this country, then how explain why Democratic presidents led country in war that defeat Nazis. President Bush handling of war on terror conducted perfectly according to standards of Bizarro logic. Him say it war, need military to attack those who plot against us, so he send military to spend years and years fighting in country that not plot against us, led by man who terrorists not like. That a new one even to Bizarro. People of Bizarro World never really understand U. S. government before President Bush, but him set standard we can be proud to emulate. Every year we have big holiday to celebrate anniversary of him never catching Osama bin laden. Everywhere in Bizarro World, Bizarro people fight terror by seeing bombings on TV and going outside and retaliating by shooting their mailman. President Bush am welcome to visit Bizarro World anytime and sleep on presidential couch. Herbert Hoover can kiss Bizarro’s ass.”

Read the whole thing.

Get Your Art On

I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling incredibly frustrated lately. Well, I have since the year 2000, but I’ve just about reached my “completley lose it” point. The whole Scooter Libby thing almost became the straw that broke the camel’s back; just one more big ‘ol “fuck you” from Prezint Kingy McIdowhateverIwanterson, and I have had it. (Of course, I keep hearing “Oh, what did you expect?” which just makes it worse. Yeah, I know Bush has done far worse things, but it’s these constant little smacks in the face that are beginning to get to me.)

My major frustration is that I feel like I can’t do anything anymore.

Question of the Day

The phrase is “You learn something new every day.” Well, I don’t know about that. I mean, I might learn something new, but I don’t know if it’s necessarily anything significant. Still, I like the fact that we’re constantly getting new information to add to our grey matter.

Today I learned a few things, but most are too boring to repeat. Yesterday’s thing was much cooler. I learned how to correctly braise fish fillets. I made them in a curry sauce, and they were delicious. I’m a pretty good cook, but I’d never attempted to braise anything (I even had to look up the term to find out what it meant). For my first attempt though, I was delighted.

So, what did you learn today? (We’ve done this before, but it’s always fun)

Fuck You, Travolta

I’m as pissed off about the casting of John Travolta in the role of Edna Turnblad in the new Hairspray movie as any John Waters fan. Perhaps more so; I credit Waters and Divine as two people that helped me with coming to terms with my own sexuality and being proud of letting my freak flag fly. I’m still wondering why the hell Harvey Fierstein isn’t in the role, but wev. There is no replacement for Divine.

But this? This is just fucking infuriating.

Travolta says “Hairspray” Isn’t a “Gay” Film

John Travolta says that gay-rights folks who are looking to boycott “Hairspray” don’t know what they’re talking about.

The 1988 version of the film is a cult classic in which late drag queen Divine plays the role that Travolta has in the 2007 flick.

“Travolta, a prominent Scientologist, has no business reprising an iconic gay role, given his [religion’s] stance on gay issues,” notes Kevin Naff, managing editor of the Washington Blade, who has been spearheading the call for a boycott.

“There is nothing gay in this movie,” Travolta told the London Times on-line. “I’m not playing a gay man.” Besides, the actor insists, Scientology isn’t anti-gay, despite numerous reports that it seeks to “cure” homosexuality.

Questions I Ponder Whilst Scratching

If they can create a medication for my dog that prevents her from being bitten by mosquitoes for three months… why the hell can’t they make the same thing for humans?

Question of the Day

I know all of us here in Shakesville love our books. Personally, when it comes to fiction, I have a love for short story collections. There’s at least a dozen on my shelves right now; and I always look greedily at new ones when they’re released. Which brings me to the question: What’s your favorite short story? (I’m cheating and going with two.)

Richard Matheson (Who many of you know without even realizing it; he penned “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet”: “There’s a man on the wing of the plane!” and many other stories that were made into Twilight Zone episodes) is one of my favorite short story authors. It’s very difficult to pick just one, but I’ll go with “Disappearing Act;” a chilling little noir-ish tale about a man that is slowly vanishing. It begins:

These entries are from a school notebook which was found two weeks ago in a Brooklyn candy store. Next to it on the counter was a half-finished cup of coffee. The owner of the store said no one had been there for three hours prior to the time he first noticed the book.

It ends:

Monday night:

The house is gone.

I’m sitting in the corner candy store. When I got back from the V.A. I found an empty lot there. I asked some of the boys playing there if they knew me. They said they didn’t. I asked them what happened to the house. They said they’d been playing in that empty lot since they were babies.

The V.A. didn’t have any records about me. Not a thing.

That means I’m not even a person now. All I have is all I am, my body and the clothes on it. All the identification papers are gone from my wallet.

My watch is gone too. Just like that. From my wrist.

It had an inscription on the back. I remember it.

To my own darling with all my love. Mary.

I’m having a cup of cof

Man, I love that.

Another favorite of mine is “The Sound Machine,” by Roald Dahl, about a man who invents a “listening” machine, hoping to hear sounds that are normally undetectable to the human ear. Unfortunately, it works a little too well, and he realizes he can hear roses screaming in pain when they’re cut…

And you?

Hello, Cleveland!

Steve at No More Mister Nice Blog (which you are reading regularly, yes?) has a great piece on Mike Fair, a senator recently hired by McCain “as a $7,000-a-month consultant to head the South Carolina chapter of his religious mobilization effort, Americans of Faith for McCain….”

I’m sure it will come as no surprise to you that Fair is completely obsessed with sex, especially of TEH GAY variety, and would basically like to staple everyone’s genitals closed. He’s also into “curing” gays, arresting gays, anti-evolution, and anti-choice, on a pretty shrill level. This loon is definitely one to keep an eye on.

In other news, I have the brain of a twelve-year-old, and I couldn’t stop laughing at this:

He is best known for the stacks of bills he has introduced that deal with sex. A recent bill called for jail time and fines for men caught in public with “discernibly turgid penises.” Fair has sponsored many bills that advocate treating homosexuality as a crime.

I so want to start a band called “The Discernibly Turgid Penises!”

Wake Up Call

Memo to everyone on the planet, minus about 29% of the US population: You don’t have to give George W. Bush everything he wants.

Michael at The Reaction has an excellent piece up today about Bush and the G8 Climate “Deal.” I’d really, really like to be able to say for once that I’m surprised Bush didn’t get exactly what he wanted, but as usual, that’s not the case.

Congratulations, Graduates… Uh, Where is Everyone?

If there’s one phrase the warmongers cling to, it’s “the media never reports the good things happening in Iraq!” They cling to the idea that Iraq is a land of singing cartoon flowers and flying horses desperately; it’s just that damn media that’s keeping the truth from the people! The slightest repetition of this fantasy, no matter how lame and incorrect is enough to start a crazed wingnut linking frenzy. The news that Baghdad has been voted as having the Worst Living Conditions on Earth? Not so much.

Well, at Least Americans Will be Comfortable…

Pay no attention to that swimming pool behind the curtain!

Detailed plans for the new U.S. Embassy now under construction in Baghdad appeared online in a major breach of the tight security surrounding the sensitive project that will be America’s largest diplomatic mission abroad.

Computer-generated projections of the nearly completed heavily fortified compound were posted to the Web site of Berger Devine Yaeger Inc., an American architectural firm that was contracted to design the massive facility in the Iraqi capital.

The post was removed by the company from its Web site Thursday shortly after being contacted about it by the State Department.

“We work very hard to ensure the safety and security of our employees overseas,” said Gozalo Gallegos, a State Department spokesman. “This kind of information out in the public domain detracts from that effort.”

Oh really? Is it the safety and security of your employees you’re worried about, or the safety and security of your luxuries?

The Sleaziest Show on Earth

Many long-time Shakesville/Shakespeare’s Sister/AotSP readers will recall that I’ve written posts looking critically at the MSNBC televised freakshow series “To Catch a Predator” (and legal/public action regarding sex offenders) for about the last year or so. It all started with this post, where I noted:

I knew that things were going a bit far when they pulled a “gotcha” on one guy who was truly disgusting. He was due to arrive at prison in four days for a 11-month stretch for soliciting a minor. And here he was, getting in a quick one before going to jail. Nice.

Well, That’s Refreshing

[Spudsy here, just sneaking in a quick post from internship exile during the lunch hour.]

Bill O’Reilly confirms what we’ve been saying all along:

O’REILLY: But do you understand what the New York Times wants, and the far-left want? They want to break down the white, Christian, male power structure, which you’re a part, and so am I, and they want to bring in millions of foreign nationals to basically break down the structure that we have. In that regard, Pat Buchanan is right. So I say you’ve got to cap with a number.

MCCAIN: In America today we’ve got a very strong economy and low unemployment, so we need addition farm workers, including by the way agriculture, but there may come a time where we have an economic downturn, and we don’t need so many.

O’REILLY: But in this bill, you guys have got to cap it. Because estimation is 12 million, there may be 20 [million]. You don’t know, I don’t know. We’ve got to cap it.

MCCAIN: We do, we do. I agree with you.

So, to Bill, the “immigration debate” boils down to “Don’t fuck with my white male privilege.” Nothing is more important than white, “Christian” males getting everything. And McCain couldn’t agree more.

Wow, a Republican presidential candidate is actually admitting that white male privilege exists? Has the world gone topsy-turvy?

Breaking: Gonzo Goes to the Garden to Eat Worms

‘Cuz nobody likes him, everybody hates him…

Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales, who has been under fire from politicians in both parties, was assailed today by several dozen of his classmates at Harvard Law School, Class of 1982.

“As lawyers, and as a matter of principle, we can no longer be silent about this administration’s consistent disdain for the liberties we hold dear,” those classmates said in a letter to Mr. Gonzales today. “Your failure to stand for the rule of law, particularly when faced with a president who makes the aggrandized claim of being a unitary executive, takes this country down a dangerous path.”

The letter urged President Bush and Mr. Gonzales “to relent from this reckless path, and begin to restore respect for the rule of law we all learned to love many years ago.” But it stopped short of explicitly calling on Mr. Gonzales to step down.

Cue the inevitable “they’re just bitter ’cause they’re not Attorney General!” huffnpuff.

Mr. Gonzales’s Harvard classmate critics are to further express their dissatisfaction on Tuesday in a quarter-page advertisement in The Washington Post.

Mr. Abromowitz said there was “a range of views” among the critics on whether the letter should call on Mr. Gonzales to step aside. As for why it did not, Mr. Abromowitz said, “If he left, it wouldn’t solve the problem.”

The letter was the result of a spontaneous, unorganized effort that arose at the class’s recent reunion, Mr. Abromowitz said. He said about 75 of the approximately 500 members of the class were contacted, and that more than 50 signed the letter.

Well, maybe booting Gonzalez out wouldn’t “solve the problem,” but hey, it would help present future problems from an obvious incompetent, wouldn’t it?

Just. Leave. Now.

Happy Birthday, Melissa!

I’m sure you all remember the classic “Melissa giving the clown cookie the finger” picture…

Well, imagine my delight when I found the almost exact image of your favorite cookie… in cake form!

Damn Them Uppity Womenfolk!

They get into positions of power, and think they can lord it over us men! Well, we’ll just have to put them in their place!

During floor debate yesterday, Rep. Patrick McHenry (R-NC) repeatedly referred to Rep. Ellen Tauscher (D-CA) as a “man.” McHenry appeared to be upset when Tauscher, who was presiding as chairwoman, chose not to recognize him until other members in the chamber stopped chatting. McHenry shouted out to Tauscher:

Madam Chairman, Madam Chairwoman? Madam Chair? Madam Chairman? Madam Chairperson? Madam Chairwoman?

After a few moments, Tauscher recognized McHenry. “For what purpose does the gentleman from North Carolina rise?”

Isn’t that hilarious? When these women get into power, you don’t know what to call ’em!

Video is at the link, if you can stomach it. Me, I’m amazed that they managed to get a weasel into a suit and teach it to speak English. That thing should be in the circus, man!