WASHINGTON — The rear section of Time Magazine star columnist William Kristol exploded today, leaving the neo-conservative leader hospitalized and in stable condition. Attending physicians have said they believe Kristol is the first human to ever literally explode from intellectual dishonesty.
“We all knew that hypocrisy builds up,” said Dr. Sven Hanson of Toronto, where Kristol is being treated. “We actually refer to this as the “Trickle-Down Theory” of intellectual dishonesty. This is, however, the first confirmed case of some one actually exploding from it.”
The incident occurred in the offices of The Weekly Standard, the right-wing politics magazine of which Kristol is editor. Kristol had just returned from filming a segment for Fox News Sunday, where he had claimed that Demcoractic candidates for President had become ideologues due to the fact that they were attending the YearlyKos Blogger Convention. Upon returning to his office, Kristol began complaining of severe intestinal cramps, a recurring condition, sources say.
Several staffers saw the explosion and quickly rushed to the side of their collapsed colleague.
“It was really terrifying,” said one staffer who asked not to be named. “There were little bits of Bill flying everywhere. Yet each of the bits, in their own way, managed to look quite smug.”
Kristol, a leading advocate of the Iraq war, as well as an advocate of a first-strike attack on Iran, was said to be under evaluation at Toronto General Hospital. Sources say he was taken across the border by helicopter after learning that his health care plan did not cover ailments brought on by rank hypocrisy.
According to Dr. Hanson, Kristol was forced to be sedated, as he continually railed that anti-war activists had willed the condition upon him, which was making his condition worse. Kristol will undergo reconstructive surgery on his back side on Monday. Hanson said it’s quite likely more prominent pundits and politicians will suffer from the same malady.
“During President George W. Bush’s recent colon exam he also underwent a procedure to eliminate a large section of hypocrisy that has built up over the years,” said Dr. Hanson. “But there are quite a few people at risk here. For instance, I’d keep my distance from Bill O’Reilly or at least wear a raincoat if you’re around him. He could go at any time.”