Harry Potter…By Others

I was over at Why Now? where Bryan has some thoughts on the last Harry Potter book.

In my comment I wondered what the series would be like if it was written by some other famous authors such as:

James Joyce: Seven volumes, all one long sentence.

William Faulkner: Harry Potter in Yoknapatawpha County

Ernest Hemingway: “Voldemort appeared. Harry shot him. He had a butterbeer.”

Anne Rice: “Herminone always knew she was a vampire and she always knew how to use her fangs delicately.”

Leo Tolstoy: Seven volumes, each 3,000 pages long.

Any others?

Cross-posted from Bark Bark Woof Woof.

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22 Comments

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22 responses to “Harry Potter…By Others

  1. Lizard

    Dan Brown: “Renowned wizardry student Harry Potter staggered through the vaulted archway of Hogwarts’ lunchroom….”

    Eh, forget it….it takes effort to write prose as badly as DB does.

  2. Edith Wharton: “Hermione’s sunburnt face turned willingly to Harry’s. Her resolve weakened at the betrayal of her feelings for Ron, but here, in an instant, she saw her salvation.”

    Gore Vidal: Hermione is transgendered. Harry and Ron are secretly rubbing against each other at night. Prose style induces sleeping spell on reader, making it impossible to read and comprehend more than a page at a time. Zzzzzzzzzzz

  3. Samuel Beckett: Three act play, set in a room with two chairs in it. Three characters enter, one naked, one without a nose, and one with a scar on his forehead.

  4. Geoffrey Chaucer:

    Whan that Aprille with his showres soote
    The droghte of March hath perced to the roote,
    Than longen Wizardes to drinken butterbere.
    Bifel that in that seson, whan we were
    In Hogsmede, at the Hogges Hede, sodenly
    Thre childern came into that inne: Harry
    Was clepyd one, Hermione and Ronne
    Weren the otheres. And shortly therupon
    I asked hem, what was al hir intent,
    And whether hie to Caunterbury went.
    “Nay,” quod that oon, “But Voldemort we seke,
    For we shal make him dede, or atte leest seke.”

    And so on and so on…

  5. Shakespeare:
    Witch 1: Toil toil boil and bubble
    Harry Potter brings wizard trouble
    Witch 2: By the pricking of my thumbs
    Something Voldemortish this way comes
    Witch 3: Eye of newt and tongue of frog
    Butterbeer is damned good grog

  6. mamajane

    Anne Tyler:
    Harry is emotionally withdrawn and distant, unable to recover from his traumatic childhood. Ginny Weasley is an aspiring witch/owl trainer with quirky habits and a whimsical wardrobe. As Harry faces his personal demons, both literal and figurative, at Hogwart’s, Ginny helps to open his heart to the magical world around him. Oh, and everyone else in their world is either a complete curmudgeon or a hyperverbal crackpot.

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  8. Lizard, did you ever see Neddie Jingo’s review of that god-awful book? I’d reviewed it the day before Neddie did; his takedown was far more masterful than mine.

  9. Oh, the folks at The Scotsman had the same idea: they enlisted various authors to imagine the ending. I like the hard-boiled one.

  10. Em

    For more fun: bookaminute.com

    At least I’m assuming it still exists. I haven’t visited in about a year.

  11. Scratch

    Michael and/or Jeff Shaara: Harry put his bag down on his bed, it was absurdly large, impractical, and scratched his head, pulled a letter out of his robe. He read it, twice, and folded it up, put it back in his robe. For several weeks, the letters had been few, which was unlike her, but Harry had not thought much on it, turned his attention to his work.

    Edward Rutherfurd: All of the women mentioned in any of the books (which are about a thousand pages each) have “small, perfectly formed breasts.” Any relatives of main characters are simply the main characters repackaged with a new name.

  12. Susan

    It is a truth universally acknowledged that a young wizard in possession of a strange scar and followed by a retinue of odd-looking servants, must be in want of a wife.

  13. We were somewhere outside Hogwarts on the edge of the firth when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like: “I feel a bit lightheaded; perhaps we should put the car down, Ron….” And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour a hundred yards in the air to the school. And a voice was screaming: “Holy Jesus! What are those goddamn animals? Crucio! Fuck, CRUCIO!!”

    Later, when we were trying to explain what had happened to Gryffindor’s Quidditch team…

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  16. Thomas Harris: Hermione becomes Voldemort’s lover, and together they eat Harry’s brain.

  17. Indy

    Nick Hornby: “Voldmort” is a slang term for existential fear of aging, Ron is obsessesd with his wand collection, Hermione is a cypher, Dumbledore has no beard, and both he and Snape are really, really metro.
    and McGonagle is mainlining wellbutrin with a turkey baster for some kind of unknown mental health problem.
    ///oh. and Draco Malfoy likes The Talking Heads.

    Frank McCourt: Nobody goes to Hogwarts, the Weasleys all live at home and try to get crappy jobs, Ron gets Hermione pregnant at 15, she moves in with them, they grow to despise each other, and Harry never leaves his uncle’s house.
    Dumbledore is a white-knuckle alcoholic.

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  19. Lindsey

    Ann M. Martin (the author of the Baby-Sitter’s Club): Over 500 different books, all under 200 pages using multiple points of view and a team of ghost writers.

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  21. Robert Heinlein: Dumbledore turned to his left and looked Harry up and down. “Kid,” he said thoughtfully, “you have the makings of a great wizard, once you develop a philosophy sufficiently hard-headed that you know when to change a baby’s diaper and when to sacrifice it to Hecate.”

    On Dumbledore’s right, Hermione plucked at his arm. “Professor, dear, do you think I should have my next child this year, or next? I don’t want to compromise my grades. And would you recommend Harry or Ron as the father?”

    “The answer to your first question is easy,” the Professor replied, “but the second requires thought, and thought requires coffee.”

    “In that case,” Harry remarked, “one of us is going to have to get out of the bed and make it.”

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