The iPhone is a piece of shit, and so is your face.

Maddox reviews the iPhone.

I already suspected Maddox was a fucking genius, but the demonstration of his phone’s “tactile response technology” confirms it. The side-by-side comparison chart of the iPhone and his Nokia E70 is nice, too.

Btw, don’t click through if you’re easily offended, because, if you are, you will be.

[H/T Chris.]

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53 Comments

Filed under 01_shakespeares_sister

53 responses to “The iPhone is a piece of shit, and so is your face.

  1. Btw, don’t click through if you’re easily offended, because, if you are, you will be.

    Screw that. Read it anyway. It’s flippin’ great!!

  2. Fritz

    I guess his point is that people who suck dick are inferior to macho, he-men like himself. Those sub-human, chimp-like women and fags! How dare they exist?!

  3. Jay in Oregon

    I’m an Apple fanboy, but even I was getting tired of the breathless iPhone coverage. And idiots who waited in line to buy one. (Hello? THEY WERE NEVER IN DANGER OF SELLING OUT!) And I love me a good rant, so I gladly clicked through to read.

    I hope a lot of the cool features that the iPhone has make it into iPods or iPDAs or whatever — someone already figured out how to activate an iPhone without using the cellphone functionality, so it effectively is a PDA) — but the iPhone 1.0 earns a big “meh” from me. I’ll wait until iPhone 1.1 or 2.0 or 3.0; I’m happy with my free Razr that came with my cell phone plan.

    (And don’t get me started on the pile of shit that is the “exclusive to AT&T” agreement. I watched Jobs’ keynote, and the two things that weren’t net with wild applause were the price and the fact that it was a Cingular-now-AT&T exclusive.)

  4. I guess his point is that people who suck dick are inferior to macho, he-men like himself.

    No, it’s all a put-on. (Like, I find Bill O’Reilly is a big blubbering vagina hilarious coming from Maddox, though probably wouldn’t otherwise.)

    But if you can’t get past that schtick, you can’t get past it. Hence the warning.

  5. I think Maddox is an asshole, but at least he doesn’t like that’s not his schtick. I still don’t care to read his BS.

  6. I think Maddox must have been the model for Angry Bot from We Are Robots.

    Now, eat bleach and die!

  7. evilchemistry

    I agree with Jay. Another thing (mentioned by Maddox) is not being able to write apps which is weird for Apple.

    The real question is Will it blend?

  8. Fritz

    But if you can’t get past that schtick, you can’t get past it. Hence the warning.

    I’m not terribly offended. I just find homophobic humor like that to be juvenile and tiresome. I get it, “cock sucker” is the worst insult you can hurl at a man. I’ve heard that schtick since junior high and it hasn’t gotten any funnier. They used to tell “nigger jokes” back when I was a kid, too. Thank God that’s no longer socially acceptable. I may live long enough to see jokes about dick sucking marketing guys go out of style. But, that won’t happen as long as bright, educated people still think they’re funny.

    Now, I’ll get over myself.

  9. I think Maddox is an asshole, but at least he doesn’t like that’s not his schtick.

    I don’t think he is; I think it’s total schtick. I’ve known guys like him. The problem, as always with that sort of humor, is that there will be lots of guys reading it who don’t get the irony. That’s something we’ve talked about with regard to, like, Dave Chappelle before, too. When you walk the line by engaging the reprehensible stereotypes at which you’re seeking to poke fun, you risk that there are some people who are laughing because they think the stereotype itself is funny, not the comment on the stereotype.

    But, that won’t happen as long as bright, educated people still think they’re funny.

    Condemnation duly noted.

    I just happen to disagree, having read all of Maddox’s stuff, that he’s doing “homophobic humor” (or misogynist humor, for that matter) as opposed to what I described immediately above in this comment.

  10. anangryoldbroad

    Ok,seeing as how I had to be totally dragged into having a computer and only got a cell phone because I need to be reachable while my son is at school,I probably will never get this stuff.

    But really,600 dollars for a phone you can’t even go buy a battery for? Yeah so it’s “more than a phone”,BFD. It’s a floor wax,no,it’s a dessert topping,floor wax,great taste,less filling….yadda,yadda.

    Ya know,maybe when no one is homeless or hungry we should have 600 dollar phones or 50,000 dollar handbags(anyone who would buy one of those things needs an ass beating),in the meantime,not so much.

    That’s the thing about coming from frugal beginnings,it’s just so hard for me to wrap my head around any buffoon who would wait in line overnight for a phone they’ll be able to buy any old time. This is kinda part of why the rest of the world isn’t overly fond of us sometimes.

  11. That’s the thing about coming from frugal beginnings

    I know what you mean. I can’t begin to imagine how rich I’d have to be to justify spending $600 on a phone. Of course, if I were rich enough to spend $600 on a phone, I probably still couldn’t bring myself to do it, just on principle.

  12. anangryoldbroad

    Yep Melissa,exactly. No Freaking Way would I spend that much on a phone even if I could afford wipe my butt with money.

    Those Birkin bags are the epitomy of supreme assholishness. Ack,I need to stop before I go into a many paged rant on people with more money than sense or humanity.

  13. Fritz

    The problem, as always with that sort of humor, is that there will be lots of guys reading it who don’t get the irony.

    There is similar content in South Park. And, I get the irony emplyed by Parker and Stone.

    The episode in which Cartman asks Butters to perform oral sex on him is hilarious. Butters’ father catches the boys and sends Butters to an anti-gay camp where all of the kids committed suicide. That’s irony. There has to be a deliberate contrast of some sort.

    I don’t get what calling people “cock sucker” has to do with the iPhone. Where is the contrast? There doesn’t seem to be any point to the slurs other than being hateful. Is this supposed to be a flawed character giving review?

    It would be funny if the reviewer had an ironic flaw of some sort — like being a closet case or something. Or, if the homophobic slurs were really over-the-top — rather than being exactly what one would expect from a high school football player.

  14. SAP

    You were right, Liss. I was offended.

    Having said that (and having seen an iPhone up close), he’s right. The iPhone sucks massively.

  15. Fritz

    On the topic of the iPhone, my BF bought his 17-year-old son an iPhone for his birthday. In addition to the $600 price tag, he’s also added $30 a month to his cellphone bill.

    We spoke after he gave the kid his present. I was shocked when he told me, “He didn’t even say ‘thank you.'”

    Can you imagine? Your dad gives you a $600 phone and you don’t even say “thanks”?

    Teenagers.

  16. Paul the Spud

    I’ve read Maddox for years, and I’ve never been offended. Really, “Maddox” is a character (one that spews constant profanity, which I think is pretty much meaningless, even if it may appear it’s “directed” at someone). The guy’s caricature of himself is a hyper-masculine pirate; he’s obviously not taking himself or what he says too seriously. (Do you think his family’s pissed because he said he loves his phone more than them?) But, if someone goes to his site looking or expecting to be offended, I guess it’s going to happen.

    And seriously Fritz; I don’t think Melissa needs irony explained to her. 😉

    And I’ve said this before about the Iphone, and I’ll say it again. Whoopty shit.

  17. Pingback: thoughts from an empty head » Throwing the iPhone a Curve

  18. Jovan1984

    Well, I’m a fan of Creative.

  19. Fritz

    And seriously Fritz; I don’t think Melissa needs irony explained to her.

    No. But I would like to have the irony of Maddox explained to me. Perhaps I’m just stupid, ‘cuz I don’t get it.

    This appears to me to be rather sophomoric humor — similar to the scribblings one would find inside the average Pee Chee folder. Perhaps that’s the joke — but it is not ironic. If it were written by a Rhodes Scholar THAT would be ironic. I doubt that is the case.

    Beavis and Butthead was ironic because it was about two idiots who watch too much MTV and it was on MTV. I get that.

    If Maddox is in reality a scrawny, drag queen, that would be ironic.

    I also don’t think using anti-gay slurs is “meaningless” — it has obvious and easily recognizable meaning. It would be ironic if there was some suspicion that the “pirate” character had a contrasting motive. There doesn’t appear to be one here.

    Maddox may not be “taking himself or what he says too seriously.” I would like to point out that the school bully would use that same defense after calling a weaker boy a “cock sucker” and dunking his head in a toilet. “What? Can’t you take a joke?”

    I’m not surprised that many gay men have been inoculated to this kind of hate speech. It is pervasive, often regarded as simple humor, and goes unchallenged by even the most enlightened progressives.

    Understand that I’m not being sanctimonious. It wasn’t too long ago that Brynn opened my eyes to my own insensivity to transexual people. I don’t make those mistakes anymore.

    When you can admit that this kind of humor is harmful and damaging to gay people, you will have come to a similar realization.

  20. tas

    On the phones themselves, the EE70 may have more features but the iPhone has a bigger screen, mostly due to the fact that traditional “tactile response” keyboards have been eschewed. So this kinda of reminds me of an argument between a UNIX and a Windows user… Technically, UNIX is better, but Windows has more bling.

  21. Paul the Spud

    When you can admit that this kind of humor is harmful and damaging to gay people, you will have come to a similar realization.

    Don’t even go there, Fritz.

  22. RachelPhilPa

    Was the piece totally offensive? Yes, for all the reasons that Fritz says.

    Is Maddox right about the iPhone? From what I’ve seen, yes, it’s a piece of shit, and I say that as a devoted Mac and iPod Shuffle user.

    Why on earth would I pay $600 for a phone with a crappy user interface, a screen that smears, non-replacable batteries, and get locked into an outrageously expensive contract for a cell network with horrendous coverage? Has our greed become so intense, that we will spend $600 not only for something we don’t need, but for something that’s a piece of shit? Just so we can have our shiny, useless toy?

    Fye on Maddox for his homophobic, misogynist non-humor (yes, I did click through to the “blubbering vagina” post). I guess I’m stupid, too, as I don’t see the irony here – just rank bigotry.

    Fye on Apple for introducing such a piece of crap as the iPhone, and snookering Goddess-knows how many people into spending $600 for it. Apple, what’s happening to you?

  23. RachelPhilPa

    Oh, and more on Apple…the iPhone debacle follows an upgrade for OS/X (the mac operating system) that fails and leaves your mac in a disabled state…and they refused to acknowledge the problem and post a new, repaired update.

    Sheesh. It seems that ever since Micro$oft poured its money into Apple, that Apple is going the way of Micro$oft – all flash and bang, quality goes out the window.

    /end technogeek-girl rant

  24. Fritz

    non-replacable batteries

    Seriously? Just like the iFraud?

    Now I totally hate it!

  25. twibs

    I’m not crazy about Maddox either, in no small part because I’ve met a few fans of his. Some of them are just misogynist idiots who think elaborately homophobic insults are funny. Some of them get that it’s ironic macho posturing, then try and do it themselves and end up with dumber, more desperate macho posturing. It’s probably not right to judge a writer by his fans, but damn if his fans aren’t annoying.

    Anyway, he was on the radio with Tucker Max, and I don’t think I can support that, ironic facade or no.

  26. t87

    Two things – I got an iPhone last week, so I have only had a few days to fiddle around with it but it is pretty decent device. I had worried most about the keyboard but I had no problems touch typing with my thumbs at all. It isn’t as nice as the keyboard on my old HTC (but then again nothing is.) No, its not perfect but its a neat little toy – my 9 year old niece kept trying to play with it all weekend but she expressed zero interest in my HTC or all the blackberries that were laying around.

    Thing two – the slurs on that page are appalling. I clicked through to a couple of his other pages and found more of the same. Anyone else see the page with the “joke” about “raping [someone else’s] mouth”? Or the one about stock photos “joking” about “chubby black women” being for sale?

    I didn’t see anything on any of the pages that would suggest that there was a sense of irony or camp or self-parody going on.

  27. Dr. Loveless

    I’d never read Maddox till today, but this is one cocksucker who laughed his ass off. And speaking as a disabled person, this post is pure hilarity.

  28. Pingback: Why I don’t want an iPhone « Greg Prince’s Blog

  29. jack

    awe twibs, but couldn’t you say the same of south park or beavis and butthead fans who don’t get the irony?
    Maddox has definately mellowed over the years, back in the late ninetees half the stuff was about “feminazis” and how he was a nice guy and such, (i mean, he voted for perot and hated clinton for the blowjob), but he seems to have realized the errors of his ways somewhat and if still homophobic and misogynistic in his terminology, isn’t the whiny high schooler he was when he first wrote the site.

  30. Our proxy server at work will not let me click through to the article. Reason: Tasteless. I shit you not.

  31. Arkades

    Admittedly, I don’t recall having encountered Maddox’s stuff before last night, but it’s so over the top that I can’t imagine taking it seriously. A literal reading would indeed indicate a misogynist, homophobic asshole, but I don’t buy that stance as being real any more than I believe that Stephen Colbert is actually the arch-conservative character he pretends to be, for humorous effect, on his show.

    Maddox’s stuff is (deliberately, one assumes) crude and tasteless, but I found it much more funny than insulting.

    Also, this may have something to do with my interpretation:

    The guy’s caricature of himself is a hyper-masculine pirate; he’s obviously not taking himself or what he says too seriously.

    Agreed, and not only that, but hypermasculinity accompanying continuous reference to gay sex acts implies a subtext very much at odd with the text, if you understanding my meaning.

    Not that I think that the author is Secretly Gay any more than I believe that he’s really a Pirate. I just think it’s one more layer of subversive content employed for humorous effect. Phrased another way, no one could be *that* effusively non-gay without actually coming off as more than a little bit gay, and I think that’s part of the humor. So I find the hyperagressive tone an amusing bit of self-parody.

    Furthermore, Maddox’s reference (in his FAQ) to having received “79 marriage proposals from women, and 4 marriage proposals from men” convinces me that the author is either secure enough or open-minded enough to play with the concept that members of both genders have expressed an interest. Most genuine ‘phobes would not. I think the subtext is deliberate and playful, though of course YMMV.

    (Oh, and admittedly, I’m feeling charitable toward the big lug in part because that drawing of Nokia-lovin’ pirate is *smokin’ hot* despite being cartoonish. *blush* I’m such an easy audience sometimes…)

  32. Angelos

    nice take, arkades.

    i was so annoyed at people taking offense to this, I couldn’t coherently express why, because i just kept getting more aggravated.
    how much more obviously over-the-top could he get to make this a no-doubter “wink-wink” piece? Between the ridiculous artwork (I’m not sure which is my favorite, the “Now what motherfucker?!” or the flashing-gif “I’m gonna cum!”), and some great lines (The technology is called “tactile response,” and it allows you to do things like dial a phone number without staring at your screen like a shit-chucking ape. In fact, every other cellphone ever made has this technology, sometimes called “buttons.”), I can’t imagine being more obnoxious, or more obviously tongue-in-cheek.

    With all the usual caveats, understanding that I’ve not been in the shoes of those who are bothered by this, this is just plain funny.

  33. Fritz

    i was so annoyed at people taking offense to this, I couldn’t coherently express why, because i just kept getting more aggravated.

    You should point out that you are STRAIGHT.

    I’m not surprised you would be annoyed at my taking offense. Why should you have any sympathy for those of us who are called “cock sucker,” “faggot,” and worse while we’re beaten to death by an angry group of drunken frat boys? It doesn’t impact you at all.

    So, continue being aggravated by me with a clear conscience. I’m your inferior, anyway. Just another bitchy fag who can’t take a joke.

    Of course. the joke is ALWAYS on me.

  34. zillio

    “I get it, “cock sucker” is the worst insult you can hurl at a man.”

    No, it’s not. How exactly is what he said homophobic in any way? And why are you assuming Maddox is implicating men when he suggests that certain iPhone features “suck dick?” Is there any particular honor in having a penis in one’s mouth? Outside the intimacy of a bedroom, I would argue not, regardless of gender. And he didn’t use the phrase “cock sucker” in his article, so your use of it here is particularly troubling because you’re clearly using a word with a very negative connotation, when you could have simply used “felatio” to explain the same thing.

    I think you’re over-analyzing the humor here, in that Maddox, presumably a grown man in his 30s, would evoke such base language to describe something as abstract as the inability to type punctuation on a cellphone takes criticism to a whole new level: that of the absurd. I don’t think you ‘get it.’

    That said, Maddox has been criticized of being homophobic in the past, and I have yet to see anything on his site that suggests he’s a homophobe or a bigot in any way. It’s easy to use these words when describing him because he uses words like “rape” and “vagina” and references felatio so freely, so one might assume that it’s not a stretch that he also hates black people, gays, condones pedophelia, etc, when in fact the opposite is true if you’ve spent any time reading his writing to give him a chance. You might not like his style, but the man knows what he’s doing.

  35. Ginger Yellow

    The guy has a point. My phone does everything the iPhone does apart from sync with iTunes (which an iPhone couldn’t anyway as I have 10 times as much stuff as the iPhone has storage). It also does a whole load of other things and it was free.

  36. Angelos

    (pardon all the lower case stuff, i lost use 3 keys today: shift, tab, and esc) piece of shit apple products…

    i covered that with my last sentence, but yes, you’re right, i haven’t been through what you have specifically, or what a black person’s been through, and on and on. but i’ve got my share of issues too, most brain-related.

    if someone went on a similarly over-the-top rant using add/bi-polar/depression jokes instead, i’d have to judge whether it’s real or satire, and if satire, is it funny?

    everyone’s mileage may vary, but in this piece i saw satire and funny, nothing targeted at anyone, nothing to be interpreted as a real underlying current of bigotry.

    we’ll just have to disagree.

  37. You might not like his style, but the man knows what he’s doing.

    Yep, but a large amount of people don’t. In fact, I would say that half the people I knew when I was first acquainted with his site thought it was funny because he was a complete homophobe, racist douchebag. Not because he was being “ironic” about it. Like it or not, many people who visit that site don’t come away with the same impression that Melissa or Angelos or Paul have. They come away thinking “heh, hags and queers are funny”. And fuck that.

  38. So, continue being aggravated by me with a clear conscience. I’m your inferior, anyway. Just another bitchy fag who can’t take a joke.

    Of course. the joke is ALWAYS on me.

    are we having a contest for who can be the biggest drama queen around here?

  39. are we having a contest for who can be the biggest drama queen around here?

    Awesome. Gotta love the “beat down those who speak their feelings” dynamic. Really, just amazing.

  40. Awesome. Gotta love the “beat down those who speak their feelings” dynamic. Really, just amazing.

    Deeky just made my point, don’t you think?

    I’m gay, therefore, I’m a “drama queen” — just call me a sick, cock sucking queer and get it off your chest. You know you want to.

  41. Angelos

    Yeah, deeky, c’mon.

    Sure, Fritz and I won’t agree on this, as we haven’t on other topics. But “drama queen?” We don’t need to go there.

    Disclaimer: part of me wonders (because I like to do this too) is whether that was a joking attempt at poking-a-stick-at-the-beehive. If so, poorly executed. At least put a fucking “winky” after it or something. If not, then uncalled for.

  42. no, it wasn’t a poking-a-stick-at-the-beehive moment, just an observation from one gay man about another. fritz, hey, guess what? i’m gay and i thought the maddox piece was funny.

    there was a little disclaimer at the top of this post warning the easily offended to beware, a group to which fritz obviously belongs. yet, like a true drama queen, he’s put his panties in a bunch over it so he can be the center of attention and play the old everyone’s-picking-on-me-because-i’m-gay card. yawn.

  43. yet, like a true drama queen, he’s put his panties in a bunch over it so he can be the center of attention and play the old everyone’s-picking-on-me-because-i’m-gay card. yawn.

    Yep, people who are offended shouldn’t talk about it, because otherwise, they’re drama queens. Good to know, deeky. Keep on yawning.

  44. fritz, hey, guess what? i’m gay and i thought the maddox piece was funny.

    And deeky is every gay man, btw. If you aren’t like deeky, you have a problem, wussy boy.

  45. Fritz

    Deeky,

    I’ve met many self-loathing gay men who adopt the opinions of their oppressors. That’s certainly nothing new.

    As I wrote earlier:

    I’m not surprised that many gay men have been inoculated to this kind of hate speech. It is pervasive, often regarded as simple humor, and goes unchallenged by even the most enlightened progressives.

    Why do you think I’m trying to be the center of attention?

    Does it bother you that people are willing to debate an issue about which I have a passionate opinion?

    Your disrespect of me — name calling and homo-bashing — is perhaps and indication that you’ve not come to terms with your own sexuality.

    I don’t expect everyone to see things my way. But, I believe that I have every right to voice my opinion.

    As a gay man, “cock sucker” is my “nigger” — I can’t put in any more bluntly.

    I don’t think it is funny or ever appropriate. And, I am not easily offended. I do however have the capacity to empathize with others. I don’t deliberately use slurs. If someone tels me that something is offensive, I stop using that term. Others just don’t give a shit.

  46. see, what did i tell ya? total drama queen.

  47. Fritz

    see, what did i tell ya? total drama queen.

    I won’t stoop to personal insults. Sorry to disappoint.

  48. see, what did i tell ya? total drama queen.

  49. Whoops, bad tags.

    see, what did i tell ya? total drama queen.

    [Cues “Entrance of the Gladiators”] “Come see Deeky, the Gay-Who-Gets-It™! He’ll be hear all week folks! Come see the “More-in-Tune-with-the-Anti-Gay-Humor-Than-Thou” monologue followed by the “Some-stupid-queers-are-total-drama-queens” one-act! Fun for everyone who doesn’t give a shit, and screw those who do!”

  50. And I know that “hear” doesn’t equal “here”. i just can’t type…or proofread.

  51. Arkades

    Can we all lighten up for a moment?

    …and when I ask that, please know that I’m *not* trying to tell anyone to shut up, nor trying to prevent anyone from expressing an opinion; if you truly feel the need to vent, go right ahead. All I’m asking is that we step back and try to get a little perspective.

    It’s a humor piece in questionable taste. Some of us found it funny. Others found it offensive. It’s too bad that we drifted from a thoughtful and lively discussion on that topic into the realm of personal remarks.

    I suppose the parties involved in the sniping would be justified right about now in telling me to fuck off and mind my own business. But I’m going to try to play peacemaker anyway, because I’d feel bad not to at least make the effort. So, here goes:

    I’m a gay man, too, and have experienced hostile reactions from homophobes for Being Gay, and have also experience ridicule from fellow gays for Not Being Gay Enough. Either of those can be hurtful. So when I see charges of ‘oversensitive’ or ‘self-loathing’ being thrown back and forth, it reminds me of how easy it is to hurt one another.

    Having the validity of one’s emotional responses called into question really sucks. It’s a shame to resort to ammo like that for what’s actually a pretty silly topic for us to be fighting over.

    (Yes, I know the above remarks weren’t directed at *me*, but I’m trying to imagine what others must have been feeling in order to escalate things. So, again… not trying to stifle anyone here, but I am calling for us to use our better natures and remember to respect one another. Even when we disagree. Hell, *especially* when we disagree.)

  52. Angelos

    Yes, please.

  53. Fritz

    Can we all lighten up for a moment?

    I can try, Arkades.

    I’m sorry for using language that seemed inappropriately harsh.

    I just get upset when someone trivializes my opinions because they know I’m gay.

    Drama Queen
    Hissy Fit
    Bitchy
    Mary
    Dishy
    Getting Your Panties in a Bunch

    These are terms used by gay men to demean and deprecate other gay men.

    I use at self-loathing as a psychological term rather than a personal insult. In this context, it is used to designate a dislike or hatred of a group to which one belongs. In this particular case, it is similar to ethinic self-loathing. There are striking parallels — especially with self-deprecating language.

    Having passionate views doesn’t make me a drama queen.

    Getting angry about anti-gay slurs is not a hissy fit.

    I don’t wear panties to get bunched.

    I am a man — not a girl. I am equal to heterosexual men. I am equally masculine. I refuse to be demeaned — in a way similar to how men demean women.

    I suppose if Martin Luther King had been gay, some gay man would listen to his “I have a dream” speech and call him a big ol’ drama queen. That’s a sad thought.

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