That’s it. Edwards Is My Candidate.

John Edwards Vows To End All Bad Things By 2011:

In an effort to jump-start a presidential campaign that still has not broken into the top Democratic tier, former Sen. John Edwards made his most ambitious policy announcement yet at a campaign event in Iowa Monday: a promise to eliminate all unpleasant, disagreeable, or otherwise bad things from all aspects of American life by the end of his second year in office.

Oh, we’re not just talking generalities. Check out this awesome 3-step program:

According to Edwards, his plan is composed of three steps. Everyday bad things, such as curse words and splinters, would be eradicated during his first six months in office. Next, very bad things, including child abduction, soil erosion, and resurgent diseases such as malaria and tuberculosis, would be ended by the the end of 2009. Finally, extremely bad things—plights such as genocide, species extinction, and virtually every form of cancer—would take a full two years to wipe out.

And John brings it on home with the master list:

Other bad things the 2004 vice-presidential nominee vowed to end include the housing crisis, skinned knees, frowns, steep staircases, jailbreaks, water that is too cold to swim in, pain, traffic, being tired in the morning, sprained ankles, hunger, not having enough energy at night, teen pregnancy, cases of the blahs, thunder, the high cost of admission to events, type 2 diabetes, games of tic-tac-toe with no clear winner, the lack of parking in urban areas, forgetting birthdays, child prostitution, and confusion.

“Imagine a world free of procrastination, class disparity, and itchiness,” Edwards said. “It will only be possible if we try.”

As long as he can handle itchiness and water that is too cold to swim in, I’m on board!

Anyone else love The Onion as much as me?

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9 Comments

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9 responses to “That’s it. Edwards Is My Candidate.

  1. Paul the Spud

    Splinters. Oh my god, that’s great. LOL

  2. Pingback: In Case Anyone Cares... at Shakesville

  3. My favorite is “cases of the blahs.” LOL!

  4. I like the equivocation of “type 2 diabetes” with “games of tic-tac-toe with no clear winner.”

    Now, if he can wipe out the polycystic ovary thing and the semihermaphroditic baldness/hirsutism thing that goes along with it, I’m his forever. What with Obama and Hillary devoting all their speeches to PCOS eradication these days, though, it’ll be hard for him to squeeze a word in sideways.

  5. What with Obama and Hillary devoting all their speeches to PCOS eradication these days, though, it’ll be hard for him to squeeze a word in sideways.

    LOL!

  6. amish451

    Thunder …that’s it, I’m so outta here , I Love Thunder …

  7. Pingback: University Update - Diabetes - That’s it. Edwards Is My Candidate.

  8. I love the Onion to pieces, but it’s too funny to be work-safe, and I seldom think to read it at home. Also, I preferred the old weekly format, am less fond of the new one with daily updates.

  9. Lisa

    He had me at steep staircases.

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