Top Ten Things People Need to Stop Writing On Their Craigslist Housing Posts
1- “Kitchen privileges included”– I think we can agree that the renting of a bedroom implies use of the kitchen, no?
2- “Masterbedroom”- Two separate words. Together, they just look naughty!
3- “No alcoholics. A beer or glass of wine in the evenings is fine.”- I have three glasses of wine in the evenings. Would that be okay? These people would probably be on the phone with Al-Anon within the first week. “Save us from this tippling devil-woman…oh no, now she’s using the microwave…kitchen privileges are not included!!”
4- “I am a laid-back person looking for the same”- Everybody says this. The term ‘laid-back’ is now almost meaningless. Southern California, we need a new adjective to convey our approximate chillness and aptitude for hanging out. Suggestions are welcome.
5- “Room mate”- Often needed to rent the masterbedroom.
6- “If you are trying to pull a scam, do not email me.”- These guys sound like they’re interested in some penis enlargement creams and time-share proposals.
7- “No creepy weirdos, please”- The thing I always liked about pedophiles, flashers, and sociopaths is how good they are about obeying politely worded entreaties. That’s why this disclaimer is absolutely necessary.
8- “ANYTHING WRITTEN ALL IN CAPS”- Please, think of the epileptics.
9- “Reply to this listing if you believe that we will mutually agree that you are a perfect fit for our standards.”- If you were just wondering whether it’s possible to agree non-mutually, you do not meet these people’s standards.
10- “Seeking live-in girlfriend…awesome Ocean view pad in La Jolla with good looking successful young guy…would like to exchange rent for anything you think a single guy would enjoy.”- Do you think he would enjoy having his nuts massaged with a nail file? I’m going to ask.