Monday Top Ten

Top Ten Things People Need to Stop Writing On Their Craigslist Housing Posts

1- “Kitchen privileges included”– I think we can agree that the renting of a bedroom implies use of the kitchen, no?
2- “Masterbedroom”- Two separate words. Together, they just look naughty!
3- “No alcoholics. A beer or glass of wine in the evenings is fine.”- I have three glasses of wine in the evenings. Would that be okay? These people would probably be on the phone with Al-Anon within the first week. “Save us from this tippling devil-woman…oh no, now she’s using the microwave…kitchen privileges are not included!!”
4- “I am a laid-back person looking for the same”- Everybody says this. The term ‘laid-back’ is now almost meaningless. Southern California, we need a new adjective to convey our approximate chillness and aptitude for hanging out. Suggestions are welcome.
5- “Room mate”- Often needed to rent the masterbedroom.
6- “If you are trying to pull a scam, do not email me.”- These guys sound like they’re interested in some penis enlargement creams and time-share proposals.
7- “No creepy weirdos, please”- The thing I always liked about pedophiles, flashers, and sociopaths is how good they are about obeying politely worded entreaties. That’s why this disclaimer is absolutely necessary.
8- “ANYTHING WRITTEN ALL IN CAPS”- Please, think of the epileptics.
9- “Reply to this listing if you believe that we will mutually agree that you are a perfect fit for our standards.”- If you were just wondering whether it’s possible to agree non-mutually, you do not meet these people’s standards.
10- “Seeking live-in girlfriend…awesome Ocean view pad in La Jolla with good looking successful young guy…would like to exchange rent for anything you think a single guy would enjoy.”- Do you think he would enjoy having his nuts massaged with a nail file? I’m going to ask.

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29 Comments

Filed under 01_tart

29 responses to “Monday Top Ten

  1. These guys sound like they’re interested in some penis enlargement creams and time-share proposals.

    LOLOLOL!

    I’ve got some friends in Nigeria to whom I’d like to introduce them, too.

  2. 1- “Kitchen privileges included”- I think we can agree that the renting of a bedroom implies use of the kitchen, no?

    Not necessarily. At one place I found through Craigslist, the kitchen privileges consisted of a single hotplate, in the bedroom. (Needless to say, I didn’t rent there.)

  3. SAP

    2- “Masterbedroom”- Two separate words. Together, they just look naughty!

    Well, isn’t that the point? 🙂

  4. evilchemistry

    My favorite so far today:

    QUIET LIVING person of Extreme Integrity and of Excellent Character– with references

    Whoah, issues?

  5. “No creepy weirdos, please”

    So I guess that a clean cut, well behaved weirdo would be okay?

  6. tart

    You can be a weirdo, but don’t be so fucking creepy about it, man.

  7. QUIET LIVING person of Extreme Integrity and of Excellent Character– with references

    Whoah, issues?

    That sounds like ESL to me, rather than issues.

  8. Do you think he would enjoy having his nuts massaged with a nail file? I’m going to ask.

    I think a rusty axe would be better. And I’ll bet he’s a real winner too if he has to turn to this kind of shit to get laid. DON’T MASSAGE ‘EM, HACK ‘EM OFF!!!!!!!!!!

  9. anangryoldbroad

    Ok,that last one is too funny.

    Honestly,I may be an olde farte,but I don’t think I’ll be doing any sort of “people shopping”in the classifieds. It’s rather frightening.

  10. QUIET LIVING person of Extreme Integrity and of Excellent Character– with references

    This rules out undocumented, semi-decomposed noisy undead creatures. Understandable – no one wants a yodeling Costa Rican Zombie “room mate”!

  11. tart

    no one wants a yodeling Costa Rican Zombie “room mate”!

    ROTFL!

  12. tart

    Oh, grammar…you are the genesis of so many of my daily giggles.

  13. You forgot “no drama.” I love that one. Like you can prevent anything nasty from ever happening to you just by being “kicked back” enough. I hardly ever see that one from anyone older than 30, though, wonder why.

  14. Neneh

    Haha Meowser, it’s all over the dating profiles I read! It gets an automatic “NEXT” from me.

  15. evilchemistry

    That sounds like ESL to me, rather than issues

    I can see that but the rest of the ad is definitely not ESL.

    Understandable – no one wants a yodeling Costa Rican Zombie “room mate”!

    True. I thought it was funny to scream QUIET LIVING and that Extreme Integrity was some new sport the kids invented involving 12 packs of Mt. Dew. You can’t be extreme without the Dew.

    Other highlights from the ad were:

    QUIET SEREEN AREA This is a NON-party, Non-social, [live-and-let-live], type home.

  16. Anne

    QUIET LIVING person of Extreme Integrity

    As opposed to a dead person of extreme integrity?

    And Tart, you should seriously e-mail that guy about the nail file testicle massaging. I’d love to see his response.

  17. Edo

    Do you think he would enjoy having his nuts massaged with a nail file? I’m going to ask.

    brilliant. your wit has been missed, Tart. best of luck with the housing scene in SoCal.

  18. Man am I glad Amy and I make enough combined that we don’t have to worry about that issue. I remember when I lived in San Francisco that some of my single friends had to deal with that situation, and man, was it ugly.

  19. good fucking grief. it is good to have you back where you belong tartness. new york was totally unworthy of you.

  20. puellasolis

    Amen to that. I recently saw one that said “minimum kitchen privileges.” How does that work? Either you get to use the kitchen or you don’t–there’s not a lot of middle ground there.

    I’m also puzzled by ones that ask you about your career plan and “where you see yourself in five years.” Um, not living with you?

  21. “No creepy weirdos, please” This is obviously why I never was successful with finding a place to stay via advertising.

  22. I need to dig around and find the one and only personals ad I wrote while living in Denver to try and find a spouse. You’ve inspired me, your royal Tartness.

  23. NameChanged

    After living with an irritating room mate, I would add something like…”No ejaculating in the shower unless you plan to clean it immediately.”

    Living with people is hard.

  24. oddjob

    Do you think he would enjoy having his nuts massaged with a nail file? I’m going to ask.

    😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 !!!!!!!!

  25. oddjob

    new york was totally unworthy of you.

    I beg to differ. My guess is that had she had a firm job offer (nannying of course) such as what she envisioned for herself when she moved, she’d still be in the Big Apple. She took a big gamble and it didn’t work out. It happens, but it’s no biggy.

  26. Oh, man. I had a “laid back” roommate from CL once. Apparently “laid back” meant smoking pot in the house even though he was told not to when he moved in, moving into the den because his room was too cold since he put his furniture in front of the heating vents, leaving a space heater running in his room all night while he slept in the den, not moving his truck so our street could be plowed and people without huge pick-ups could get out, and bouncing checks. The most hilarious part, though, was when he decided he was going to skip out without paying his last month’s rent (bounce!) he posted an ad on CL again. Seemingly obvlious to the fact that our house found him on CL and would be looking there, his made a post not only professing his laid-backness again but also completely trashing and berating the rest of us in the house, referring to us as filthy slobs and one of us as the “most negative person” he’d ever met. All of this in an ad looking for new roommates. Didn’t really strike me as the best advertising strategy, but the rest of us got a laugh while he continued to live there pretending he made good by belatedly paying his last month’s rent.

  27. pokerbutt

    Ha!

    I do list kitchen privs, though, b/c I’ve been asked about that when I didn’t say it (thinking it was obvious).

    But yeah, it’s pretty funny overall. I’ve been lucky for the most part though, and have gotten the best responses through CL.

  28. BStu –

    I think that same guy rented a room from me for about six months when I was living near Boston. Or his twin….. I don’t think he ever did laundry. And he was harder than hell to get out of there, even though he was the one that gave me notice. His new digs kept “falling through” and, under MA law, I could change the locks without going to court. I finally started treating him like he wasn’t there, hanging out nude and inviting my then-lover over to sit in my room making exaggerated noises of passion… The scary dude finally left not long after that started…

  29. Please, think of the epileptics

    🙂 🙂 🙂

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