News You Can Use

The Onion has an important scientific study you really should read:

In a breakthrough study that contradicts decades of understanding about the nature of alligator–drunkard relations, Louisiana State University researchers have concluded that people’s drunkenness does not impair the ancient reptiles’ ability to inflict enormous physical harm.

“Our data strongly indicates that human intoxication does not transform an alligator into a docile creature that enjoys wrestling,” said professor Ryder McCrory, chair of the Wildlife Taunting Department of LSU’s prestigious Center For Bullying And Hazing Studies. “Despite its slow-witted demeanor and tendency to bask motionlessly in the hot sun, it’s a mistake to believe that an alligator will passively tolerate a half nelson, no matter how much Southern Comfort is fueling it.”

That’s a message the kids today need to hear.

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8 Comments

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8 responses to “News You Can Use

  1. oddjob

    😆 Does The Onion have regular public health reports of salience like this?

  2. I think this was the best part of the article:

    “Don’t let an alligator’s easygoing appearance fool you,” Sawyer said. “These creatures have no empathy for drunken pranksters looking for fun. They are not black bears.”

    This is good to know, because most people are probably used to the friendliness of the average black bear. Heck, even grizzlies and Kodiaks enjoy a good light-hearted romp, so long as they know it’s all in fun. If you’re drunk enough to be harmless (meaning: passed out), a black bear is always good for a cuddling partner. Who knows? Maybe mama-bear will even let you in to the den for a friendly wrestling match with her cubs. It could happen, right?

    But alligators? Mean things, no sense of fun at all. No empathy for humans whatsoever.

    Unlike bears.

  3. This is very helpful news. We have an overabundance of gators here in South Florida. I’ll be much more careful now.

  4. “Despite its slow-witted demeanor and tendency to bask motionlessly in the hot sun, it’s a mistake to believe that an alligator will passively tolerate a half nelson, no matter how much Southern Comfort is fueling it.” – LOLOL!!!

  5. Allie

    As always, America’s finest news source.

  6. I actually tried this one time back when I was young and very foolish. Four of us in an airboat, pissed out of our skulls, decided to go alligator hunting. And by the grace of who/whatever watches over damn fools, we didn’t find one.

  7. Instead of baiting an alligator, seek another form of drunken recreation, such as attending a strip club, burning a pile of tires, or painting one’s buttocks with a funny face and videotaping it.

    Great, that will keep me busy all weekend!

  8. Pingback: Grasping Reality with Both Hands: Brad DeLong's Semi-Daily Journal

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