For Better or Worse…Unless You Lose Weight

Zuh?

Yahoo Relationships’ undoubtedly very scientific article Five Breakup Signs: How to tell when you’re about to get the boot is just blowing. my. mind, doodz!

3. Changing their stripes. A major change in appearance can be a sign that your partner is looking toward greener pastures. Whether they’ve chopped off their hair, lost 40 pounds or gone from a bold brunette to a sultry blonde, major cosmetic changes should be noted. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with being a little vain, but if the change is accompanied by any of the other signs listed here, you may need to get ready to go solo.

Boy, this relationship stuff is so confusing! Don’t get fat, don’t get thin (unless you want your wo/man to think you’re outta there!), partners who lose weight are showing you they love you, partners who lose weight are showing you they’re leaving you… Wow.

All I can say is that it’s a good thing Mr. Shakes and I were both perfect when we met and have maintained a constant state of perfection ever since.

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28 Comments

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28 responses to “For Better or Worse…Unless You Lose Weight

  1. NameChanged

    Break up sign number one.

    You don’t like your significant other, or they don’t like you. For any reason.

  2. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, and…HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, too. These paid media people, they kill my ribs. “If your spouse changes her hair color, you’re toast.” Who wrote this shit, O.J. Simpson?

  3. Bwahahahaha!

    There is NO WINNING!

  4. Hmn. Let’s see. Ben let his hair grow for three years, and just recently chopped it all off and went back to being bald. ZOMG ITS THE ENDKJDLKLKJ!@#$Q^&&@#! NO CARRIER.

    Oh, wait: his hair is thick like whoa and we live in GA with no A/C.

    Well, i guess this time, i’ll just let him off with a warning. But the next time he decides to have any sort of self-determination over his own physical appearance… i’ll just have to end the relationship and drown my sorrows in self-pity. And bon-bons.

    [/snark]

  5. Angelos

    This has been a part of the body of male “knowledge” for years.

    I remember reading a long time ago, “the only time a wife successfully diets is when she’s fucking around or planning on fucking around.”

  6. that perfectly explains why my 2ndX left six months after the tit job.

  7. This has been a part of the body of male “knowledge” for years.

    Uh-huh. “Knowledge.” I remember Mr. Shakes telling me early in our relationship he’d know if I were fixin’ to leave because I’d stop kissing him “with my mooth oopen.” After I stopped laughing six hours later, I explained to him that French kissing was not, in fact, a reliable relationship barometer.

    Honestly, who teaches you guys these things?

  8. Angelos

    It’s in the manual.

  9. Honestly, who teaches you guys these things?

    Comeon. He is from Scotland after all. Up there the sheep don’t french kiss!

  10. It’s in the manual.

    Technically, Hustler isn’t a manual.

  11. I heard that the tell-tale sign of your partner leaving is if he or she trims their toenails so that you don’t get cut up in bed anymore. The idea is that your sweetie trims nails out of courtesy to their fling.

  12. NonyNony

    Wait – Angelos, they gave you a MANUAL? An here I am a chump who’s been trying to figure it all out from scratch on his own for the last three decades…

    Anyway, I remember hearing stuff like this before. The one I remember most is the guy who had his girlfriend leave him and whined about how he “shoulda seen it coming” because she’d dropped 10 pounds. I figured he “shoulda seen it coming” because he was a big jerk to her and was always telling her she was getting “fat” and that she wasn’t as “hawt” as she was when he started dating her. Frankly, I was always surprised she was merciful and just dumped him rather than shoving him out a window. But then I never got a manual for the female of the species either …

  13. The people who write the fluff columns for Yahoo! are, for the most part, utter morons. Or rather, they assume that we are, and tailor their articles as such. The point is, reading them will make you cross-eyed.

    A couple weeks ago there was one about “surprisingly high-calorie summer drinks!!” One of them was a Starbucks Frappuccino. Oh, no shit? Eighteen ounces of chocolate and whole milk is fattening? I thought because it was cold, it was healthy!

  14. As long as they lost weight for you and didn’t lose weight for someone else, its all good. Being fat=bad is still constant.

  15. Angelos

    Technically, Hustler isn’t a manual.

    You’re a little shit, aren’t you?

  16. Technically, Hustler isn’t a manual.

    You’re a little shit, aren’t you?

    You gynes/guys kill me.

    On a more serious note. I heard an amazing interview — I think it was on This American Life — with researchers studying long-term relationships. They had a hypothesis that the one thing that relationship could not withstand was contempt.

    It really rang true for me. Contempt is an antonym for respect.

  17. Oh, and Nonynony — The only people who get the female manual are “gold star” lesbians. So, not even I have that, in all my portly dykeness.

  18. ooh, I have a “gold star lesbian” for a girlfriend (not that I knew such a person existed until this moment), I will have to ask her if she has the manual.

  19. Kate217

    The only people who get the female manual are “gold star” lesbians.

    Wow, I strike out on that one! No manual for me.

  20. bluestockingsr — IIRC, she is forbidden to show it to you.

    But this may explain why she can handle you so adroitly.

  21. bluestockingsr — IIRC, she is forbidden to show it to you.

    But this may explain why she can handle you so adroitly.

    Well, I don’t really need to see it, as I “handle” her fairly well without it.

    But I think you may be right as it being her secret to “handling” me. 😀

  22. Angelos

    I had no idea what that meant either. Fascinating.

  23. ““handling” me. “
    Thanks bluestockingsr — I love it when someone gets my double entendres.

    As to “gold-star” — I’ll quote one of my favorite lesbian stand-ups:

    “Incidentally, I’m not a gold-star dyke. I once slept with a man . . . . accidentally . . . . for a year.”

  24. PhoenixRising

    Ah, but PortlyDyke, do you also have the toaster?

    I have the toaster. In fact, I recently learned, during a spate of gossip on a visit to my hometown, that the young lady whose conversion to our ways earned me said toaster is now the fundraising chair of her state’s organization for political equality.

    Which I believe makes mine a golden toaster.

    Angelos, I stopped reading the manual in early 1990 and eventually lost in a move. But keep checking garage sales in Oakland–it’s there somewhere!

  25. Benjamin

    You know what’s awesome about this article?

    A haircut means it’s OVER.
    Random outbursts of spite (which is important enough to count for 2 of our 5, apparently she’s not the Yahoo math expert) are a sign you should throw up your hands, have a good wank/bender, and “mourn” the loss of your all-too disposable relationship.

    But if the sex stops, THAT’S when you should talk about it.

    Yep, when your sig-other breaks out lines like “You want to go to TGI-Fridays because your mother is a whore!”, recognize that the relationship is doomed, that nothing can save it, that you certainly had no complicity in its disintegration, but for the love of all that’s holy, stick around for the angry resentment-sex! What a healthy, self-affirming way to validate your relationship and communication patterns to make sure that your NEXT romance is full of poetry, roses, and random rage brought on by weeks, months, or years of stilted communication. Your lover is crying in the shower or pointing out that the way you tie your shoes is a sign of the apocalypse (and lo, I saw the tennis shoes of Death, and they were tied with a double-windsor), but it’s Non-nookie that merits really talking.

    Wouldn’t it be super-duper if we had half as many articles about saving a relationship as we have about how to tell when one is doomed, and how to find the next one? Imagine if our foreign policy was handled this way! Wait…. too easy.

    In all seriousness, there is a problem with the way pop-media advises us to conduct our relationships. It doesn’t help that movies dealing with romance are either about the beginning or the end (or the little bit we get on the side during the end), and rarely about the discoveries we can make along the way in a lasting relationship (best romantic male lead EVER: Marlon Brando in Don Juan DeMarco). I’ve lost track of how many times Lindsay and I have glanced over a romance advise column, stared at each other with an expression of mutual confusion, then started talking about how the article advised everything EXCEPT just plain talking. It seems odd to me that the most fundamental aspect of romance, involvement with another person, is rarely discussed as real involvement and even more rarely discussed in terms of recognizing that you are involved with a real person.

    I could never make a living as a romance columnist, because I’d run out of things to say after I’d printed this paragraph:

    Your lover is real. They are every bit as complicated, yet simple, as you are. As much as you’re trying to figure out the intricacies of your identity, juggle the hassles of day to day living, and sort out the difference between what you want and what you get, they’re doing the same with who they are, have to do, and want to do. Recognize that and you’ve got a sounding board, a best friend, a partner in the process of discovery and integrity. They’ll save your bacon, and you’ll have the opportunity to save theirs, and those two experiences are equally valuable. Once you’ve got that part down, the rest is figuring out what it means between the two of you.

    Much beyond that and I’d have to start making up lists like “10 Warning Signs that you have actually married an Alligator” or “Steamy Romance Tips for when you realize you’re in a Shining rip-off (free preview: ghost chick will not STAY hot)”.

    I understand there is a need to provide a constant stream of generic, vacuous advice that doesn’t necessitate change, empathy, or the self-awareness exhibited by the average loaf of Wonderbread. I understand that there is an enormous market for article writers who sell the idea that a good relationship should make as much sense as a David Lynch plot (plus or minus the porn, depending on the magazine the article is printed in). What I don’t understand is why someone would try implementing this advice, find themselves in a series of relationships that range from slapstick disaster to tolerably soul-eating, and turn right back to those same sources to find out what to do next.

    Here’s a hint, Cosmo-lovers: If I walk into my first tap class and the instructor whales me in the head with a shoe, I’m going to have some doubts. When I find out that our entire recital is choreographed around me getting whaled in the head with shoes, I’m going to get dance lessons somewhere else.

  26. Alas, PhoenixRising – I do not have the toaster — although I definitely qualify (I just never applied for the toaster, because I’m too fat and lazy, dontcha know). I have always suspected that my interest in football was simply tied up in “conversion” statistics.

    Benjamin: “Wouldn’t it be super-duper if we had half as many articles about saving a relationship as we have about how to tell when one is doomed” Here’s one that I read in 2005: On Remaining Chronically In Love

  27. GiniLiz

    Wait a sec… Gold Star here. I didn’t get the manual. Does it usually come in the mail? Oh goodness, this explains so many of my problems. Where’s my manual? I want my manual!!*looks with suspicion at her wannabe-lesbian-roommate*

  28. “Incidentally, I’m not a gold-star dyke. I once slept with a man . . . . accidentally . . . . for a year.

    Ok, PD, you got me laughing out loud in my corporate (open plan) office!!!!

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