Find the Authoritarian!

Hi everyone and welcome to “Find the Authoritarian”, the blog post where we take a look at four separate entities then choose which one is the Authoritarian of the bunch.

As you all know, Authoritarians, like Scientologists, are a growing menace in the United States. And while studies show that just one in four in the U.S. would eagerly bow down to a dictator, this fringe group has proven over and over again to be incredibly destructive and demoralizing to the nation.

With that in mind, we here at “Find the Authoritarian” are pleased to be able to help those of you who are often in the dark about the ideologies of others. Today, we will be looking at the four dogs living in the home of former truck driver and bartender Bill Wolfrum. Good luck finding the Authoritarian!

Find the Authoritarian



Max worries about Max. The most intelligent of the four by a long shot, Max spends his days avoiding confrontation and enjoying the good life. While not actively disliking the other dogs, Max avoids any type of overtly rough play with them and finds most other dogs to be idiots that will eventually hurt him. Independent and the oldest of the group, Max will literally spend hours sucking on a stuffed animal, watching life pass by as he awaits his next meal, while secretly wishing he had his own money and could just buy whatever it is he desires at any given moment.



Afonso is the only one of the four to not be born in the United States and is proud of his Brazilian heritage. The smallest of the dogs, if Afonso could speak, all he’d ever say is “yiyiyiyiyiyiyi!!!!” as he actively pursues another party or tried to start one on his own. A lover of fireworks, Afonso is a dog of the canines, as he is at his happiest spending his time with other dogs. Despite his small stature, will engage in impromptu games of tackle football with dogs up to five times his size, repeatedly getting clobbered and repeatedly getting back up eagerly for more. Having lived on the streets Afonso is blessed with street smarts, and enjoys life one day at a time.



By far the biggest of the dogs, Duchess is a lover, not a fighter. Seduced by Afonso’s charms, Duchess will eagerly stomp the little dog into the ground repeatedly, which thrill Afonso to no end. A dog with few possessions, Duchess completely loses it when a tennis ball is brought into her field of vision and will gladly play fetch until she collapses. Loving and happy, Duchess has seen with her own eyes that if you work hard and strive for the best, life will continually improve.



By far the most loyal of the dogs, Jack would eagerly let you tar and feather him, because that meant you were spending time with him. Jack has sold out completely, and only wants to spend time with humans. The least intelligent of the four, Jack will immediately attack any other dog he sees regardless of his size, and has proven that by blitzkrieging Duchess, as well as a pair of Great Danes. While being the most instinctual of the group, Jack is also the most obedient, and will follow orders immediately, without discussion. Is kind and gentle to those he loves, but would gladly lord over a genocide of all other dogs.




Filed under 07_wolfrum

11 responses to “Find the Authoritarian!

  1. NameChanged

    as cute as jack is, i feel that he is the authoritarian

  2. oddjob

    Based on the descriptions Jack my choice in a heartbeat.

  3. oddjob

    (IS my choice……)

  4. William K. Wolfrum

    Note: Whew. Ok, sorry about that folks. Took me a while to get this thing all lined up properly, because I’m kinda dumb.

    And Jack’s “Mustache” is from him digging and burying things for hours on end, until the poor little guy wore the skin off his nose. He’s a special one, Jack.


  5. Arkades

    The obvious answer is Jack, but is seems so simple… is this a trick question?

  6. William K. Wolfrum

    … is this a trick question?

    Nope. Actually Authoritarians are pretty easy to pick out.


  7. Are Jack (clearly the authoritarian) and Max Boston Terriers?

    I was terrorized by horrible little Boston Terriers when I was a little kid and had to walk to school past a house with an army of them, all of whom liked to growl at, jump on, and bite little girls forced to wander within 30 yards of them.

    I’ve never met any other Boston Terriers since, and they’re really the only breed of dog I dislike. Although Max definitely looks like he could change my mind.

  8. William K. Wolfrum

    Are Jack (clearly the authoritarian) and Max Boston Terriers?

    Yeah. Max is pretty much the perfect example of a BT. He likes to hang around, is smart, a good companion, a touch grumpy, but overall a great, funny dog. And if you looked up a BT on the Internet, it would look like Max.

    Jack is actually a pure breed BT. Which could possibly be his problem. He’s about the opposite of what BTs are supposed to be – tons of energy, and a brilliant athlete. But he’s an extremely loving dog with people. Loves EVERY human he comes in contact with, unconditionally.

    Boston Terriers are really great dogs, and great for older people who like easy-to-care-for companions.

    And BTW, both of these dogs were born in Indiana.


  9. Well, I don’t know what the hell was wrong with those satanic pooches that lived down the road, but I won’t hold them against Max and Jack, especially with their being fellow Hoosiers and all.

  10. Paul the Spud

    Alfonso is so damn cute.

  11. Today was a big day for Afonso, BTW. Yesterday he finally got to say goodbye to the funnelhead and today he got to return to his job as Deputy Dawg and be with Duchess again. Both are quite thrilled.


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