Dear America: You totally need to get laid

If there was ever a nation that truly needed to get laid, it’s the United States. You, know, even just a little nooner to knock out the cobwebs, clean the pipes, whatever. Because, honestly, this shit is getting out of hand. To paraphrase the Joker, this nation needs an enema.

Residents of Oregon town say shape of traffic posts is offensive

KEIZER, Ore. – The City of Keizer is taking heat for installing a group of cement posts designed to protect pedestrians from cars, but which some say is a phallic symbol.

A total of 52 of the posts were installed at a busy intersection in Keizer and they are getting a lot of second glances.

A number of residents have complained to the city that the posts resemble male genitalia.

“I can’t disagree with that,” said City Manager Chris Eppley. “They certainly did not turn out the way we anticipated.”

According to Eppley, the posts were ordered from a catalog and looked much different on paper.

“They’re a standard style,” Eppley said. “I think in the right context they look fine. They just happened not to (look fine) here.”

The city is looking into retrofitting the posts with metal collars and chains that run between them, which they hope will change the look. If not, they said the posts will have to go.

“If that fix doesn’t work and I still think they look inappropriate, we’ll have wasted $20,000 and we’ll have to do something different,” Eppley said.

Now, I’m not all that well-traveled, but I feel pretty safe to say that this is the sort of thing that only happens in the U.S. Maybe Turkey.

–WKW

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54 Comments

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54 responses to “Dear America: You totally need to get laid

  1. Didn’t every short cement post and public cement rubbish bin in all of America look like that in the 1970’s?

    That doesn’t look like a dick; it looks like a three-dimensional memory of my childhood.

  2. Pingback: William K. Wolfrum » Blog Archive » Dear America: You totally need to get laid

  3. The city is looking into retrofitting the posts with metal collars and chains that run between them, which they hope will change the look. If not, they said the posts will have to go.

    If they do this then the posts will be ready for the Folsom Street Fair in SF.

    LOL!

  4. The city is looking into retrofitting the posts with metal collars and chains that run between them

    Kinky!

  5. eastsidekate

    If the good people of Keizer insist on seeing perversion everywhere, I fail to see how “metal collars and chains” will help things.

  6. Doktor Wankenstein

    Now, you just know that come fall semester, some wag will paint the blamed things pink with blue veins.

    I dare ya.

  7. William K. Wolfrum

    The city is looking into retrofitting the posts with metal collars and chains that run between them, which they hope will change the look. If not, they said the posts will have to go.

    I had to go back and bold that. You know, to make it look like it didn’t just fly over my head because I was shocked by the utter ineptness of the story as a whole.

    😉

    –WKW

  8. oddjob

    The city is looking into retrofitting the posts with metal collars and chains that run between them, which they hope will change the look.

    I can see I wasn’t the only one to notice this…..

    Personally, I’m not at all a fan of the Prince Albert, but, whatever floats your boat, ya know? 😉

  9. Kate217

    Sometimes all one can do is shake her head in stunned disbelief.

    The brother of a former boyfriend once observed to me that “anything taller than it is wide is inherently phallic.”

  10. Man, this really is laugh out loud funny. And then the metal collars and chains … bwahahaha.

    Do you think they’ll paint them before or after they’re all, um, tied together?

  11. Paul the Spud

    A number of residents have complained to the city that the posts resemble male genitalia.

    Somehow, I’m thinking “a number” in this case means “two or three.” Even if it’s a hundred, does that matter to the thousands of other people in the community that don’t see a dick everywhere they look?

    A total of 52 of the posts were installed at a busy intersection in Keizer and they are getting a lot of second glances.

    How the fuck do they know this, exactly? I’m so sick of this giggly BULLSHIT.

    They should paint on every post, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” Christ.

  12. Here’s a funny story from my high school years (1976).

    In high school, I was the artsy gay guy who was in charge of decorating all of the school dances. It was usually just me and the cheerleaders in the cafeteria with crepe paper, tempra paint, and rolls of butcher paper.

    One particular time, the theme of he dance was “Castles in the Sand.”

    I was in a freaky mood that day, so I decided to create large pink castles for the wall poster decorations.

    The castle towers were obviously penises. The gates of the castles were obviously vaginas. I thought that someone would catch on while we were painting them — no one did.

    In fact, no one caught on that the decorations consisted of dozens of obscene body parts until halfway through the dance.

    I was questioned about it and played dumb (I looked very innocent in those days). So, I got away with it that one time. From that point on, I had to get administrative approval for my designs.

  13. Jersey

    Remind not to vaca in Oregon. That make two states I will not step foot in, VA and OR. Idiots ruining my country.

  14. Oh, Paul, you know we are a nation of six year olds who giggle whenever we see ‘pee-pee parts’, to paraphrase Bill Maher.

  15. If they do this then the posts will be ready for the Folsom Street Fair in SF.

    You read my mind!

  16. OMG!

    Too funny, Liss, too damn funny!

  17. DBK

    Sweet Jesus in a Halter Top, these people are from Crazyville, not America.

  18. My local paper’s “Ask SAM” column recently ran a letter from someone shocked to find that some of the new NC license plates contained the letters “WTF.”

    Seriously: http://www.journalnow.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=WSJ/MGArticle/WSJ_BasicArticle&c=MGArticle&cid=

  19. lol ‘liss!!!

    I have to say though, there are some men in Oregon that are telling some serious lies if they are trying to say their penii look like that … someone has some endowment issues …

  20. But, DBK, Crazyville is the capitol of America!

  21. DPOI

    In cases like this, all you have to say to these people is: “Your mind is in the gutter.”

  22. I dunno, the headline “needs to get laid” combined with the picture was all it took to get me all warm and squiggly.

  23. NameChanged

    They’re posts. But sweet, sweet jebus, I love the Folsom St. Fair posts. I want two in front of my house.

  24. You read my mind!

    Too funny, Liss!

    Here’s what the new posts are likely to look like:

  25. And while these few asshats bitch and moan about traffic posts, they can take pride in the fact that they’re actively contributing in bringing our country further down as the rest of the world continues to eclipse us on the stuff that really matters.

  26. L

    The stupidity . . . it burns.

  27. Right. I’m offended, too. I wouldn’t want to drive around town looking at giant bullets all day, either.

  28. I think we should all go there and put white trash bags over each one so that everyone practices safe parking.

  29. milukfrog

    Oh well, it’s Keizer, ‘Nuff said. (originally I am from Oregon, and while Portland and Eugene tend to be civilized, there are some oddballs in many parts of the rest of the state).

    I don;t think they look all that phallic. However, in ancient Rome, phallic symbols were put on the corners of buildings to bring good luck. Keizer ought to keep ’em.

  30. DBK

    I was just thinking how these nutters would react to the posts in Avignon (and I assume elsewhere in France). They have these metal posts, not rounded at the top but marginally phallic, that go up and down in the road so as to allow access when someone somewhere pushes a button. So they are up, then they go down, and then they go up again. Why, it must be sexual! Cover the childrens’ eyes!

  31. Misty

    Hey, now, Oregon isn’t usually stupid.

    I’ll remember to not stop in Keizer.

  32. mamajane

    Oregon is really a dichotomy, the state as a whole is blue, blue, blue, but there are some seriously conservative pockets that are very vocal and politically active, hence the recent spate of right wing nonsense coming from there. Seriously, if you travel west of I-5, it’s practically liberal nirvana, east of I-5 (or the Cascades) you may find yourself in Deliverance territory. This is, of course, just mho, based on my personal experience, I live in WA, and have traveled through OR many times. I was surprised to find that Keizer is on the West side, but juuuussssstt barely.

    Don’t write off Oregon entirely, we libs will always have Portland, and Astoria, home of the Goondocks!

  33. Forgive me if someone else already mentioned this, but you left out the last paragraph of the article, which was my favorite. A useful suggestion:

    Of course, the city could always keep them up and use them for sex education, at least according to one woman we spoke to. “My son said he wanted to hang a sign on it that says ‘always use protection,'” she said.

  34. I think we should all go there and put white trash bags over each one so that everyone practices safe parking.

    :LOL:

  35. I just wrote the following email to the city manager because I am so offended that the city would consider replacing these posts because clearly the city is preoccupied with sex, when there are so many more pressing issues facing so many cities.

    Dear Mr. Eppley:

    I read with interest the article about your pedestrian posts that offend some of your residents with their shape. It was interesting to me because in order for such a completely ridiculous issue to merit being “corrected” by the city’s manager (with its accompanying cost to replace perfectly well-functioning posts) is must be that all other concerns must have already been addressed in Keizer. No one must be hungry, unemployed, discriminated against, homeless, suffering with a family member in Iraq, no crime, domestic violence, –why no one must even litter in Keizer, OR if your residents have time to trouble themselves about something as stupid and unimportant as the shape of posts.

    This link takes you to a rather involved discussion about how silly this issue really is to the world outside Keizer: Shakesville.

    Perhaps the residents of Keizer would advocate the removal of the Washington monument, a decidedly phallic symbol in the center of our nation’s capital in order not to offend their obviously delicate sensibilities?

    I would advocate that a sensible response to the residents who have complained about the “phallic” shape of the posts is to suggest that perhaps they are the ones preoccupied with objects having sexual meaning, and that this is the fault of the viewer and not the object.

    Best wishes,
    bluestockingsrs

  36. Pingback: The Galloping Beaver: Oregon's new phallic symbols

  37. NameChanged

    way to go bluestokingsrs! in the eye of the beholder

  38. Jewel

    Dood. I can’t believe (well, ok, yes I can) that they’re prepared to blow $20,000 just because a few people see penises everywhere they look. That’s…well, a damn waste (to say the least).

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  40. Liberal Diva

    These people obviously haven’t seen any decently-proportioned male anatomy in a long time. Perhaps that’s the problem? Send them some real porn and see if they still think the posts look phallic.

  41. I suggest the city place some plants around the base of the parking posts. Preferably globe-shaped plants. Okay, Liss, I know you can photoshop that. 🙂

  42. I suggest the city place some plants around the base of the parking posts.

    Perhaps some Curly Willow.

  43. jeff

    This reminds me of the joke about the pervert that is being evaluated at a mental hospital. The Doctor shows him an inkblot and asks “What do you see?” The guy answers “Two people fucking.” The Doctor shows him a second one, and asks “What do you see?” The guy answers “A huge Dick!”…the doctor shows a third, and asks “What do you see?” The guy answers “An ENORMOUS pair of tits.” The doctor puts down the cards and says “I don’t think we need to go any further…It appears that you have a serious sexual fixation.” The patient says “I’m the one with the sexual fixation? Then why are YOU the one with all the dirty pictures, Doc!”

  44. Pingback: Problem Solved! at Shakesville

  45. I have to say though, there are some men in Oregon that are telling some serious lies if they are trying to say their penii look like that …

    “Only, you know, a bit bigger…”

  46. They think that’s a phallus?

    THIS is a phallus!

  47. Pingback: Attack Of The Phallic Thingies: The Sequel at Shakesville

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  51. Pingback: Dvorak Uncensored » Giant concrete penises overtake Oregon town, citizens outraged, will the milita be sent to restore order?!

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