You may or may not know of radical cleric Doug Giles, who’s one of those “cool” ministers with an awesome, hip show where he gets down with the kids and really raps about the heavy stuff on the street. You know the type.
Giles is also a columnist at Townhall, and a complete jerk, and, unfortunately, a father. And he’s come up with ten commandments (his words, not mine) for dating his daughters.
Those without strong stomachs may not want to continue on.
Giles, of course, is a super-sensitive guy, well aware that his daughters are not his possessions, but women in their own right:
Not only do I have an opinion regarding wannabe suitors, I have 10 commandments for potential boyfriends. Yes, seeing that I’m still the Alpha dog of the Giles castle, that I still pay the bills, buy the SUVs, pay for College and secure their condos, then by God, I’m still makin’ the rules. I am Doug Almighty, got that Rico Suave?
Yes, Doug sure is with it. I mean, a reference to “Rico Suave?” That’s certainly going to be clear to all the kids these days. I wonder if he’ll reference Snoopy Dog Dog later?
Anyhow, Doug’s the Alpha Dog, and so he’s gonna pee on potential suitors, starting with rule one:
1. Thou shall understand that your presence doesn’t make me happy. Young squire, don’t expect me to be giggly when I meet you. As a matter of fact, you’re ruining my life right now. Therefore, don’t try to be cute with me. That stuff may work on my daughter or my wife, but it does not work with me.
“Ruining your life?” Doug, are you kidding me? My daughter’s four, how is it that I’m already emotionally more able to deal with her one day dating than you are with your girls? Jebus, what, you expected your daughters to live with you their whole lives? And if so, why?
As for “being cute” — I’ve been off the circuit for a while, but I was never “cute” or “giggly” with an S.O.’s father. Frankly, I’m a little disturbed that Doug thinks anyone will be.
Rule number two:
2. Thou had better have a life. My wife and I have worked our tails off providing a good life for our girls; therefore, you better have one, Spanky. Let me spell it out for you just in case you don’t get it. You must have something positive going on in that thing you call a life.
Additionally, you must be pursuing said noble goal at Mach2 with your hair on fire. If you’re a slacking, blame-shifting, visionless slug with genital warts who’s waiting for someone to carry them into greatness and who lives by the dictates of his ding dong, then you need to find a girl who doesn’t have a father like me.
Uh…I think no matter who you are you’re better off finding a girl without a father like you, Doug. But I can’t really address that right now. Frankly, what disturbs me here is how hung up on your daughter’s boyfriend’s penis you are. I mean, “genital warts?” “Liv[ing] by the dictates of his ding dong?” Doug? Are you trying to tell us something here?
Ah, but things get more insane:
3. Thou shall not touch my daughter, or I’ll tear your hands off and you’ll have to “whip the bishop” with a stub. Not only am I not cool with your being around me, I’m sure as heck not down with your touching my daughter. Therefore, when you’re in my space (and in my absence) you’d better treat my daughters with the utmost respect.
Do not under any circumstance hang all over my daughter, fondle my daughter or soul kiss my kid until you have a wedding ring on her finger, a joint checking account and MMA at Wachovia—or I will shove your Justin Timberlake backside off my 3rd floor balcony first chance I get, capisce?
All right, everyone, what’s missing from the last two paragraphs? If you said “Any indication that Doug has even considered that his daughter may want to hang all over/fondle/soul kiss her boyfriend,” give yourself a gold star.
Yes, in Doug’s world, women don’t initiate sex, men do. And if his daughters never have a boyfriend ask them for sex, they’ll never have sex, until marriage, at which point they can do all they want because God will bless their genitals. Or something.
Also, once again, Doug shows an unhealthy interest in his daughters’ boyfriends’ penises. Really, that’s a lot of thinking about penises. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
4. Thou shall look me in the eye, shake my hand like a man and turn off your cell phone. I don’t care how Snoop Dog acts and what you’ve seen on MTV or in the movies. If you come into my house mumbling, with your shades on and texting the entire time you’re around me, you’re probably going to be spending the next couple of days in ICU.
Told you he’d reference Snoop Dog!
I want eye contact. I want you to see my soul, son. I want to look you in the eye when I communicate things regarding my girls and their lives. So, take the shades off, Hollywood. In addition, if and when I extend my hand, grab it like you mean it. Where I come from, a limp hand shake = limp life, Twinkle Toes. Also, when you’re at my casa, your phone goes on vibrate. I’m sure you’ll like that.
Okay, can I just call time out and say that while I don’t think that all crazy Christian men are gay — really, I don’t, I would never insult homosexuals by suggesting Doug Giles is one of them — doesn’t it seem like they go to level eleven of homoeroticism immediately? I mean, Doug’s very concerned that his daughter’s boyfriends be really manly, have a good handshake, and not wear their sunglasses at night, so he can gaze deeply into their eyes and communicate with them. I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’.
5. Thou shall understand that you are a boy talking to a man.
Here’s some 411 to meditate upon before you address me. I am at least twice your age. I used to be a drug user/dealer until God zapped me. I’ve been in many fights. I’ve shot at felons. I faced down too-many-to-count charging wild boar. I’ve spent years in Tae Kwon Do. I’ve traveled the planet, planted churches and started businesses. You, on the other hand, use Proactiv and drive a Ford Focus; therefore, you will call me “Mr. Giles” and my wife “Mrs. Giles” until we tell you any different.
I can frankly accept that you should address people as they ask to be addressed; I always started with Mr. and Mrs. for my S.O.’s parents, and I’d probably expect the same courtesy from anyone dating my daughter, because that’s simple courtesy. But if I was going to be a huge flaming cobag about demanding it, that would be far more out of line than anything a potential date for my daughter could ever come up with to call me would be. Doug Giles is a huge flaming cobag.
Also, don’t gush around me nor attempt to read me an entry from your journal. I’m not Oprah or one of your metrosexual buddies that you can share all of your inner fears and deepest needs with. I am a Neanderthal.
Translation: I sure hope you don’t have feelings. That way my daughter can be emotionally undervalued in her relationship with you until she breaks up with you.
6. Thou shall know that our family is old school. Do not even think about approaching me with liberal, hippy, agnostic, atheistic, anti-American or tree humping bull crap. I was raised by country-loving, God-fearing, hard-working, meat-eating, good ole’ Texan parents, and I have zero tolerance for what your long-toothed, rather mannish lesbian sociology teacher at Columbia U programmed you with—you dig?
You know, my ex-father-in-law was significantly more conservative than I was, and we’d argue politics, and he never held my dissent against me. He always enjoyed the argument, really, and would indeed press me to argue even when I didn’t really want to. I doubt my daughter will choose a John Birch Society type — given that she’s a four-year-old Unitarian vegetarian who criticizes me already for eating meat, I think the odds are much stronger that she’ll only date socialists — but if I had to pick a quality in a mate for my daughter, I’d much rather she find one that is willing to argue with me than one who won’t. The only danger is it might annoy my daughter.
7. Thou shall know that I like cool and expensive gifts and you shall provide unto me this bounty, if you’re smart. One great way to earn my favor is to buy it. Yes, you’d be shrewd to approach me like the three wise men did baby Jesus, namely with gold, frankincense and myrrh.
For example; I like high quality cigars (nothing below a 90), Johnnie Walker Blue Label, Chimay Grand Reserve, books on hunting Africa and old British double rifles. I also like original art work, R&B and classic rock compilations, collecting skulls, hunting and big game fishing trips, antique Christian and Classic books, custom choppers and early twentieth century African safari memorabilia.
Who knows . . . I might, might, ask you to join me for a nice cigar session with me and the boys if thou comest bearing such offerings.
At which point we see that Doug Giles was born a thousand years too late, and in the wrong country. Indeed, it’s clear that had he lived in feudal Europe, or perhaps China, he would happily trade his daughter to the son of the rich landowner down the road as long as he got three prize goats and a flagon of mead for her.
If any potential suitors for my daughter are Googling this in the year 2022, understand this well: if you ever choose to buy me something expensive over buying something nice for my daughter (or indeed, over saving your money), I’ll be furious with you. You do not need to kiss up to me.
8. Thou shall understand that if you’re dumb enough to tell me a dirty joke, I’m comfortable enough with kicking your butt. I’m not one of your thug buddies you can go down the gutter with. I want maturity when you are around my family.
Okay, I’ll give Doug this, but only because anyone dumb enough to tell their S.O.’s parents a dirty joke deserves what they get. At least if they do so before their S.O.’s parents share one.
9. Thou shall keep your word. If you say you’re going to do something, then I expect you to do it. You see, I’m looking for stability/reliability for my ladies, and keeping your word in the smallest matters tells me that you’re ahead of the pack and at least a consideration, in my mind, for our support.
You know, I’d agree with Doug on this, but the truth is, Doug, that it’s not you that your daughters’ dates needs to keep faith with — it’s your daughters.
10. Thou shall do these three things: 1) Look good. Do not come into my house with earrings, a grill, or over sized pants with your butt cleavage hanging out. 2) Read. If I have to talk to you, you had better know as much about as many things as possible. 3) Serve. I’m looking for a sacrificial dude who doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty in helping around the house, in our community, in our nation and with our wonderful world. If you, young man, obey all the words written here, then and only then will you have a chance with my babies. Now, go get me a beer.
Now that you’ve read all Doug’s rules, what’s missing?
Any sense that Doug’s girls are autonomous human beings, you say? That’s right! Yes, Doug talks quite a bit about “letting” boys have a chance with his daughters. But what Doug doesn’t really seem to realize is that his daughters are the ones to determine what boys (or girls) have a chance with them.
I’m going to have all sorts of advice for my daughter when she’s old enough to date. And she’ll take some of it and ignore most of it, because that’s what you do when you’re starting to date. And no doubt she’ll date some boys (or girls) who I like, and some who I don’t like as much. But what I think of them isn’t important. It’s what she thinks of them that matters.
Doug Giles came up with ten rules for dating his daughters. I may tinker between now and 2016, but I think I’m going to have two:
1. Treat my daughter well, like someone you actually care for.
2. Never force her to do anything she doesn’t want to do.
There are all sorts of things I hope for in a suitor for my daughter. But what I hope for is irrelevant. What Doug Giles hopes for is irrelevant, too; he just is too proud to admit it.