I’ve Got Something For You!

If you lived in the Chicagoland area in the late 80s & early 90s you will no doubt remember perhaps the most brilliant spellbinding series of commercials ever made. And by brilliant and spellbinding, I mean campy, trashy and downright tacky (welcome to my world).

The Eagle Insurance commercials were a guilty pleasure, featuring busty women in low-cut tops and crispy 80s perms being stalked by a creep in a cheap eagle costume. Now being recognized by Maxim online (talk about tacky) as one of the worst commercials ever, and enjoying a new life on YouTube, these commercials bring me back to my drug-fueled, irony-drenched youth.

The clip below is the original, in which two South Side gal pals get a surprise from Eagle Man – but don’t seem to notice, as Maxim points out, that male birds can’t lay eggs:

Another tacky, arguably sexist, version contained a sexy lady holding two of Eagle Man’s eggs over her chest, proclaiming, “You can’t beat these.” The low rates, you dirty bird! The low rates. Jeez!

SIDE NOTE: The CGI egg-laying you see in this commercial was not in the 80s original. The technology simply did not exist. Someone has pulled a George Lucas!!



Filed under 06_mr_furious

28 responses to “I’ve Got Something For You!

  1. Paul the Spud

    I can’t watch youtube at work, but I knew immediately what you were talking about just from reading the title. 😀 The first time I saw this commercial, I shrieked “Oh my god, he’s shitting on their car!!

  2. Todd

    Haha – if only …

  3. DrNick

    Hi, everybody!

    Chicago has some godawful ads, that’s for sure. My all time favorite is Victory Auto Wreckers. A crap ad that’s been aired unchanged for 30 years.

    Then there’s Philly’s best…Or Golf Mill Ford…We are really spoiled for choice.

  4. I think you left either the word “evil” or “creepy” out of your title. Because that giant eagle shitting out an egg? Freaky. And not in a good way.


  5. Paul the Spud

    Speaking of Chicago commercials:

    Scariest face on television, ever?

    Bob ROOOOOOOARman.

  6. Todd

    It would make a great Z-level horror movie, a la “Jack Frost,” the excellent series of films about the killer snowman. He could utter “I’ve got something for you” as his catchphrase before murdering his victims.

  7. Melissa McEwan

    Eagle Man’s voice has changed, too! And remember he used to just say: “I’ve got something…for YOUUUUU!” None of that SR-22 crap.

    these commercials bring me back to my drug-fueled, irony-drenched youth

    LMAO – totally. I seriously remember sitting around that flat on Albion smoking pot and watching Rikki Lake after class, and this shitty commercial would come on and we’d compulsively say all the dialogue along with it every damn time.

    And that commercial for that auto place–drag it, tow it, push it, pull it… Remember that one? Where the guy tries to open his car door and it falls off? LOLOLOL!!!

  8. Melissa McEwan

    The best Chicago commercials ever, though, are still Moo and Oink.

    M-m-m-moooooo and oink!

  9. And that commercial for that auto place–drag it, tow it, push it, pull it… Remember that one? Where the guy tries to open his car door and it falls off? LOLOLOL!!!

    Is that the already mentioned Victory Auto Wreckers?

    I’m not sure I needed this trip down memory lane. I didn’t smoke pot in high school, so I had to face that eagle straight. *shudder*

  10. Paul the Spud

    On Grand……….. avenue.

  11. Melissa McEwan

    Is that the already mentioned Victory Auto Wreckers?

    Yeah, I just noticed that; I was still writing my stupid comment when DrNick posted his. 🙂

    I didn’t smoke pot in high school

    Ha! Neither did we–which would be hard to believe if you saw the movies we made in high school.

  12. Todd

    Ah that also reminds me of SWAT Cats, Danny Bonaduce, the Tammy Faye & Jm J. Bullock talk show & don’t forget “Freedom Rock” – “Hey man, is that Freedom Rock? Then turn it up!”

    And Paul, Bob ROARman is scarier than a thousand Eagle Men combined. As I recall, I believe he was involved in an underage sex scandal in the 80s. Talk about icky.

  13. Melissa McEwan

    Ah that also reminds me of SWAT Cats

    What about the Samurai Pizza Cats, lol?

    Also: Remember being obsessed with Rolanda?

  14. Paul the Spud

    At York and Roosevelt roads… where you always save more money!

    And Paul, Bob ROARman is scarier than a thousand Eagle Men combined.

    It always freaked me out how his nose would appear to vanish on camera. He had those HUGE eyes, HUGE glasses and a HUGE moustache, and in a long shot, he wouldn’t appear to have a nose. Gah! I didn’t hear about the sex scandal, but it would explain why he kind of disappeared for a while.

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to watch Thundercats.

  15. All I can say is how fucking glad I grew up in an era when we didn’t have TV. Moo and Oink my ass! But it does explain a lot about why this joint is ike it is. LOL (Wouldn’t have it any other way.)

  16. Well, Empire Carpets has gone nationwide, so we get that earwig of a jingle “588-2300 – EMPIRE” down here in Miami except it’s preceded by “800-…” That brings back a lot of memories when WGN was on every cable system in the country.

  17. Melissa McEwan

    At York and Roosevelt roads… where you always save more money!

    Celozzi Ettleson Chevrolet!

  18. john arredondo

    Hilarious Todd. That’s good stuff and damn, the Victory Auto Wreckers with the door falling off the car, ah the memories.

    Loooooook at those low rates….

  19. DrNick

    Wow! I lived on the same street as Melissa! I’m so blessed!

    Oh my god. I had a theatre class with one of the Celozzi kids in college. The whole clan came to see his piece as part of a large presentation of everyone’s work. They showed up for -just- the piece, inconveniencing the theatre, and then left midway through someone else’s performance (but after their kid’s piece was done).

    College directing class…This fucker hired professional actors.

    You may save money at Celozzi Ettleson, but that kid clearly had money to spend.

  20. Melissa McEwan

    I lived on the same street as Melissa!

    Did you live on Albion?!

  21. Tiffanie

    HAHA! That’s great… I wish I could share with you the trashiest commercial of all time from Dirt Cheap Cigarettes and Beer from St. Louis. It featured a scantily clad chicken saying “Cheap Cheap, Fun Fun.” Unfortunately, it isn’t on You Tube.

  22. Kathy A

    Remember the commercials from the late ’70s with the newsie reading off “headlines” about the latest sales at the car delaer? My favorite one was the one that ended with “KID GETS HIT BY PIE,” which was obviously filmed on the first take, because he’s completely surprised by the pie that gets smacked in his kisser.

    That kid ended up going to my brother’s college in MN, and got abuse for being the Newsie from TV for at least his freshman year (which was my brother’s final year).

  23. Rin

    I thought I’d repressed that commercial, but no, you had to bring it back up. :o)

    My favorite Chicago commercial was the Menard’s commercial… “Save big money at Menards!” I can still hear the damn jingle in my head.

  24. DrNick

    Did you live on Albion?!

    I certainly did, just west of Clark Street! Kwik Mart and Subway were my nutrition back then.

    Loved the Menard’s ad, and loved the hyperkinetic old man who pitched stuff. After he died, it didn’t work with the young woman. That man loved hardware like a meth addict loves scratching.

  25. Why did I move to Rogers Park after all the Shakers were gone? Always late to the party. 😦

    I’d also like to add that on the rare occasion when I pass Touhy and Harlem, I inevitably have to sing the Harlem Furniture jingle. You’ll like our styyyle… Touhy and Harlem!

  26. The radio station in the metropolis (pop. 3000) near which I grew ran an ad for years for a local grocery store called Pete’s Market. The tag line (which the market had on their sign as well) was “Eat Pete’s meat. You can’t beat it!”

  27. GAGH! “near which I grew up…”

  28. Pingback: Daily Round-Up at Shakesville

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