Try not to Upchuck

Bill’s post asking the excellent question, “Dane Cook: seriously, WTF?” reminded me that I’ve been meaning to share the trailer for Good Luck Chuck here. Enough misogyny and fatphobia to last a lifetime, conveniently packed into two minutes and nineteen seconds!

I caught the second half of this trailer playing on a DVD player or computer monitor or something at Fry’s a couple weeks ago. I walked past just as they zoomed in on the fat chick in a bikini scratching herself, so of course I was instantly transfixed with rage. My boyfriend, Al, realized what was going on and was like, “Don’t look! JUST DON’T LOOK! WALK AWAY!” (Translation: “Please, please do not go on about this for the entire ride home, because I, too, would prefer that Dane Cook fall off a cliff, and there’s really nothing I can do about it. PLEASE DON’T SCREAM AT ME!”)

I think you can all guess how I feel about a movie based on the premise that women would fuck Dane Cook just to find a husband, the plot of which hinges on the assumption that no one would ever marry a fat woman. (Not to mention the laffs mined from how those nasty fat chicks have not gotten the memo that society finds them aesthetically displeasing, have absolutely zero self-awareness, and routinely eat like starving tigers. Ouch! My knee is killing me from all the slapping! IT’S SO TRUE!) So I won’t even belabor that here — although I certainly invite you to belabor it in comments.

I’ll just say this: the last guy I dated before Al was a “Good Luck Chuck.” The last two women he’d dated before me found their future husbands and got hitched within a year of breaking up with him. He was actually starting to get a complex about it — and because I am both classy and compassionate like this, I even said to him near the end, “Well, at least I know that all I have to do to find a guy I want to marry is break up with you.” Lo and behold, I met Al 2 months after I broke up with that last guy, and we are almost certainly in it for the long haul — so dude’s approaching the trifecta.

And here’s my personal theory on why that is: that particular guy was the fucking nadir of relationships for all three of us women. His entire life revolved around work, whiskey, TV, and playing guitar badly — and work only because it paid for the whiskey, TV and guitars. He had absolutely no interest — and admitted it in so many words — in acting like an adult. (He was 35.) He had no real desire to participate in a relationship, but he was a serial monogamist because he was too lazy to find different women to fuck. He was the kind of guy who, when you said, “I love you,” replied, “I know. I’m sorry.”

So when I walked away from that relationship, I was officially done with That Guy, once and for all. I was finally done with tolerating any whiff of That Guy, in fact. I was prepared to be alone for the rest of my life rather than date That Guy ever again.

But the thing is, once you clear away the clutter of all the That Guys in the world, it becomes much easier to spot the guys you do want to be with. And you have a whole new apprecation for them. The night I met Al, I was on a first date with a complete douche, and in what was possibly the most uncharacteristic move I’ve ever made in my life, I walked away from the douche long enough to tell Al I had a crush on him and wanted to talk to him more. Because I knew from talking to him for ten minutes that he was vastly different from every guy I’d dated previously — and I finally realized that was exactly what I was looking for.

So there’s my anecdotal, wholly unscientific assessment of why some guys seem to consistently be the last stop before marriage for the women they date: they’re such stunning examples of adolescent dickshinery, the women who date them can’t help but be permanently turned off by anyone who remotely resembles them — and are therefore more likely to find themselves attracted to emotionally available, grown-up men.

And Dane Cook isn’t doing anything to make me question that theory. Is all I’m sayin’.

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21 Comments

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21 responses to “Try not to Upchuck

  1. So there’s my anecdotal, wholly unscientific assessment of why some guys seem to consistently be the last stop before marriage for the women they date: they’re such stunning examples of adolescent dickshinery, the women who date them can’t help but be permanently turned off by anyone who remotely resembles them — and are therefore more likely to find themselves attracted to emotionally available, grown-up men.

    I met my husband while sitting in a nightclub, watching the band and waiting for my date to arrive–a guy who fucking stood me up. Which was just as well.

    Stand-up Guy was this lawyer I dated from time to time; it was a “relationship” I’d describe (not very nicely) as sportf*cking. He was the latest in a string of Alpha dogs I’d dated my whole life, guys more interested in having arm candy than any sort of intelligent, equal partner. Hell, they weren’t interested in relationships, period, or even being a decent-enough sort to treat people well. I wish I knew why I bothered. Anyway, I’d been avoiding the whole dating scene, purposely, when Stand-up Guy called and said to meet him downtown at a certain club, as a band we both liked was playing.

    It was something to do.

    When, after a while, it became evident Stand-up wasn’t coming, I put on my gloves and jacket and was about to stand up myself, when in came Robert, arriving there with the intention of hooking up with a woman he was having an affair with (he was still married, though separated). He met me instead. He was completely unlike anyone I’d ever known. And that–as you said, and as they say–was that.

  2. On the one hand I can really see psycologically how there might be a type of guy who women tend to settle down with the next one after. And even if their weren’t then by pure co-incidence it would happen to some guy and he’d get paranoid.

    On the other hand it’s clearly the worst film in a long time. Without even bothering to see it – I’m adding it to the worst-of-all-time list!

    http://cruellablog.blogspot.com/2007/06/my-least-favourite-movie-of-all-time.html

  3. This movie is 100% certain to be a BOMB.

    Obviously, the writers have used the Shallow Hal formula on what has the potential of being a clever concept. I think many of us have had known guys who are “good luck Chuck.”

    I used to have a friend who would live with a girlfriend for a very short time and then she’d leave him and be married within a year. I saw it happen three times.

    My friend suffered from “Peter Pan” syndrome. He was a nice guy and fun to hang out with, but he was still a little boy in many ways. His life revolved around playing softball, motorcycles, and smoking pot.

    The last girl I knew that he lived with was a “wild and crazy” stripper. We all thought she was a perfect match for our friend. Finally someone who would put up with his childish ways.

    Nope. She left him and was married and pregnant within a year. She’s now a typical soccer mom.

  4. Constant Comment

    The reverse side to this is that men don’t want commit to you but then marry the next woman they date after they break up with you. This has never happened to me but it has happened to a close friend of mine TWICE IN A ROW. (And, FYI, she is a lovely, kind and smart woman–someone I have been proud to call a friend for over 20 years.) She must have been rebound/transition woman for both these guys. She lived with one of them for a few years. He had gotten out of his first marriage and the last thing he wanted to do was get married…until he broke up with her. Then, the next guy she dated for two years wouldn’t commit to her, then broke up with her and married someone else. That kind of rejection is hard to deal with once, but twice? Sheesh…

  5. Brynn

    they’re such stunning examples of adolescent dickshinery, the women who date them can’t help but be permanently turned off by anyone who remotely resembles them — and are therefore more likely to find themselves attracted to emotionally available, grown-up men.

    Ah, but this is Hollywood! So Dane Cook will see the light, reform his childish, wayward, shallow male ways and show himself to be not such a bad guy after all, probably through an unselfish, totally improbable and completely uncharacteristic act.

    In other words, the female love of his life will “save” him–or “pussywhip” him, depending on your gender perspective. Then they’ll live happily ever after.

    What a bizarre and overworked fantasy! Given that the cliché has been repeated for as long as there have been movies, is it any wonder that one out of two (?) marriages in America end in divorce?

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  8. Paen

    Once again Hollywood is shitting on those of us who don’t look like famine victims.What a bunch of worthless Nazis.

  9. Speaking of misogyny, have you seen this ad for Vagisil? Crustacean down there much?

  10. See, I don’t even know WTP, it’s just wrong.

  11. NameChanged

    Arghh! I am offended as a woman, a “fatty,” a spouse, and a fan of comedy. Women must get married, so therefore they must subject themselves to brain-donors with penises and too much hair product. Fatties can’t find any love, so they are ready to ravage any random brain-donor penis as long as there is ample fried chicken available. Men are randomly assigned to women, so they must get lucky to fall in line behind a “good luck chuck.” True comedy takes brains and effort, so let’s put someone in an ill-fitting swimmingsuit, sans tan, sans make-up, among a cast of skeletons, and think about her having sex with an “attractive” person. That will get some laughs.

    This is so lazy, and I am sooooo over Jessica Alba.

  12. I walked away from the douche long enough to tell Al I had a crush on him and wanted to talk to him more.

    This has never happened to me, and it really should. (Al’s experience, not douche’s.)

    I know that’s not the point of the story, but still.

  13. You know, someone could watch fat people long enough to realize we don’t fucking eat a whole cow at each meal. Also, if I were a woman, Dane Cook wouldn’t make me marry the next guy I met. He’d make me either asexual or a lesbian. I resent that I share a gender with him.

    In other words, the female love of his life will “save” him–or “pussywhip” him, depending on your gender perspective. Then they’ll live happily ever after.

    What a bizarre and overworked fantasy! Given that the cliché has been repeated for as long as there have been movies, is it any wonder that one out of two (?) marriages in America end in divorce?

    Yeah, I sort of expected my ex-wife would “save” me — turn me into that composed, responsible person that men are supposed to become during marriage. Funny story — it turns out nobody can save you but you! I know, shocking, like finding out that money doesn’t grow on trees, but there you go.

    We’re divorced now. She’s better off, and I probably am as well, because I’ve managed to pull it together since we divorced, and I wouldn’t have otherwise.

  14. And, as pointed out by Feministing, let’s not forget the awesome posters that accompany this high-browed cinematic treat.

    But yes, when I saw the trailer I was groaning but when it came to the “fat girl” part I completely lost it. (I love the bit with Al ast the beginning of the post. His reaction sounds EXACTLY like my boyfriend’s when things like this come up.) Because, you know, the movie isn’t insulting and disgusting enough as is, no, we’ve got to go ahead and throw in the fact that:

    1. No one on the planet anywhere would ever want to touch, much less marry, a fat girl.
    2. And, by the way, fat girls? Aren’t really people, nay! They are subhuman, disgusting, repulsive creatures who don’t even bother wiping their faces, so busy are they shoveling food into their gaping maws.
    I left a comment about how insulting this was (and had to make mention of Cook is nothing but a hacky joke thief) at the myspace page for this movie and you know who actually responded to me? The actress that plays the “fat girl” and her response was a message that said, “Hope you enjoy the movie at a theater near you this summer!” It just made me…sad.

    Dane Cook, though, he still made me sick. And, yes, Kate, you’re right. The “good luck” would be getting the fuck AWAY from a guy like Chuck!

  15. Arkades

    So there’s my anecdotal, wholly unscientific assessment of why some guys seem to consistently be the last stop before marriage for the women they date: they’re such stunning examples of adolescent dickshinery, the women who date them can’t help but be permanently turned off by anyone who remotely resembles them…

    Sounds like Dane Cook is perfectly cast for this role, then.

  16. I’d just like to say that male fuckwadishness works in the gay world, too. I met my current BF after dating what I now realize to be the gay douche of all gay douches…such a shame, though, that it seems we’re all doomed to weed through what we DON’T want to find what we do.
    And, frankly, Dane’s a big ol’ homo. I’ve never seen a guy want to show himself off that much since the last time I went to Splash.
    Ok, maybe not. I don’t want him in the gay world.

  17. Melissa McEwan

    I’ve never seen a guy want to show himself off that much since the last time I went to Splash.

    LOL! Awesome.

    He hugely pegs my gaydar too, btw.

  18. Mhorag

    Jeez, I had that “break up with a guy and marry the next one” experience. In fact, he dumped me, and 18 months later, I was married to the love of my life (coming up on our 27th anniversary).

    I should really look that guy up and thank him. Dumping me was the best thing he could have done for me.

    Otherwise, this movie sounds like a HUGE skip.

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  20. Elusis

    Note that the trailer doesn’t stop at the fat-hatred – it’s just the most blatantly obvious.

    My gross-o-meter started pinging the moment the clip of the “faggy-sounding” guy on Chuck’s answering machine played. You could just visualize the limp-wrist-waving that the writers were trying to evoke on the other end of the phone.

    DEFEND THAT HETEROSEXUAL MASCULINITY, GUYS! GO TEAM STRAIGHT WHITE MAN!

    (oh yeah – clip was too small for me to be 100% sure, but were there ANY women of color in his many pictured conquests?)

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