“I’m Not Gay. I Swear. I’m Really Not.”

Michael Glatze claims that he’s no longer gay.

Homosexuality came easy to me, because I was already weak.

My mom died when I was 19. My father had died when I was 13. At an early age, I was already confused about who I was and how I felt about others.

My confusion about “desire” and the fact that I noticed I was “attracted” to guys made me put myself into the “gay” category at age 14. At age 20, I came out as gay to everybody else around me.

[…]

Knowing no one who I could approach with my questions and my doubts, I turned to God; I’d developed a growing relationship with God, thanks to a debilitating bout with intestinal cramps caused by the upset stomach-inducing behaviors I’d been engaged in.

Soon, I began to understand things I’d never known could possibly be real, such as the fact that I was leading a movement of sin and corruption – which is not to sound as though my discovery was based on dogma, because decidedly it was not.

I came to the conclusions on my own.

Um…here’s a bit of advice: if you got intestinal cramps while engaging in sex, you’re doing it wrong.

This poor person obviously has issues with being gay. And with being religious. He’s battling the programming God gave him with the programming that some church is pounding into him, and he’s going to end up in some sad state of denial for the rest of his life, thinking that prayer will overcome his natural order of things. He also conflates being gay with lust. Obviously he has never turned on Spike TV or seen the average commercial to notice that lust isn’t just for queers; it’s an equal opportunity element, and humans — gay or straight — respond to it in surprisingly the same way. It sells.

I’ve met my fair share of people who claim they’re no longer gay. Some have even married women. (And it’s funny that they always seem to want to get in touch with me and get together…just “hang out.” Uh huh.) When I ask them if they’re happy they instantly answer Yes!, but they say they’re ever on guard against the temptations of “the flesh.” It’s not easy being straight, y’know.

But if you have to be afraid of it…and yourself, being gay is the least of your worries. You’ve let some real issues with your inability to mature and become a fully-formed human who doesn’t need to be on guard against themselves. It’s the people who try to oppress their human nature who turn into the freaks and the pervs.

Next week: Michael Jackson reveals how he’s no longer black.

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22 Comments

Filed under 06_bobby

22 responses to ““I’m Not Gay. I Swear. I’m Really Not.”

  1. “Homosexuality, delivered to young minds, is by its very nature pornographic. It destroys impressionable minds and confuses their developing sexuality; I did not realize this, however, until I was 30 years old.”

    Huh? Okay, if you’re talking about showing young kids gay sex pictures, then, yeah, that’s pornographic. It’s also pornographic if you show them straight sex pictures. That’s the only way I can wrap my mind around what he says, but somehow I doubt it’s what he meant.

    “We believe, under the influence of homosexuality, that lust is not just acceptable, but a virtue. But there is no homosexual “desire” that is apart from lust.”

    Huh, again? There’s no heterosexual desire that’s apart from lust either.

    Good grief, if the guy wants to be straight, more power to him. But he doesn’t have to make up a bunch of shit to justify himself and try to make other people feel bad.

  2. ExcuseMeExcuseMe

    MB, you really crack me up. Was still laughing about the cramps diagnosis when you hit me with Michael Jackson. Two perfects in a row. I needed some laughs; thanks.

    Cruised over, so to speak, to Joe.My.God who answered the same story with

    Know amoebas, know Jeebus.

    As Joe often says: “god, I love my people.”

  3. oddjob

    Michael honey……

    Intestinal cramps?

    Ummmmm, did you talk to your doctor, or your pastor?

  4. oddjob

    Yes, if you do lots of anal sex and you don’t know what you’re doing you’re bound to get sick sooner or later, just like a straight person who has lots of sex and doesn’t know about anything and just assumes there will always be no worries is going to get sick sooner or later.

    That’s why sex ed. is usually taught as a health topic………

    (Honestly – some people!

    Exhasperated sigh………….)

  5. OMFG!! I read his whole article. It’s just so, so sad.

    I love the ending: “God wins in the end, in case you didn’t know.”

    Well, since I believe that “God” is a collective of the authentic beings within each of us, I take some comfort in that.

    I am trying to remember that he’s only 30 — and when I think about the unequivocally stupid, daring statements that I made at that age (which now embarrass me completely), I remind myself to sit back and relax — we’ll tune into him again in ten years — hopefully, happy, healthy, and in whatever orientation is perfect for him.

    I have no problem with people being straight if it brings them pleasure and fulfillment. However, any “orientation” that is a constant “battle against temptation” doesn’t sound particularly fulfilling to me.

    And if he was just queer in order to capitalize on the queer media market . . . . well, I’m glad I believe in karma.

  6. oddjob

    However, any “orientation” that is a constant “battle against temptation” doesn’t sound particularly fulfilling to me.

    It isn’t………..

  7. Michael Jackson reveals how he’s no longer black.

    That’s not fair. Synthetic skin only comes in a limited range of colors.

  8. ExcuseMeExcuseMe

    Yeah, but this guy Michael Glatze still looks gay.

  9. Brynn

    Aside from everything that’s wrong with Glatze’s apologia–which is, ummm, everything, I am creeped out–not for the first time!–by these fundamentalist Christians’ debasing familiarity with God.

    Knowing no one who I could approach with my questions and my doubts, I turned to God; I’d developed a growing relationship with God, thanks to a debilitating bout with intestinal cramps caused by the upset stomach-inducing behaviors I’d been engaged in. [emphasis mine]

    Now if I were the Creator of the Universe—including blackholes, earthquakes, hurricanes, landslides, tornadoes, extinction-producing comets, volcanoes, tsunamis…you get the idea—I’d basically bitch slap this insolent little worm for daring to bother me with intestinal cramps?! I’d smite him with a lightening bolt for deigning to take such liberties! I am the Creator of the Universe! Not some buddy you take down to the local pub to buy a Guinness and complain about your effing stomach ache!!!

    Which, by the way, may be a big part of this guy’s problems: he had no real friends. Lots of fuck buddies, perhaps, but no real friends he could turn to when he needed help and support. So he invented an imaginary friend and turned to the Rightwing Christian homobigots to lend his creation more alleged credibility.

  10. Homosexuality came easy to me, because I was already weak.

    My mom died when I was 19. My father had died when I was 13. At an early age, I was already confused about who I was and how I felt about others.

    My confusion about “desire” and the fact that I noticed I was “attracted” to guys made me put myself into the “gay” category at age 14. At age 20, I came out as gay to everybody else around me.

    I was weak, too. I was seduced into heterosexuality at age 6, due to a little slut called Stephanie. She made me fall hard for her, the tramp.

    If only I was a believer and could call on Jebus to save me from my weakness! Instead, I’ve just had to deal with lustful heterosexuality as part of my identity and stop whining about it.

  11. oddjob

    But Brynn, from their point of view there’s nothing weird about that, for the Bible is replete with stories indicating the Creator takes exactly that much interest in us.

    Remember this?

    Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
    – Matthew 6:26 (New International Version)

    The Old Testament is even more that way.

  12. He’s not gay. Guys just keep giving him head.

  13. “He’s not gay. Guys just keep giving him head.”

    Bwahahahaha! My thought exactly.

  14. Constant Comment

    Gee, this guy reminds me of someone … ((cough, cough)) Ted Haggard ((cough, cough))

    What a difficult life that must be–constantly chafing under the smothering mantel of suppression. I wish for him that he can one day find peace with his true self.

  15. Read an open letter to Michael that addresses many of the points he makes in his essay…here:

    http://www.thoughttheater.com

  16. a growing relationship with God, thanks to … intestinal cramps

    Really? (heeheeheeha*snorgle*pfrwt) Was that the Cramp God, then?

    I must admit, on the rare occasions I’ve had a relationship with that God, I’ve always done my best to decrease it, not grow it. And it’s taken me this long to find out what I’ve missed….

    heeeheeeheeehahahaha*pfrmptr*heeheeheeHEEHEEHOHOHOHOHAHAHAHAHAHA

  17. Homosexuality came easy to me, because I was already weak.

    Well, homosexuality came easy to ME because I am one tough-minded son of a bitch!

    No one DARES tell me that I’m sick, or a sinner, or worthy of scorn.

    No fuckin’ way!

    In reality, homosexuality is DIFFICULT for this guy because he is weak-minded and has low self-esteem.

  18. Michael, honey … you don’t get to “give up” being gay. You’re either gay, or you not. Or you are bisexual.

    Little point to mention, if you have to guard against the lust generated in you by all the men around you: YOU’RE NOT STRAIGHT! Straight men don’t have to work at being straight (or at least not in the way you’re working at it), they aren’t policing themselves and punishing themselves when they slip up.

    Word of advice Michael honey, if you’re lusting after men: YOU’RE QUEER.

    Why is it always the queeniest flaming gay man the profess to be “ex-gay”? It’s like that advert for a “Dental Salon” here in Chicago where an actor comes on screen saying “my wife and I thought we couldn’t afford the cost of dental work, but then we went to the Dental Salon” … I mean, yeah, SURE sweetie, your “WIFE” … uh-huh, SURE, we believe you, that could TOTALLY be your “wife”. Not.

    Ex-gays would be sad and laughable if they weren’t so strong in pushing hate, intolerance and violence.

  19. The Old Testament is even more that way.

    Hey oddjob, it’s also filled with episodes of the vengeful god, who does a lot more than deliver intestinal cramps. 🙂

    My point is, in picking and choosing among their scriptures, the Christian Right has come up with a version of a friendly, “average Joe” type god, a projection to fill the real deficits in their everyday lives. No friends to talk to about your pain? Talk to Jesus! It’s a very different vision than the god that destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, brought on the flood, smote the Egyptians (among many others) and cast Adam and Eve out of Eden for one small, predictable act of disobedience. It’s also emblematic of a sort of maddening psychological schism in these folks, where they envision a loving, friendly Jesus who cures their cramps but who will then turn around and condemn them to eternal hell for following their natural instincts toward pleasure and love. In a word, it’s crazy.

  20. Bandarkat

    Fritz, I think you hit the nail right on the head: Homosexuality came easy to this guy because he was already weak? Motherfucker, who are you kidding?! Your new straight buddies may swallow your bullshit all hollow but you ain’t foolin’ ME or any other GLBT man or woman out there, buddy ruff! Am I really expected to believe that it took some gargantuan force of will for this guy to shoehorn himself into his sorry, pseudo-straight lifestyle or does it seem more likely that he just doesn’t have the stones to stand up for himself, his beliefs and how he feels and supinely submitted to what he perceived to be society’s expectations? Oh, to be a fly on the wall the first time this shiny new heterosexual goes muff-diving! We’ll see what kind of het street cred you have THEN, pal!
    Sarah in Chicago brings up some good points, too: if you’ve gotta work that hard to keep your lustful urges in check, you’re not straight. It’s only a matter of time before this miracle conversion collapses.
    I realize this is ranting, but this sort of thing REEEALLY pisses me off for another reason that Sarah outlined: namely, the damage this fool inflicts isn’t limited to himself alone. If he wants to spend the rest of his life walking around with his head screwed on backwards, fine. But what about the folks who are struggling to come out and deal with their homosexuality? What happens to them when they buy this clown’s BS and piss away years of their life trying to regain something they never had in the first place? Or this idiot’s prospective girlfriend/wife? Wonder how she’ll feel after years of marriage only to come home one night and find Mikey with a cock in his mouth? Not to mention the onus it places on the rest of us in the GLBT community to get out there and counter this odious bullshit. Like Sarah said, it’d be hilarious if the potential for widespread damage wasn’t so high. What a sorry, sorry man.

  21. Vyvee

    Its good to know that someone else also gets the intestinal cramps as i do… and its nice to know that it relates your sexual habits. However i believe the cramps happen when you suppress your desire of having sex.

    I have been trying to control my sex habits for quite many years now and i get cramps only when days pass without masturbation. and i am sure masturbation has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

    Moreover, I have always taken homosexuality as balance of nature … Nature is trying to balance itself through a right way of giving pleasure and controlling population at the same time.

    It does not matter you are a gay or straight what matters is with how much dignity you carry yourself in either of the relations.

    May god be with you….Take Care

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