Thou Shalt Not Honk

The Vatican has issued Ten Commandments for driving.

To keep motorists on the road to salvation, the Vatican on Tuesday issued ”Ten Commandments” that warn drivers against the sins of road rage.

The unusual document from the Vatican’s office for migrants and itinerant people also warned that automobiles can be ”an occasion of sin” — particularly when used to make a dangerous passing maneuver or when used by prostitutes and their clients.

And it suggested prayer might come in handy — performing the sign of the cross before starting off and saying the rosary along the way. The rosary was particularly well-suited to recitation by all in the car, it said, since its “rhythm and gentle repetition does not distract the driver’s attention.”

Here’s the Commandments of the Road:

1. You shall not kill.

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.

7. Support the families of accident victims.

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.

10. Feel responsible toward others.

I have a few suggestions of my own:

1. No talking on cell phones. Ever.

2. You paid for the turn signal. Use it. Then remember to turn it off.

3. The “fast lane” means more than 35 mph on an interstate highway.

4. Not everyone is a fan of 120db rap music that is loud enough to vibrate the moulding off the car next to you. Close your windows and deafen yourself. (My next career is to open a hearing-aid shop. I’ll make a fortune.)

5. Today’s cars are marvels of modern engineering. Therefore, if you make a right turn onto a side street at a speed in excess of 15 mph , it will not tip over.

6. Owning a 4×4 dual-wheel Ford F-350 Super Duty pickup truck with monster tires when you work as a CPA in Miami doesn’t mean you’re a stud. It means you have size issues. Likewise, putting a spoiler and a hood scoop on a Subaru is the equivalent of a teeenaged boy stuffing a sock in his pants.

7. When you’re stuck in traffic, the other line does not move faster. It just seems that way.

8. Applying make-up while driving is dangerous. And that goes for women, too.

9. Try being conscious while driving. It makes things easier.

10. Some people were just meant to take the bus.

Shakers, feel free to add your own.

Cross-posted from Bark Bark Woof Woof.

Advertisements

22 Comments

Filed under 06_bobby

22 responses to “Thou Shalt Not Honk

  1. I think you’ve covered it, especially with your nos. 1 and 8.

    And I’m all for making the roads safer which is why, while driving, I say the rosary into a mike through my sound system at 120db.

  2. Coopster

    …putting a spoiler and a hood scoop on a Subaru is the equivalent of a teeenaged boy stuffing a sock in his pants

    Actually, Subaru makes some pretty powerful vehicles with hood scoops standard (turbocharger). And yes, I do own one, although it’s a Forester SUV, not the WRX coupe. (I live in Colorado, and the turbo is the only way to have any power at higher altitudes.)

    Also, I have never stuffed a sock in my pants, although there was one incident involving a cucumber wrapped in aluminum foil…

  3. Arkades

    So does this mean we should rename Road Rage “Road Wrath” instead?

    I was under the impression that Wrath, Envy, Pride, etc. were Deadly Sins regardless of the setting, so I don’t really see the point in reminding people “you can sin in your car”. Yeah, you can sin lots of places. Point being…?

    As far as additional road-commandments go, I would add:

    * Maintain a safe following distance at all times; scrunching up behind the car ahead of you so that you can get where you’re going a whole 3 seconds faster is simply not worth the danger factor.

  4. DerelictDaughter11

    agreed – your version is much better 🙂

  5. AAAAAAahahahahahhahhaaaahahahaha!

    Love it!

    Why is it that when the Vatican puts out it’s “10 Commandments for driving” it sounds like it was written in 1607 AD? And why is it so impractical. Pray? Out loud? You might as well be on a cell phone, it’s just as distracting to the task of driving.

    (Unless you live in NYC, where we pray everytime we pull into traffic.)

    Your list, much better.

    CPA’s in Miami… classic.

  6. How about:

    “Thou shalt not commute with only one person in the damn car”

  7. Tailgating me as we approach a red light will not make it turn green any faster. You’re lucky I like my car and don’t want it smashed, or I’d slam on my brakes just to make you late for work. Get over yourself, if you wanna get somewhere faster, try leaving a little earlier.

  8. Conversely, waiting for a different shade of green isn’t cool, either. When it changes, moving off at a reasonable speed is expected.

  9. The actual document is here. The “Ten Commandments” are a small part of a section on road safety; there are also sections on prostitutes, street children, and homeless people. Prostitution is not discussed in the context of car use, but in terms of sex tourism and human trafficking.

  10. Honking at me when the black-on-white sign plainly says “No Right Turn On Red” or “Right Turn on Arrow Only” will not convince me to break the law for you. In fact, I’m apt to count to five before pulling away even after I get the green light.

    Conversely:

    Cut some slack to drivers with out-of-state plates who are finding their way through weird intersections or construction zones. They’re not from around here. Really.

  11. Lizard

    #11: Though road rage and aggressive driving are generally best avoided, if you have the opportunity to run the Popemobile off the road, do it. Ratzinger is a creep.

  12. SAP

    Corollary to #1: Thou shalt not text message whilst driving.

  13. Southern California rule: Thou shalt not try to eat tacos while driving. Burritos are only slightly more acceptable.

  14. Of course this as been big here in Spain. In their own perverse way of course. Like the news speaker on channel 5 tonight who was explaining all this with his slight ,”I’m about to take the piss out of somebody” smile and when he finished they cut to the “What does the man in the street think about this” bit which they do often here in Spain and guess who was the interviewee? A catholic priest that had just been done for driving while over the limit alcohol wise. Which was not a sin when he got caught according to the speaker as it was prior to the Papal Bull, (Or whatever they call this kind of shit nowdays.) but now was.

    Then they cut away to something else. The news with Pedro is sometimes quite amusing.

  15. We wrote our list, last night, at Ask The Blondes!

    1. Thou shall not drive a Hummer.
    2. Thou shall always wear your seatbelt.
    3. Do not allow your turn signal to keep blinking for 15 miles after you’ve changed lanes.
    4. Never leave your animals in the car without cracking a window. Even then, think twice.
    5. Never leave your kids in your car at the mall, the doctor’s office, or the parking lot of a casino.
    6. No matter how poor you are, do not buy $4 worth of gas in pennies.
    7. Don’t make a quick, left-hand turn at the intersection just as the light turns green and before the oncoming cars have a chance to hit the accelerator.
    8. Thou shall not drive while chewing on a toothpick. First of all, why are you chewing on a toothpick. That’s so unsanitary. Then what happens if you get in an accident and the airbag goes off? You could survive the accident but the toothpick could get lodged in the back of your throat and you could die. For reals. Don’t chew on a toothpick. You read it here first.
    9. Thou shall not violate the rules and hit me back when I yell SLUG BUG!!
    10. Do not drive and talk on the cell phone at the same time.

  16. Thou Shalt Obey the 3-Second Rule. Almost NOBODY I encounter on the roads these days even seems to KNOW about this rule (where you always allow a 3-second distance between yourself and the car in front of you, in case unexpected stuff happens and you need to brake), much less follows it.

  17. Mama Shakes

    I tried doing a Lutheran version of the road rules, but I could only get as far as #1. Be sure the aluminum wrap on the green bean casserole is very snug so that the sauce (made from 100% prime Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup) doesn’t slop over the edge on sudden stops. I’m just grateful that the Vatican has involved itself in such an important issue.

  18. Mama Shakes — Will you adopt me? I have the proper Lutheran upbringing. I will provide my confirmation certificate and everything.

    In proof, I think I might have Lutheran Rode Rule #2:

    If you are female, never be seen driving a car in which a male of driving age is present, unless this man has been certified by the Dorcas Society as an invalid in need of a quilt.

  19. Mama Shakes

    PD, now, by “proper Lutheran upbringing” do you mean that you can still recite–WITHOUT LOOKING–the meanings to most of the 10 Commandments AND the articles of the Creed? Obviously, that would be a requirement to the adoption. Just ask Melissa. For family occasions, we sit around and quiz each other over the Catecism (Luther’s Small one usually). Then we eat green bean casserole and red jello with little marshmallows, and watch Mike and Iain drive around the block while Melissa and I politely clap. Don’t tell me we Lutherans don’t know how to party. BTW, your second driving commandments is a definite. Now we just need eight more. Hmmm, how could “Thou shalt not sit any closer to the front than the fourth row unless absolutely necessary” apply to driving?

  20. Melissa McEwan

    Hmmm, how could “Thou shalt not sit any closer to the front than the fourth row unless absolutely necessary” apply to driving?

    How about “Thou shalt not pull within 50 feet of a red light if there are no cars to thine rear. What dost thou think thou art–more important than everyone else?”

  21. Mama Shakes

    I like it! There’s #3!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s