Also, TV Turns You Gay and Makes You Get Abortions

What can I say about Moustacheford Douchington III that either Spudsy or I haven’t already said? The guy is a total intellectual trainwreck, whose pop-psych observations about pop culture are so resoundingly fatuous and/or blatantly wrong that I’m consistently amazed he’s actually being serious and isn’t some flesh-and-blood Frankenstein’s monster pieced together from Onion columnists wrought to life by a mad scientist in a meth lab.

His most recent endeavor, Why TV Addiction Links to Liberalism, is so terrible, so fact-mangled, so deranged, so rife with stinking horseshit, that it’s almost beautiful in its grotesquery.

Relying on a study by the ridiculous Culture and Media Institute, whose sole purpose is to provide idiotic findings to Townhall columnists, Medved says:

Does heavy TV viewing push people toward more liberal opinions? Or is it the impact of pre-existing leftist attitudes that lead viewers to invest more of their lives on television?

Analysts may argue about causation, but there’s no real doubt about correlation: an important new study from the Culture and Media Institute shows that those who describe themselves as “heavy” TV viewers embrace distinctly liberal attitudes on a range of crucial issues, placing them well to the left of those who report “light” TV viewing.

Absolutely right. There is indeed no real doubt about correlation. Except here’s the problem about writing an entire article based on correlation after dismissing the relevance of causation: WHO GIVES A SHIT?! It’s totally meaningless! There’s absolutely no point whatsoever, aside from trying to give breath to the idea that heavy TV viewing and liberal opinions are inextricably linked. But correlation doesn’t de facto remotely imply a direct link. Evidently Medved never took Sociology 101 or only listened until he heard “There is a correlation between ice cream sales and murder” and spent the rest of the class—and his life—wondering Does ice cream cause murder or do murderers celebrate with ice cream? If he’d paid attention to this classic of correlation, this greatest hits of sociological gotchas, he’d have found out that the missing link is heat. As the temperature rises, so do ice cream sales and murders.

Nonetheless, I look forward to his next column, “Why Heavenly Hash Links to Homicide.”

Special props to Medved for completely flubbing (and profoundly misunderstanding) the opening line of Anna Karenina, which is Mr. Shakes’ favorite book and favorite opening line of all time, and also for this gem:

People who see themselves as alone in the world, with no network of spouses or fellow congregants, frequently turn to government as a source of support and comfort—just as they’d turn to television as a source of phony companionship. It makes sense that loneliness and helplessness and disconnection would breed both liberalism and heavy TV viewing; just as a vibrant family life, and communal participation, would produce less television and more conservative self-reliance.

How much wrongity-wrongness can he fit into two sentences? Yeeeeeeeessss, the archetypical “crazy loner” is both liberal and pro-government. Uh-huh. Like, say, Ted Kaczynski the Unabomber (anti-leftist anarchist) or Timothy McVeigh the Oklahoma City bomber (anti-government separatist and registered Republican)? Or, for example, any number of deeply misogynist, decidedly illiberal, and famously isolated and unsocial serial killers? Or the kids who take guns to school and shoot up their classmates? All of them were yelling “¡Che está con nosotros!” right? Yeah, it makes “perfect sense” disconnection would breed liberalism.

Helplessness is a whole matter unto itself; people can be helpless in numbers. (See: Katrina.) In fact, there are lot of helpless communities in America, either regionally or by virtue of identity or circumstance. But that inconvenient fact undermines the grand conservative meme of individual success and bootstraps and blah blah blah, so better to lump it in like just another character flaw to be despised by the brilliant vibrancy that is American Conservatism.

I really wish Michael Medved would change his name. I’m ashamed to share my initials with him.

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37 Comments

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37 responses to “Also, TV Turns You Gay and Makes You Get Abortions

  1. Where’s my abortion, dammit! I’ve watched enough TV in my life to have qualified for at least one. Or maybe I got being TS as a consolation prize.

    Also: While Moustacheford Douchington III is one of the most awesome names ever, it might be improved by the addition of a first initial (Moustacheford being his middle name). Say, W. Moustacheford Douchington III. Or K. Or something.

  2. Christ on a crutch — he’s citing these guys? Brent Bozell and Robert Knight?

    While apparently also taking a paycheck from them? Yeah, that sounds like what a real journalist would do…

  3. JoshWatermanMN

    TV gives you abortions? That brings an all new spin on the term, “On Demand”!

    (Note to self: put plastic down on chairs and carpet in the living room. I don’t want any splatters on the upholstery.)

  4. Oh, and, er, which party reveres a president whose last steady job before entering politics was hosting a TV Western show? And which party seems on the verge of picking an ’08 presidential nominee based on his weekly appearances on a hit TV series?

  5. Melissa McEwan

    TV gives you abortions? That brings an all new spin on the term, “On Demand”!

    LOL!!!

  6. JW

    K. Moustacheford Douchington III. Awesome. Great post on a complete loon, Melissa. You show his crazy hate/fear to be the laughable garbage that it is.

  7. Stand by for his next column: SNOW CAUSES WINTER!!

    I’ve had a mustache for 33 years, but now I’m seriously thinking about shaving it off.

  8. JoshWatermanMN

    so terrible, so fact-mangled, so deranged, so rife with stinking horseshit, that it’s almost beautiful in its grotesquery.

    Now that isn’t nice! Ad hom attacks are fun, but they won’t–

    Oh, you were talking about the article. I was just looking upon Medved’s corpselike visage and I thought . . . oh, never mind.

  9. Michael Medved is sexually insecure. Anything which might possibly open his mind could turn him gay, because he thinks he might be gay.

  10. I do have to give Moustacheford Douchington III this much credit (without actually having read his article)–I think television has done a good bit to advance gay rights over the last 30 years or so. The portrayal of gay characters on tv as something other than kiddy diddlers has made it so that my daughter’s generation is growing up with a healthier view of the ranges of human sexuality than I did. I think the same thing can be said about strong women characters doing a good bit for the perception of women as something other than June Cleaver. So in those very limited ways, some tv shows with strong role models have probably helped push viewers toward more liberal positions. Nothing happens in a vacuum, of course, and I wouldn’t want to give tv more credit than it deserves.

  11. I’ll take a shot at causation: Exposure to different viewpoints and different types of people is a leading cause of Liberalism.

  12. this particular jingle whore doesn’t really give a fuck whether you become addicted to watching TV, or what that will do to your politics as long as you watch the commercials. and remember, the best fucking TV show in the world is merely the truck that delivers the ads.

    watch the ads. listen to the jingles. buy shit.

  13. I really liked Medved’s work when he was every male porn star in the 1970s. Since then, not so much.

    –WKW

  14. Yeah, I was thinking there was something Tom o’ Finlandish about the ‘stache. Has any straight man worn that moustache since, say, 1985? There are men it works for, like big hard-muscled leather men in boots and leather coveralls and nothing else but smooth brown skin….

    Ahem. No, not thinking of anyone in specific there, not me.

  15. Arkades

    a vibrant family life, and communal participation, would produce less television and more conservative self-reliance.

    Yeah, ’cause there aren’t any couch potatoes keeping Fox News afloat, huh?

    It takes some chutzpah to argue that liberals are the ones who seek validation through the media, given the near-constant drone of rightwing garbage spewing forth from television and talk radio to reassure the authoritarians that they’re on the side of righteousness.

  16. Melissa, I give you credit for reading anything Medved has written (since it saves me the trouble) but you really must find a better way to spend you time.

    It’s hard to believe people as stupid as Medved are able to earn a paycheck.

  17. Melissa McEwan

    It’s hard to believe people as stupid as Medved are able to earn a paycheck.

    Meanwhile, I don’t make a dime.

    You might have a point about finding a better way to spend my time…

  18. Medved has been registering high on my gaydar for the past 20 years.

  19. Arkades

    Me too, Fritz. A lot of Medved’s anti-gay rants seem to be of the self-hating, protest-too-much sort. Though I’m sure he is so far up in denial that he has a forwarding address in Aswan.

  20. Pingback: Outside The Tent - Comments on Watching TV Makes People Gay

  21. Apparently, Moira, you get pregnant from activities other than TV watching. I intend to find out if that’s true or not as soon as I get through this DVD of the Simpsons.

  22. Ginger Yellow

    “People who see themselves as alone in the world, with no network of spouses…”

    So I guess Mormons don’t watch much TV.

  23. Apparently, Moira, you get pregnant from activities other than TV watching. I intend to find out if that’s true or not as soon as I get through this DVD of the Simpsons.

    Oh, surely not. What if I kiss someone while we’re watching TV. Would that work?

  24. Jamie

    OMFG — I am so sick of the argument that liberals are all family-hating, marriage rejecting, kid loathing loners. How many GOP candidates have been divorced? How many dem candidates? How many divorces under Rush Limbaughs belt vs say — Al Franken’s? How many kids does Ann Coulter have again?

    Can we kill this meme yet?

  25. Martin

    This guy has been a dishonest crackpot forever. As a proud owner of a used copy of his Hollywood v America, I have an abundant pool of crap to point to whenever someone tries to cite him as a serious source. The most obvious example, one he continues to use, is to conflate “hit” and “profitable” when talking about movies. As anyone who knows anything about the movie biz knows (and we know he knows), a movie can be a hit, and not be profitable, and can not be a hit (very few indie movies are “hits”) and still make money. Yet he will go on comparing indie films to tent-pole pictures to “prove” things like America wants fewer “R” rated movies. He’s a hopelessly dishonest hack. Which, in the right wing media world, appears to be a form of job security.

  26. Melissa McEwan

    He’s a hopelessly dishonest hack. Which, in the right wing media world, appears to be a form of job security.

    At Townhall, it’s a job requirement.

  27. Well, according to my parents I am queer because of how much I read on the subject in my early teens … (my reasons for reading so much on the topic seems to have escaped them). Maybe there is a liberal television equivalent.

    Course, this would also make Medved about as insane as my parents, so I guess that works too.

  28. Except here’s the problem about writing an entire article based on correlation after dismissing the relevance of causation: WHO GIVES A SHIT?! It’s totally meaningless!

    Especially since a majority of Americans watch TV, and a majority of Americans (after six years of Bush) espouse liberal views. It’s astoundingly difficult to make any generalizations based on correlation when you’re talking about a majority of the population.

  29. What a TWAT! I was a liberal before we ever had TV. How the fuck did that happen then? We got TV at home during my second year of collage, (I didn’t live at home by then.) so that my dear old Grandma could watch the Wresslin. She loved Gorgeous George. Didn’t turn me gay though. Now figure that out if you can.

  30. Clearly, Grumpy, you weren’t watching TV right. If you had been, you’d be queer like the rest of us.

    What, the majority of people aren’t queer? Well, shit. No wonder I can’t get a date. (For those of you who might point out that I’m a. married and b. not asking women on dates, I say pish. And tosh. And other snooty dismissive words. I flap my hand at you and your facts.)

  31. cayce

    Oh, and, er, which party reveres a president whose last steady job before entering politics was hosting a TV Western show? And which party seems on the verge of picking an ‘08 presidential nominee based on his weekly appearances on a hit TV series?

    You know, for all the endless hyping of the “Hollywood liberal” nonsense, virtually every entertainer elected to political office has been elected as a Republican — Reagan, of course, but also Schwarzenegger, Eastwood, Sonny Bono and Fred Grandy (who played Gopher on the Love Boat).

  32. To tell the truth I wasn’t watching TV at all back then. (Still don’t much.) Like any true red blooded Americun boy I was out trying to get my leg over. But seeing as how most of the girls of that time had a cast iron chastity belt riveted on at the age of 12 I did not have a great deal of success. And when I finally did it was with my best buddies wife who then proceded to tell him all about it without telling me she had done so. Result: he “Accidently” shot me in the back while we were taking target practise prior to a hunting trip. Didn’t realize it at the time but it sort of prepared me for my 6 years playing boy soldier later. Also got me out of town for good!

  33. i was a little kid

    in the 50’s watching a teeny black and white set, watching whatever was on and i grew up a straight woman, got married, had a kid, got a grandkid now.

    the only thing that really, REALLY fucked me up , was growing up believing that it was an ozzie and harriet world out there for everyone BUT me and my family! (i blame old white males for t.v’s portrayal of women doing housework in heels and pearls by the way!!!)

    this guy is just sooooo freaking self rightous and so full of crap!

  34. the ONLY decent thing medved ever wrote was “the golden turkey awards”

  35. McJohn

    Yeah, I liked Mikey a lot better when he was his brother Harry’s hired pen on the bad movie books and lied about it.

  36. jahf

    It’s hard to believe people as stupid as Medved are able to earn a paycheck.

    Not when you remember how many stupid people there are in ‘Murka who are in genuine agreement with the shit he spouts.

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