Start Checking for Oily Orange Spots Before You Sit Down in Public

‘Cause Alli’s flying off the shelves!

A commenter over at CBS News sums up the side effects quite efficiently:

‘Gas with oily discharge’??? Isn’t that also known as crapping your pants?

Why yes, yes it is. The Alli literature recommends that you bring a change of pants to work with you. For real. WHERE DO I GET SOME OF THAT?


Paul at Big Fat Blog also notes that the people buying Alli so far aren’t even fucking fat.

From the article he links to:

Wendy Reid, a 57-year-old Tallahassee, Fla., resident visiting Southern California, said she had no qualms about taking alli. “I’ve read about it completely,” said Reid, carrying her purchase out of the Rite Aid in Santa Monica.

Deeply tan from her daily regimen of tennis, she nonetheless has 15 extra pounds she says she gained since she hit menopause. She shrugged off the possibility of side effects. “I thought I would just deal with them,” Reid said. “So far it’s been proven safe.”

Tall and athletic, she said it’s not about what other people think of her frame. “My husband thinks I’m silly, everyone thinks I’m silly. But I want to be the skinny self I always was.”

There you have it, folks. Losing the “last 15 pounds” is a bigger priority than not crapping your pants.

Because, you know, being fat is unhealthy.

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39 Comments

Filed under 09_kate_harding

39 responses to “Start Checking for Oily Orange Spots Before You Sit Down in Public

  1. I for one will be glad to finally get rid of all that oily discharge built up inside me.

  2. “The Alli literature recommends that you bring a change of pants to work with you”

    OMFG!!!

  3. anangryoldbroad

    That’s just all sorts of wrong in a bubbling, cheesy wrong sauce. Which,if I was taking Alli, would make me shit myself. How delightful.

  4. Arkades

    I can see the ad campaign now:

    Friend 1: Say, you look great! Did you go on that new fat-blocking medication?

    Friend 2: Sure did, and I love it! It reduces the amount of fat you absorb from the food you eat. Studies have shown up to 50% greater weight loss!

    Friend 1: (excited) No shit?!?

    Friend 2: (suddenly embarrassed) Ummm… no promises there… (checks back of own pants for oily orange stains…)

  5. Kate Harding

    Arkades, I didn’t want to put this in a post, since it’s promoting another weight loss drug, but still… Enjoy.

  6. Because, you know, being fat is unhealthy.

    Apparently, not just physically.

    But yanno… making unhealthy choices to please a random group of people you don’t know… that’s good, right? That’s the sort of decision that a mentally stable person would make, right?

    *facepalm*

  7. Doktor Wankenstein

    I’ve seen the Alli commercials, and wondered what the blue cylinder in the box was for, but after reading the article, I think I’ve figured it out.

    It’s a plug.

  8. My dad always said that he would have struck gold in the weightloss industry if he could just figure a way to get people to shit more than they eat. Looks like someone beat him to it.

    Maybe these guys are secretly in business with Depends?

  9. How did a drug that makes you shit your pants ever get approved by the FDA in the first place? I don’t understand.

    And now people are willing to risk loss of bowel control for a few pounds extra weight loss? I doubly don’t understand.

  10. Kate Harding

    Lindsay, I wrote about that here last month.

    Everybody else, LOL and or *nodnod*, where applicable.

  11. Arkades

    Gak! I *thought* I was kidding. But they really went there.

    (I guess, as a competitor, they had little incentive *not* to go there…)

    Too funny.

  12. Kate, I just read what you wrote re: Lindsay’s link, which was exactly the point I wanted to make when I read Lindsay’s link. Plenty of people who are obese are not overeaters I work with a woman who is about 6 feet tall and weighs well over 400 lbs, she is a vegetarian and eats very little. Also, plenty of compulsive overeaters aren’t obese.

    I’m a compulsive overeater, and I definitely think it could use some medical attention. Currently, it’s just been suggested to me that Overeaters Anonymous would be helpful, but I tried OA and it made me feel so depressed and hopeless that I felt like I needed a hot fudge sundae to help me recover from the meeting.

  13. Kate – ah, i don’t think i’d started reading your blog at that point.

  14. Doktor Wankenstein

    BTW — living without a gallbladder (fortunately, I still have mine) can and will give you the same effect, depending on what you eat.

  15. Kate Harding

    Doctor Wankenstein, probably not quite the same effect. This actually goes beyond merely crapping your pants. As a friend of mine who took Xenical (the old name for Alli) put it, it really is more like “leaking your pants.” No warning, it just slips out. That’s A.

    More importantly, B) what leaks out is reportedly orange and oily, and stains whatever it comes in contact with permanently. (Hence headline.) Even bleach will apparently not take out the stain or the smell. Ever.

    Maybe that IS the same as living without a gallbladder, actually, but man, I hope not.

  16. Meowser

    You might want to try different OA meetings, Maurinsky, but I think it’s true that in many of them, participants have “sticking to a restrictive diet” confused with “not bingeing.” Of course, the former makes it more likely than the latter will take place, but since most people go in there with weight loss specifically in mind, it’s hard to convince them of that.

    You could also find out if there are Overcoming Overeating groups in your area (the program is based on the Munter/Hirschmann book of that name); the OO approach is, in my experience, much more weight neutral than most OA meetings.

  17. Kate Harding

    My sister’s a big fan of OA, but, um, I’m not sure I am. My main problem is that they try to carry the “abstinence” concept over, by saying you shouldn’t ever eat certain “trigger foods.” To me, that sounds like a recipe for remaining food-obsessed and feeling deprived for the rest of your life.

    Now, having said that, I can’t pretend I have any clue about what makes someone compulsively overeat, so maybe that IS helpful or even necessary. I mean, I have no trouble drinking in moderation, so I can’t understand what it’s like to be an alcoholic, either. If the 12 steps help, more power to you. But in general, I believe restrictive diets are asking for trouble.

  18. mackenzie

    not having a gallbladder does make you more vulnerable to gastrointestinal distress if you eat high-fat foods, but it most certainly does not cause you to leak oily orange discharge.
    gallbladder problems that lead to its removal are also commonly a result of a diet too rich in olive oil, from what i understand. my family is greek and there’s a lot of missing gallbladders.

  19. I still remember the first time I saw an ad for some drug (don’t remember the drug–just the ad) where one of the side effects was “flatulence with substance.” Now, I realize that’s slightly different from the orange oily discharge, but if that was enough to make me not want to use whatever drug was being advertised, there’s no way in hell I’m using this.

    It does open up horrendous possibilities for practical joking, however.

  20. To the many euphemisms for ‘shit’ we can now add ‘feedback.’

  21. MrMtyzptlk

    Remember those potato chips that came out about 10-15 years ago? I forget the name of them, but they were supposed to be better for you than chips fried in fat. They tasted great but had the same effect. One serving was enough for me to never get them again. (Was it called ‘Olesta’?)

  22. Ivory Bill Woodpecker

    I believe I’ll just keep my spare tire, thanx anyway. 😀

  23. Ivory Bill Woodpecker

    Matt Taibbi needs to take some of this Alli stuff, because his article cited on this site earlier today indicates that he is truly full of shit. 😀

  24. ArchTeryx

    Wow. A drug that exactly simulates what I go through all too routinely with ulcerative colitis!

    I’m gonna run right out and beg my doctor for a prescription to THAT one. In the meantime, I’ll *keep* the extra 20 pounds!

  25. Mama Shakes

    Man! Sign me up for a year’s supply of Alli and Depends! Yowser!

  26. Bruce from Missouri

    What the Poop?!?

  27. Marc

    Someone beat me to mentioning Olestra, the fake fat which had the ultimate in warning labels:

    “May Cause Anal Leakage”

    That label kept me from ever trying ANYTHING with Olestra in it. I think sales were so bad they had to take it off the market.

  28. Kate Harding

    Marc, I thought Olestra was off the market, but the other day, my boyfriend bought some chips with Olestra (by accident). As soon as he realized what they were, he stopped eating and chucked them, because he prefers not to crap his pants. I cannot believe that shit still exists.

    (Ah, just checked out The Wik. Turns out in 2003, the FDA removed the requirement that they include the crap-your-pants warning, so they relaunched it. God bless America.)

  29. Kate Harding

    Man! Sign me up for a year’s supply of Alli and Depends! Yowser!

    Mama Shakes, I’m thinking if anything ever called for the phrase “What the poop?” this would be it.

  30. gallbladder problems that lead to its removal are also commonly a result of a diet too rich in olive oil, from what i understand

    Can’t be true for if it were there wouldn’t be a gallbladder left in Spain. They swim in the stuff. (Loverly)

  31. spamalot

    why, just think of all the new entries to
    http://www.ratemypoo.com

    So many candid photos of pants turned half inside out splayed out across a desk…

    OMFG

  32. Marc

    Kate, according to the same article, the anal leakage thing (and alas, it’s health benefits) were highly overrated. It seems as though it does not appreciably increase bowel frequency.

    Potato chips aren’t really all that good for you, so I figure when indulging, go all the way. I prefer kettle-cooked Maui style Onion, myself.

  33. Kate Harding

    Marc, my position is, I don’t really care if the risk is overrated. I want a 100% guarantee of no anal leakage from my food, and they still apparently can’t give me that.

    But I’m with you on the kettle-cooked chips. As the article also said, the same thing happens with Olestra that happens with all “diet” products — people compensate for the lack of the good stuff by eating more. So you end up eating a lot of something crappy instead of a reasonable portion of something that actually tastes good. I know which one I’d choose.

  34. Bandarkat

    Love it! I love it! The Alli kits have started flying off the shelves at the pharmacy at which I work. I can also tell you with a high degree of certainty that the majority of these folks, while well-intentioned, will not engage in a minute’s worth of exercise or alter their diet significantly. I cannot WAIT for these deluded souls to come storming into my pharmacy in the next 3 to 4 weeks to regale me with their sad tales of shitting themselves uncontrollably. And as I understand it, these will be no ordinary BMs, they will be the “Fat Man” and “Little Boy” of BMs and they will reek like nobody’s business. Not exactly what I’d consider “positive reinforcement”. I predict that this product will enjoy an initial explosion (no pun intended) of sales then rapidly decline once ppl start realizing the price to be paid for their “miracle weight-loss pill”. And as far as the FDA is concerned, all parties responsible for allowing this product to come to market should be lined up and shot. The FDA may have been a benevolent, responsible guardian of the public health at one time but believe me when I tell you: these ppl do NOT have your best interests at heart. Caveat emptor!

  35. mustelid

    Wow. It’s medically-sanctioned bulimia. Again (Olestra and colonics came first). Damn, now my mind’s insisting on combining all three things…going to scrub my brain now.

  36. Kate Harding

    I predict that this product will enjoy an initial explosion (no pun intended) of sales then rapidly decline once ppl start realizing the price to be paid for their “miracle weight-loss pill”.

    Especially since the miracle weight loss pill doesn’t work if you don’t go on a traditional weight loss diet anyway, and it only makes you lose, on average, 3-5 lbs. more than you would on a traditional weight loss diet alone. Gee, crapping myself is totally worth that.

  37. Well, all I can tell you is that I once bought a bag of sugar-free Reese’s peanut butter cups to eat at the movies.

    I ate 3 of them and threw the rest of the bag away.

    All I’m gonna say is I’m glad I had a paper grocery bag in the car.

    That was quite enough experience with any kind of “leakage”, thank you very much.

    By the way, another problem with “fat blockers” is they block ALL fat — including good fats from olive oil, nuts, salmon, etc. — the kind that raises your HDL cholesterol, which cleans out the LDL.

    Just sayin’.

  38. I hate to admit this, but, as a person without a gallbladder, I have to say that the symptom of the orange, oily, awful smelling discharge is something I experienced during a gallbladder attack. Basically, because my gallbladder had stones and wasn’t releasing bile, I wasn’t digesting fat at times.

    Now that the damn thing’s OUT, however, there is a constant trickle of bile to digest the fat. I can’t eat a lot of fried stuff in a short period of time, but I don’t think my stomach would stand for that anyway. I’ve never had the aforementioned symptoms since the removal of my gallbladder, thank goodness.

  39. Anne

    I still remember the first time I saw an ad for some drug (don’t remember the drug–just the ad) where one of the side effects was “flatulence with substance.”

    Hahaha, my first thought was Crow from MST3K asking during some movie, “Do farts have lumps?”

    That Olestra stuff — Keep. Away. Seriously.

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