“God Is My Diet”

Oh, for the love of FSM. Forget everything I said earlier. Turns out I’m just fat because I don’t love Jesus enough.

“Some dieticians question the soundness of this method.” Um, yeah. So do some theologians, I bet.

Thanks to Michael K. at dlisted for opening my eyes.

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25 Comments

Filed under 09_kate_harding

25 responses to ““God Is My Diet”

  1. Something about this reminds me of the late 80s Sally Field/Phil Hartman sketch where she’s praying for everything, including that the dishwasher detergent leaves her glasses spotless. Hartman comes in as Jesus and, after some gentle prodding fails, basically tells her to STFU.

    We’re not a bright country.

  2. Melissa McEwan

    As I said to you already in email, my favorite part is when she’s talking about getting “a couple bites” out of one French fry. Who needs to eat healthy when you can just pray to Jebus to help you get a couple bites out of EVERY FRENCH FRY?!

    That reminds me of a former client with whom I worked who owned a couple of McDonald’s franchises. He was skinny as a rail, but he ate nothing but his own product, and his cholesterol was over 300. Literally the most perfect example of how being thin does not automatically equal being healthy that I have ever met.

    Btw, do you think French fries are on the menu in What Would Jesus Eat?

  3. Kate Harding

    Btw, do you think French fries are on the menu in What Would Jesus Eat?

    Oh, for fuck’s sake. You know, a lot of medieval mystics supposedly survived for long periods of time on the eucharist alone. Maybe that should be my next diet.

    And if I pray really hard, I bet I can get TWO BITES out of a wafer!

  4. Kate Harding

    We’re not a bright country.

    Totally made me lol.

  5. puellasolis

    I’ll bow down to a pan of brownies any day. In fact, I wouldn’t mind having some to bow down to right now.

  6. And people wonder why we atheists mock this type of religious person so roundly.

  7. shen

    “Oh, for fuck’s sake. You know, a lot of medieval mystics supposedly survived for long periods of time on the eucharist alone. Maybe that should be my next diet.”

    oh sure, if ritual cannibalism is your thing….

    be sure and use a big cup, if you are drunk, it is easier to believe. 😉

  8. Oh, for fuck’s sake. You know, a lot of medieval mystics supposedly survived for long periods of time on the eucharist alone. Maybe that should be my next diet.

    Stone ground wheat wafers and wine. If you eat enough of Jesus’ body, it’s better than some diets out there.

    Eh, it’s been ages, so I don’t remember which book of mine I read this in, but I saw a story of a woman who was going to lead a Bible study and on the way noticed a nick in her car’s windshield. She pulled over, placed her hand on the nick and prayed to Jesus that he would “heal” her windshield. When she lifted her hand, the windshield was repaired!

    This anecdote became the central point of her lesson, that Jesus would listen and answer their prayers. The Bible Study was at a prison, for inmates.

    On the other hand, I know a missionary dude in Ecuador who was kidnapped for ransom; my wife worked for the denominational headquarters at the time and, along with her boss, handled the situation – did you know that there are consultants who handle missionary kidnapping situations? Anyway, Don told me that he prayed constantly during his captivity, that he would be released, of course, but mainly that he would have courage, peace of mind and would show his captors love and compassion.

    I’m not going to tell God what prayers he should answer, but I know which ones I’d rather he pay attention to.

  9. CJ_in_VA

    As someone who often turns to food in times of stress and discomfort, I could see how some people might welcome the opportunity to turn to something other than food for comfort. But just to be the devil’s advocate: is this really very different from what groups like OA espouse? (OA is not as Jesus centric, but, if you don’t have a Higher Power it’s kind of hard to get the OA program.)

    But my very first reaction was: I guess trading one obsession for another works for some people. 🙂

  10. Everyone is religious. You know, they just don’t know they are.

    Oddly enough, no.

  11. Groups like this – or similar groups – have been around for 30+ years. I remember seeing a faith-based cookbook based on the “Jesus Diet” published in the early 80s. On the one hand, these types of groups and/or diets make me squirm – both because they are diets but also because they are Jesus-based. But on the other hand, I am glad it works for them. Now just stop evangelizing, dammit!

  12. Pingback: American Diet » Blog Archive » “God Is My Diet”

  13. mamajane

    Praise the lord and pass the grits, as my late Nana used to say…

    A couple of years ago a friend of mine joined an xtian diet plan, called the Prism diet. Several local churches had set up Prism groups, kind of like a Weight Watchers for Jesus freaks. The diet was apparently rather harsh, focused on “whole” foods that may have been somewhat similar to the WWJE diet. Most of them became cranky REAL fast, started calling it the Prison diet, the program did not survive long.

    I find this all very ironic, having grown up in the Southern Baptist church, where each and every event centered around food, food, and more food, but they called it “fellowship”, so it didn’t really count, right?!

  14. Mmmmmmmm. Tasty god. Jeebus should be a part of every nutritious and delicious diet. *droool*

  15. Kate, it’s obvious that you love the FSM too much. Partaking of His noodly appendages has caused your fatness! 😉

  16. Meowser

    Does chocolate Jesus count?

  17. Marc

    I note the women all changed to more flattering hairstyles from their ‘before’ pictures, which did more to improve their appearance, IMO, than any weight loss.

  18. Kate Harding

    Partaking of His noodly appendages has caused your fatness!

    Goddamned carbs.

  19. Indy

    I just did a spit take while watching that: what’s with the gregorian chanting? The women bow their heads, and suddenly, it’s one of those chant CDs that was so big around 1990 in the background.

    //sucky tasteless editors.

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  21. Eucharist: Hemp sourdough, basically.

  22. Those wafers are bread of affliction, not eucharist.

  23. Um, yeah. So do some theologians, I bet.

    This sounded like a challenge, so I took you up on it. 🙂 Here’s my response: HAES is good theology.

  24. Pingback: Even the Devils Believe » Blog Archive » HAES is good theology

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