WASHINGTON — Taking the next logical step in combating terrorism, the FBI announced that every man woman and child in the United States and abroad will now be included on its Terror Watch List.
“Once the list hit more than a half-million people, we realized how ineffective it was,” said an anonymous FBI official. “More than that, however, it made us realize that everyone we either wiretapped or spied on was some type of terrorist in his or her own right. Now that we’ve upped the list to more than six billion, we’ve got the terrorists right where we want them.”
The move comes immediately after ABC News unveiled the fact that the FBI’s Terror Watch List had ballooned to more than 500,000 names, leading privacy-rights group to cry foul.
“If we have 509,000 names on that list, the watch list is virtually useless,” said ACLU senior legislative counsel Tim Sparapani. “When the watch list grows to this level, it’s useless as an anti-terror tool.”
A spokesman for the interagency National Counterterrorism Center (NCTC), which maintains the government’s list of all suspected terrorists with links to international organizations, said they had 465,000 names covering 350,000 individuals.
In addition to the NCTC list, the FBI keeps a list of U.S. persons who are believed to be domestic terrorists — abortion clinic bombers, for example, or firebombing environmental extremists, or liberal bloggers, who have no known tie to an international terrorist group.
By expanding the list from 509,000 to 6,602,224,175, the FBI now can focus on preventing terrorism everywhere, all the time, said the FBI official. Nonetheless, many are wondering why they’re now considered suspects.
“I’m nawt a tewwowist,” said 5-year-old Becky Hansen, who then tearfully ran away to seek comfort from her “mommy,” who is now also on the Terror Watch List. Both are currently being held for further questioning.
The White House, however, has applauded the move.
“Our statistics show that there is a 98 percent chance that a person will be brutally murdered by Jihading terrorists, or by radical left-wing bloggers,” said White Hose Spokesperson Tony Snow. “On the flip side of that, there’s a 97 percent chance that a person will commit, or conspire to commit a terrorist act. In the end, it’s only a difference of one percent, so we may as well just watch everyone, all the time.”