An except from the personal journal of President George W. Bush
Dear Dairy: Just got back from an awesome trip to Europea. I keep hearing how those Europeovians don’t like me, but I had a heckuva time there!
In Heiligendamm, I cracked my famous “Three Chinamen”
joke. Angela Merkel—I call her Angela—and Vladimir Putin—I
call him Vladimir—thought it was hilarious!
Chinese President Hu Jintao didn’t.
He’s got no sense of humor.
That’s pretty much all I remember from the G8, but
there was lots more to my Europeovian vacation!
In Polandia, I met a hobbit named Lech Kaczynski.
And I totally goosed him!
Ha ha! I love being the prankster president!
After Polandia, we went to Rome, whose capital is Italy. Italian Prime
Minister Romano Prodi and I played “grab the sausage.” It was fun!
After that, we were supposed to give a press conference together,
but I got all the journalisimos (that’s what they call ’em in Rome) laughing
by pretending it was a “Funny Face Seminar.”
I could have gone on forever, but eventually Laura came and
whispered in my ear that it was “grown-up time.” She’s such a
killjoy. With all the scowling, it’s no wonder her face is so tight.
After leaving Italy, Rome, we went to a place called Vicodin City, where
I got to meet this guy called Bendadick. Ha ha. Bendadick! Funny name.
I thought he was playing dress-up, so I put on my funny joke glasses.
But turns out Vicodinians dress that way all the time or something.
In any case, Tightface made me take off my glasses and “be serious.”
I told him the “Three Chinamen” joke. He liked it.
Said he couldn’t do anything for that dern bald spot, though. Although,
between you and me, Dairy, I’m not sure he really looked at it.
When Laura went to talk to Bendadick Sillypants, she put on a headscarf.
I told her she looked like Nancy Pelosi! She got mad.
Ha! Take that, Tightface!
After Vicodin City, we went to Albania, where they love me, they
really love me. Albania President Alfred Moisiu—I call him Alfred
Moisiu—gave me a cool trinket called “the Order of the National Flag
Award.” I tried to trade it for beer later, but Tightface caught me.
The Albanians were kinda grabby.
Finally, we went to Bulgaria. I had to do another press conference—
I hate those!—and some of the questions were really hard.
I didn’t know what to say, so I just did the robot dance.
Everyone cracked up! That always gets me out of a tight spot!
After that, we visited the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier in Sofia. I got
bored and started singing “Stop! in the Name of Love.” It didn’t really
catch on with the crowd, though. Afterwards I realized they’re probably
too poor to afford music in those countries. Sucks to be them!
Later, I signed some autographs. I signed some of them “Emperor
Biggus Dickus.” Ha ha! It doesn’t matter. They don’t speak English.
Well, that’s all for now, Dairy! I’m gonna go for a swim and maybe
a bike ride, and then Tightface said we had to have “a talk.” Ugh.
I’ll fill you in later! Bye 4 now!