The Adventures of Georgie: Helloooo, Europea! Edition

An except from the personal journal of President George W. Bush

Dear Dairy: Just got back from an awesome trip to Europea. I keep hearing how those Europeovians don’t like me, but I had a heckuva time there!

In Heiligendamm, I cracked my famous “Three Chinamen”
joke. Angela Merkel—I call her Angela—and Vladimir Putin—I
call him Vladimir—thought it was hilarious!

Chinese President Hu Jintao didn’t.

He’s got no sense of humor.

That’s pretty much all I remember from the G8, but
there was lots more to my Europeovian vacation!

In Polandia, I met a hobbit named Lech Kaczynski.

And I totally goosed him!

Ha ha! I love being the prankster president!

After Polandia, we went to Rome, whose capital is Italy. Italian Prime
Minister Romano Prodi and I played “grab the sausage.” It was fun!

After that, we were supposed to give a press conference together,
but I got all the journalisimos (that’s what they call ’em in Rome) laughing
by pretending it was a “Funny Face Seminar.”

I could have gone on forever, but eventually Laura came and
whispered in my ear that it was “grown-up time.” She’s such a
killjoy. With all the scowling, it’s no wonder her face is so tight.

After leaving Italy, Rome, we went to a place called Vicodin City, where
I got to meet this guy called Bendadick. Ha ha. Bendadick! Funny name.
I thought he was playing dress-up, so I put on my funny joke glasses.

But turns out Vicodinians dress that way all the time or something.
In any case, Tightface made me take off my glasses and “be serious.”
I told him the “Three Chinamen” joke. He liked it.

Said he couldn’t do anything for that dern bald spot, though. Although,
between you and me, Dairy, I’m not sure he really looked at it.

When Laura went to talk to Bendadick Sillypants, she put on a headscarf.

I told her she looked like Nancy Pelosi! She got mad.
Ha! Take that, Tightface!

After Vicodin City, we went to Albania, where they love me, they
really love me. Albania President Alfred Moisiu—I call him Alfred
Moisiu—gave me a cool trinket called “the Order of the National Flag
Award.” I tried to trade it for beer later, but Tightface caught me.

The Albanians were kinda grabby.

Finally, we went to Bulgaria. I had to do another press conference—
I hate those!—and some of the questions were really hard.

I didn’t know what to say, so I just did the robot dance.

Everyone cracked up! That always gets me out of a tight spot!

After that, we visited the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier in Sofia. I got
bored and started singing “Stop! in the Name of Love.” It didn’t really
catch on with the crowd, though. Afterwards I realized they’re probably
too poor to afford music in those countries. Sucks to be them!

Later, I signed some autographs. I signed some of them “Emperor
Biggus Dickus.” Ha ha! It doesn’t matter. They don’t speak English.

Well, that’s all for now, Dairy! I’m gonna go for a swim and maybe
a bike ride, and then Tightface said we had to have “a talk.” Ugh.
I’ll fill you in later! Bye 4 now!

George

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15 Comments

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15 responses to “The Adventures of Georgie: Helloooo, Europea! Edition

  1. How could he leave out his stomach ailment? That must have left an impression on him.

  2. Jeff

    P.S.

    I almost fergot the part about gettin’ totally BAKED on German beer. I mean a real bender that reminded me of the old Skull and Bones days. I woke up huggin one’a them bee-day thingies in the hotel bathroom. I hate those bee-days. It was the first time I used one. I just finished tossin’ the remnants of my pork sammich in the bowl (That’s another fun story…Angela let me carve the pig), and when I flushed, the sumbitch squirted me right in the eye.

    Well, I hafeta say it wasn’t a total loss. I got to skip all those boring meetings and stay in bed all day watchin’ “Leave it to Beaver” in Germanian, and Condi bought me flat coke and soda crakers all day. That Leave it to Beaver is CLASSIC….”Guten Tag, Frau Cleaver. Ist Wallace und Theodore Heim?” I just love that Eddie Haskill…he reminds me alot of myself. heh, heh, heh.

  3. SAP

    Yikes.

    Are we sure that Albania couldn’t have kept him for a while longer? Like, say, another three or four years?

  4. Headline:

    Albanians rejoice and welcome Bush, thanking him for not liberating their country as well.

    Thank you, great American dictator! Thank you!

  5. Actually, this should read “Angela Merkel—I call her Angela—and Vladimir Putin—I call him Pootie-Poot—thought it was hilarious!”

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_nicknames_used_by_George_W._Bush
    I wish I was kidding.

  6. Alas, I fear that this is not the Deciderer’s actual diary, for it doth correctly spell Heiligendamm.

    Now, if it had instead used “Highly G’damn”or “Hi, leg o’ dam” I might have accepted it….

    😆

  7. MAJeff

    After leaving Italy, Rome, we went to a place called Vicodin City,

    Ticket for one, please!

  8. MAJeff

    Good to see he didn’t manhandle Merkel again. I’m sure the aids were all like, “Don’t touch the German lady!”

  9. That has to be one of the funniest pieces you’ve done. I loved it.

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  11. Em

    Thank you; this made my day.

  12. I tried to trade it for beer later, but Tightface caught me.

    Classic.

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  15. Dammit Melissa, you got me wakin’ up the neighbors again, what with the snortin’ an’ guffaws and such. That’s a real gem of Pink Petulance Proportion!

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