When You Make a Deal with the Devil, It’s Devilry You Want

Not a rueful demon contemplating a career change and sniffing disinterestedly at your party favors:

Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee said yesterday that Christian conservatives will become “irrelevant” to the political process if they give up their core convictions for expediency’s sake.

“Christian conservatives are on the brink of becoming irrelevant in this election cycle if they do not remain active because they really believe something about their faith that drives them into the political arena,” he said… “If they say those issues are not as important this time; if they say the real issues are taxes or national security, then frankly, they are just another Republican special interest group.”

In other words, “Listen, you bitchez—I’ve been spewing hatred for Teh Gays and Uppity Womenzfolk from here to Timbuktu because that’s what we all agreed being a conservative Christian was all about. If you change your minds now and start talking about taxes and national security and shit, I’m going to look like a fucking idiot, so less of the crazytalk and more faith-based hating!”

Mr. Huckabee, who barely registers in national polls, is hoping that the Republican Party’s evangelical base is unhappy with the current leaders in the race and that there might be room for a traditional-values candidate. Not only does he oppose abortion and same-sex “marriage,” he also believes creationism should be taught in schools alongside evolution.

Yep, he’s a genuine 30-percenter, all right. Or, at least he’s real good at pretending to be one. So good, in fact, that now he’s got nowhere to go if conservative Christians aren’t going to hold up their end of the wicked bargain they struck with the GOP.

The problem with Huckabee, and the other faith-based hate candidates like Brownback, is that they’re the last guys to leave a party, the ones you’ve got to throw out, because they don’t realize the party is over, no matter how many times you yawn or note how late it is or mention you’ve got to get up early tomorrow. Their base—their “good” Christian, faith-based hater base—always was just another Republican special interest group.

Always has been, always will be.

And like any other Republican special interest group, the faith-based haters are hardcore party freaks. The GOP inherited peace and prosperity and a budget surplus from the Clinton administration, and they thought, “Let’s throw us a party!”

So they did. They threw a massive, bacchanalian orgy of tax cuts and pork barrel spending and a huge war (complete with shock and awe, mofos!), and the revelry raged on for more than half a decade until every conservative wet dream had been realized, and Grover Norquist slumped in a wine-stained bathtub and said, “I’m fucking wrecked,” and didn’t even care that the government was bigger than ever nor that the impression of the drain on his own chubby ass cheek was an ironic metaphorical mindfuck of mythic proportions.

And the Christian conservatives, well, they partied right along, pumping their fists in the air along to the beat and calling for the heads of the gays and the uppity womenfolk, because it’s all just so much goddamned fun when you’re stuffing your face with free food and booze at the party to end all parties.

But then the food starts to run out. And the booze. And people are getting sick and the sunlight’s coming in the windows and you notice that the place is a disgusting wreck and someone’s been raped in a room upstairs and the cops have been called.

Fuck. Party’s really over. And if you’re lucky, your coat and your bag might have been puked on, so they didn’t get stolen.

The Democrats are called in to clean up the mess, and they show up with their brooms and their gloves and they grumble these people ate all their Halloween candy in one sitting, I bet, then bullied abstemious kids for theirs.

And as the cleaner-uppers stream in, and the partygoers stream out, Huckabee and Brownback et. al. stand inside the front door, asking, “Where’s everybody going? Come on, you guys—the night is young! I’ve got half a bottle of champagne left!” Everyone wandering past them, heading for home, gives them a look of disdain, because they are too foolish to know the party is over.

The contemptuous lot hold their heads and blink at the cold light of day, grimacing with their mouths of cotton and swearing they’ll never drink again, dude.

But they will. Just as soon as someone else gets the place cleaned up again.

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21 Comments

Filed under 01_shakespeares_sister

21 responses to “When You Make a Deal with the Devil, It’s Devilry You Want

  1. a massive, bacchanalian orgy of tax cuts and pork barrel spending

    …a la The Secret History, except without all the education and sexiness.

  2. Melissa McEwan

    …a la The Secret History, except without all the education and sexiness.

    Yeah. And sans my drooling love, too.

  3. If we ever get together in the Vermont forest and do the characters from that book, I call Henry.

  4. a massive, bacchanalian orgy of tax cuts and pork barrel spending and a huge war

    That sounds like the last six years, without the coordinated undermining of every government agency.

  5. Ya NAILED that one Sis!

  6. I like the Norquist paragraph the best. Really, every time the GOP gets power they just raid the treasury. They put all their energy into selling an image, but they’re not strong on national security, or fiscal management… or really anything, actually.

  7. Melissa McEwan

    Really, every time the GOP gets power they just raid the treasury.

    Exactly.

  8. a massive, bacchanalian orgy…

    Man, I miss my days in the Theater Department at…. ummm… aahh…. 😀

    Excellent post, Mellisa!

  9. Excellent. This is why I read your blog.

  10. Jeff

    Lucifer a NEOCON? Heavens no….even the Prince of Darkness has standards.

  11. I would only caution all of us to remember that at this point in the 2004 elections, Howard Dean was at 2% and Joe Lieberman was leading the pack. We’re way early in this thing, and lots of people aren’t paying attention yet. I’m not saying that either Brownback or Huckabee are going to make some noise, but don’t count them out yet either.

  12. Paen

    I wonder what Lincoln would think about what these flat Earthers have done to his party.Personaly I don’t not think Abe would be impressed.

  13. Doktor Wankenstein

    But then the food starts to run out. And the booze. And people are getting sick and the sunlight’s coming in the windows and you notice that the place is a disgusting wreck and someone’s been raped in a room upstairs and the cops have been called.

    Fuck. Party’s really over. And if you’re lucky, your coat and your bag might have been puked on, so they didn’t get stolen.

    Heehee.

    This was kinda like reading The Rude Pundit, but without the gratuitous buttsex references.

    I always knew ya was a class act, Shakes. 🙂

  14. …a la The Secret History, except without all the education and sexiness.

    That’s why I love you Tart.

  15. That’s why I love you Tart.

    Sweet!

  16. Oops! I don’t know who this “Mellisa” person is – I guess I was still in ‘Remembrance Land’. I try again:

    Excellent post, Melissa!!!

  17. Arkades

    Awesome imagery, Liss.

    Huckabee is perhaps the scariest of the hard-right conservative candidates simply because he seems so freaking sincere about all of it. The others have at the whiff of pandering and sanctimony, but Huckabee actually seems to think that this stuff he’s pushing is good.

    Plus, in addition to the usual GOP flavors of religious privilege, misogyny, and homophobia, Huckabee also happens to be an ex-chubby anti-obesity crusader.

    Which means when the right gets tired of flogging women, gays, immigrants, and other minorities… they can start (continue?) picking on fatties instead! Now, won’t that be fun?

  18. Kate217

    And do you know who’s worse than the gays and wimmenz? The fatteez! They’re responsible for gas prices dontchaknow, cause their fat assez use more gas than a Repuglican’s Humvee.

    Now that he’s lost a ton of weight, he’s become a zealot, and we all know that there’s nothing so virtuous as a converted whore.

  19. Huckabee Fuckabee, what about Fred Thompson? He’s got all the ‘Merican appeal of a bad actor (like Reagan), the street cred’ of a TV DA and a snappy young wife. And he recently espoused pre-emptively bombing Iran.

    Now that’s scary!

  20. Ivory Bill Woodpecker

    This is why, for all their thousand and one imperfections, I vote for the Democrats. The media weasels like to talk about the Democratic Party being “the Mommy party” while the GOP is “the Daddy party”. Bullshit! The Democratic Party is the Mommy AND Daddy party, that is, the RESPONSIBLE ADULT party, while the GOP is the WORTHLESS DRUNKEN ASSHOLE FRAT RAT party. [I hesitate to call the GOP the Republican Party any longer, because the members of its dominant faction have indicated that they think the president should be a king, so they want a monarchy rather than a republic.]

  21. Pingback: Wake Up Call at Shakesville

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