DES MOINES — The Department of Homeland Security announced today sweeping arrests in the case of a young Muslim fanatic with designs on ending the world. Officials are saying that the arrest and subsequent beating of Sheikh Mohammad bin Yassin, is a huge blow to al Qaeda’s Iowa operations.
Bin Yassin, 5, is reportedly fourth in line for the leadership of al Qaeda Des Moines, and has had a long history of terrorizing freedom-loving neighbors. The arrest was made during a “play date” with bin Yassin, a young female neighbor, and a 37-year-old male undercover CIA operative, who cannot be named due to his covert status.
Details of the raid remain sketchy, but one unidentified DHS official said it again showed off both rapid-fire response of the DHS, as well as showcasing the fact that terrorists are everywhere and want to kill as many innocents as possible.
“Basically, they were sitting around playing with dolls when one girl told the alleged Sheikh that her mom was, in fact, prettier than the Sheikh’s mom,” said the source. “The Sheikh jumped up and said she’d blow up the world if that was true. That’s when we came in and settled her down with a rifle butt to the skull.
“When you have a plot like this that has been this dedicated this much time and effort put into it, it really does signal that this is a real thing,” added the source.
Sources close to the investigation say the girl has a long history of threats against humanity, as well as ties to al Qaeda operatives. A Fox News story identified the girl as bin Yassin, and pointed out her long trip from freedom fighter in Afghanistan, to terror warlord. Conservative writers were quick to claim victory.
“Once again, the liberal mainstream media acts as if nothing happened,” wrote Ace of Ace of Spades. “But no, they won’t say squat about bin Yassin’s and the six billion or more lives that were saved, but they’ll complain day and night about treating war veterans well. That right there is the liberal disease destroying this great nation.”
Others were more cautious in their optimism.
“Hmm, did the Department of Homeland Security just save the world. Maybe. Perhaps some enhanced interrogations techniques on the precocious bin Yassin will get to the bottom of it,” wrote Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit fame.
A neighbor of bin Yassin, who is being held in an undisclosed location, said that the little girl always had dreams of world domination.
“She would never share,” said the neighbor, 4.
Officials said that bin Yassin’s parents, Bob and Sandy Hansen, have been under investigation by the DHS for over a year. They continue to insist on referring to their daughter as “Becky” and have claimed to “not know any actual Muslims.” The couple has also repeatedly denied that their daughter had the actual capability to blow up the planet. They are currently being held without bail in a supermax prison somewhere in Romania.
In other war-on-terror news, military judges at the U.S. prison camp at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, threw out war crimes charges against an aide to al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden and against a Canadian accused of killing a U.S. soldier.
The official shrugged off the setback, and said the main story in the war on terror was the capture on bin Yassin.
“There will always be critics and people trying to put spin on captures like these,” said the official. “But the simple fact and unequivocal truth is that this little girl would have beheaded every American she could and enslaved the rest under Shia Law. Thanks to George W. Bush and the Republican Party, the world has once again been saved. It has nothing to do with politics.”
Crossposted at Williamkwolfrum.com