HARRISBURG, Penn. (July 4, 2057) — Standing on the beaches of this coastal town, U.S. President and CEO Grover Bush III told a crowd of cheering supporter that the Iraq conflict was halfway home.
“We continue to follow the South Korean model in regard to Iraq, and we’ve been there for 100 years. So we’re halfway home,” said Bush. “Of course, I can’t promise that. As you know, things occur that we never imagined. No one anticipated that rising sea levels would wipe out the East Coast. No one. Anything can happen when Christ guides you. But seriously, the insurgency is just about done.”
Iraq, which was ushered in as the 42nd state in 2032, has long been a point of contention for many in the United States (which closed at €28.75 on the Fox Stock Exchange)
The “Make Iraq into South Korea” movement (which was ratified into the Constitution in 2015 as the 29th Amendment, following the 28th amendment “Homosexuals: You Don’t Have to Go Home But You Can’t Stay Here”) was originally introduced by former President, the St. George W. Bush. While the plan has been modified repeatedly over the years, its main essence – keeping the U.S. in the Middle East – has remained clear.
There have been unique challenges, however. When then-President Tom Tancredo unveiled his “Let’s Send Mexicans to Iraq If They Hate Mexico That Much,” plan in 2013, many were stunned. When the program was finally halted in 2015, it was proven that the majority of those sent to Iraq were not illegal immigrants. Records showed, however, that the majority of those sent to the Middle East under the plan were, in fact, Guatemalan. To this day, there are pockets of terrified and confused Guatemalans roaming the crater-filled Iraqi countryside.
Despite the problems, President Bush has shown a single-mindedness in regard to the Iraq situation. Nonetheless, the President was emphatic that Iraqis needed to stand on their own feet and that U.S. Corporate support wouldn’t last forever.
“There are a lot of brave Iraqis and Guatamalans over there that just want peace,” said Bush. “I fully understand the need for the Iraqi government to meet certain benchmarks, and they are dedicated to achieving those benchmarks. And they mean it this time.”
Speaking from the U.S. Corp Capital Compound in Paraguay, Vice-President Prince Samuel David Cheney insisted that fighting the Islamic Muslim Jihadist Nazi Death Makers was still foremost on the Administration’s mind and that the U.S. would appear weak to leave the State of Iraq until the insurgency was quelled.
“When 9/11 came, we realized we were in a different world,” said Cheney, referring to Sept. 11, 2008, when the U.S. Supreme Court dissolved itself and gave the Cheney family Monarchial powers. “Every last one of you will have their heads chopped off by Islamic militants if we’re questioned. Look what happened to the Democrats.”
Cheney also spoke briefly of the latest communication from Iran, which is now reportedly just three years away from building their own super-double nuclear warhead.
“When Iran and Osama bin Laden plotted to take down the World Trade Center we all sat and watched,” said Cheney. “The time for watching is over again, and I truly believe the Iranian leader won’t listen to reason, and that a fifth attack on Tehran will be necessary.”
Cody Gifford, CEO of Walmart South Korea could not be reached for comment, though an anonymous source said they were fine with the Blackwater U.S. Military and Security continuing their occupation and that Diet Coke Zero Classic was now on sale for €22.99 a six-pack, limit two per customer.
In other news, insurgents attacked a Drug Emporium in Baghdad on Thursday, leaving two BUSMS injured and one dead. With casualties now approaching a quarter-million, War Czar Jenna Bush reiterated a common theme of the U.S. Corporation and its Middle East expansion:
“About 2.5 million Americans died in the Walmart Wars, if I recall. We’re not even at 10 percent of that,” said Jenna Bush, who later spoke in length on the Diet Coke Zero Classic sale. “These last few generations really don’t know what sacrifice really is.”