News from Shakes Manor

[Scene: This morning, driving Mr. Shakes to the train. Having our usual morning chat about things.]

Mr. Shakes: What are yoor plans foor the day?

Shakes: Same as every day—fight the forces of evil.

Mr. Shakes: Good stooff.

[We pass the skankiest porn shop on the planet, creatively named “XXX Adult Bookstore XXX.”]

Mr. Shakes: If you get boored, you shoold do soome broosing at the Adoolt Bookstoore.

Shakes: Fantastic idea. I’ve never been in an “adult bookstore” before. What kind of adult books do they have? Is it like the adult books section of the library? Can I expect to find Tolstoy, James Joyce? Things like that? Or is it mostly wankrags?

Mr. Shakes: Moostly wankrags, I’m toold.

Shakes: Ah. Not so much books then at all, really.

Mr. Shakes: Proobably noot.

Shakes: I won’t find The Handmaid’s Tale?

Mr. Shakes: I doobt they carry Margaret Atwood.

Shakes: Didn’t you just read that book, by the way?

Mr. Shakes: Aye. A few weeks agoo. I liked it.

Shakes: DYSTOPIAN NIGHTMARE! [<——said in a 60’s robot voice]

Mr. Shakes: Ooh, I doon’t knoo. It has its good points.

Shakes: Cheeky. Don’t even think about calling me Ofiain.

Mr. Shakes: I wooldn’t. Yoo’re my wife, not my mistress for breedin’. I guess wives get to keep their own names, eh?

Shakes: I wasn’t born with the name McEwan.

Mr. Shakes: Ooh, right! I tootally oon you!

Shakes: [stink eye]

Mr. Shakes: [gazing out the window, almost to himself] I quite liked The Handmaid’s Tale. It was tootally 1984 for girls.

Shakes: I’m blogging that.

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47 Comments

Filed under 01_shakespeares_sister

47 responses to “News from Shakes Manor

  1. Mr. Shakes: [gazing out the window, almost to himself] I quite liked The Handmaid’s Tale. It was tootally 1984 for girls.

    Shakes: I’m blogging that.

    Awesome.

  2. Shakes, you should collect these “Shakes Manor” posts into a book entitled “Scenes from a Marriage.”

  3. Awesome book as well.

    🙂

    I always thought The Robber Bride was great too, I can’t believe it hasn’t been made into a movie. (Robber Bride, that is – I saw The Handmaid’s Tale.)

    Did you like the film version?

  4. nightshift66

    1984 for girls! That’s brilliant!! The best and most accurate 3 word book review I’ve ever seen.

  5. Melissa McEwan

    Did you like the film version?

    I did.

  6. “What!? Have ye gone waxy in your beester? I canna fit in the wee vent, ye croquet-playin’ mint-muncher!”

  7. PortlyDyke

    Shakes, you should collect these “Shakes Manor” posts into a book entitled “Scenes from a Marriage.”

    I’d buy that book.

  8. I like reading Mr. Shakes’ parts out loud.

    I swear my daughter is gonna have me committed as soon as she can reach the telephone.

  9. georg

    I’ve been in adult bookstores, and I even a book or two from it. When you are really bored, it’s entertaining to edit the grammar and spelling mistakes which are terribly distracting.

  10. I think husbands want their wives to go into these stores to see what they will come out with.

    OK. Thats projection.

    I should say I think MY husband would like to see what I’d come out with.

    1984- funny!

  11. Dug the book and the movie. I love Atwood’s tone, writing as if she’s dreading that someone will hear her thinking out loud. Natasha Richardson caught some of that in her performance.

    Imagine living a life where everything you say or do could either get you mildly rewarded or in deep shit. And that’s not even the worst of it, by far. After all, you could be a Child of Ham and sent to a radioactive camp in Utah.

  12. Robin, they made a tv movie version of “Robber Bride” for a station here in Canada. Mary Louise Parker was in it.
    Didn’t see it.
    Margaret Atwood is honored with the highest accolades here, naturally.

  13. Melissa McEwan

    I’ve been in adult bookstores

    So have I. I was just engaging a little faux naïveté so I could wax inane about them. 😉

  14. A few years ago I went in to an adult bookstore and found out that my college roommate had quite the career as an actor in straight porn in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s, including a couple of films with John Holmes.

    To this day he wonders why his acting career hasn’t taken off.

  15. Mamasquab

    You do a great Scots accent, but Ah doot Mr. Shakes said “doubt,” lassie.

  16. PortlyDyke

    I’ve been in adult bookstores

    So have I. I was just engaging a little faux naïveté so I could wax inane about them. 😉

    I’m shocked, Sis! Shocked, I tell you!

    No not about the bookstore — but that you would practice Faux Naivete! (And how DO you get those diacritics?)

    I had a friend who would rent porn just so that she could laugh hysterically over the “dialogue” — she would cover the TV screen while the tape was playing, which made it even better — by the end of her “research project” she had a snappy collection of one-liners such as “worship my knob”, that never failed to crack us up.

  17. Melissa McEwan

    Ah doot Mr. Shakes said “doubt,” lassie

    Hey, I’ve got him saying “doobt”! 😛

  18. Arkades

    I like reading Mr. Shakes’ parts out loud.

    Me too! I tootally doo that! (Glad it’s not just me.)

    ~~~

    As for adult bookstores… they’re almost invariably disappointing, because the ratio of stuff I find interesting to the amount of stuff on offer is almost always depressingly small.

    Even in the adult stores that have a decent amount of gay stuff, the sort of men featured are seldom to my tastes. (Too young and too conventionally ‘cute’, by my reckoning; I prefer a more rugged ‘lived-in’ look, which is one of many reasons ‘bears’ appeal to me.)

    All of which serves only to remind me that not only am I a sexual minority, I’m a subculture within that minority. (And if you throw in the various nerdly elements that comprise my hobbies, you can actually make several more recursive ‘subculture’ calls on top of that, too.)

    I suppose I have to console myself with the notion that it’s better to be interesting than to be popularly understood.

  19. Melissa McEwan

    I prefer a more rugged ‘lived-in’ look, which is one of many reasons ‘bears’ appeal to me

    You and me both! Grrrrr.

    I suppose I have to console myself with the notion that it’s better to be interesting than to be popularly understood.

    That’s totally going to be my next tagline on the header: We console ourselves with the notion that it’s better to be interesting than to be popularly understood. 😀

  20. oddjob

    (And how DO you get those diacritics?)

    Ms. Dyke, go here. It’s an excellent tutorial! (If you can’t deal with a black field format, he has other choices available on the upper left of the home page.)

  21. Greta

    Robin, they made a tv movie version of “Robber Bride” for a station here in Canada. Mary Louise Parker was in it.

    This version was on TV in the US as well – the Oxygen network I think – back in March or April.

  22. I think that the comment system will also accept numerical character codes. E.g., é = hold down the “Alt” key and type the numbers “0233” in the comment window; è = Alt + 0232. You can find other codes via your computer’s Character Map.

  23. PortlyDyke

    Thank you oddjob! I’m learning as I type. You are a true gentle-person. 😉

  24. If gay male porn is disappointing, lesbian porn is positively made for straight men. If you want to watch people squirm, wander around a porm store and read title aloud and laugh uproariously to yourself.

  25. said in a 60’s robot voice

    awesome…

    i didn’t like Handmaid’s Tale at all. but my roommate did.

  26. that underlined part was supposed to be a link to the review i wrote. oh well, let me sum up that i thought it was a dreadfully boring.

  27. Lamb Cannon

    Had always hoped Margaret A. would do a sequel… it’s high time

  28. Melissa McEwan

    said in a 60’s robot voice

    awesome…

    I’m embarrassed to admit that I talk in a 60’s robot voice probably 50% of every day.

  29. PortlyDyke

    I’m embarrassed to admit that I talk in a 60’s robot voice probably 50% of every day.

    Sound byte, please.

  30. jp

    Very amusing. I’ve known a few Scots, so I get a kick out of these glimpses of life in Shakes Manor, complete with phonetic dialogue.

    Rhetorical question: Do ALL Scot males have the SAME sense of humor?

    Rock on!

  31. r@d@r

    I’m embarrassed to admit that I talk in a 60’s robot voice probably 50% of every day.

    well there you go – the cause of scores of fanboy/girl crushes laid bare for all to see.

    you know what i want to see [or at least hear]? a porn flick with the dialog delivered in a 60’s robot voice. like, remember the star trek episode “mudd’s women”? those robots. doing porn. “your size…..it is….illogical…..” etc.

  32. Melissa McEwan

    those robots. doing porn. “your size…..it is….illogical…..”

    😆

    This is a typical exchange at Shakes Manor (all in robot voices, natch):

    Me: THE LISSIEBOT 3000 NEEDS A SODA.

    Mr. Shakes: DOES NOT COMPUTE.

    Me: THE LISSIEBOT 3000 NEEDS REPLENISHMENT BEFORE A COMPLETE OVERHAUL OF THE INTERNAL SYSTEMS BECOMES NECESSARY.

    Mr. Shakes: THE IATRON 3000 IS RECHARGING.

    Me: THE LISSIEBOT 3000 PREPARED YOUR EVENING NOURISHMENT. PLEASE RETRIEVE SODA IMMEDIATELY.

    Mr. Shakes: HIGHLY ILLOGICAL.

    It is at this point we usually turn into Rock’em Sock’em Robots.

  33. SAP

    Why am I suddenly reminded of this?

  34. SAP

    Uh oh. I can has pikchure?

  35. Melissa McEwan

    Uh oh. I can has pikchure?

    Do these comments not let you add a picture? They let me…

  36. Wordprez r bigoted aginzt uz. Can’t has pikshur

  37. SAP

    I no can has pickshure. I cry now. 😉

  38. Melissa McEwan

    I no can has pickshure. I cry now.

    WTP?! I’m sorry–I’ll see if I can figure out how to allow pix in comments…

  39. I believe it isn’t possible, as it isn’t on Pandagon. Then again, that may be on purpose, given the level of trollage.

  40. PortlyDyke

    Cannot . . . *gasp* . . . . live . . . *gasp* . . . . without . . . . SAP’s pickshures *expiring*

  41. Do I have to state the obvious and say that Shakes Manor is my favorite sitcom and — thank god — it does not need a laugh track?

    No, I didn’t think so.

  42. oddjob

    To find Margaret Atwood in a porn bookstore you probably really need to check out a popular gay bookstore in a city with few other likely bookstores. In a place like that you’ll get the men’s section (which usually has an abundance of (gay obviously) port, but also get to enjoy the women’s section where Atwood is most likely to be found.

  43. Neneh

    ditto kevin!

  44. MR. Bill

    Anyone else like “The Blind Assassin?” I loved it. “Oryx and Crake”, not so much.

    And My Boyfriend and I wonder about the sitcom Potential of “It’s a Bears Life”.. When a mouse is on the bird feeder, he goes “where a cat when You need one?”

    And the Scots poet Hugh McDarmid (a pseudonym, can’t pull up his real name and too short of time to google) had a piece that was just invective:
    “You creeping jasuses, little old ladies of both sexes, noted connoisseurs of bread-and butter, loathsome ‘scots wa’ ha’ ya’..)
    that is hilarious.
    Off now for a weekend with the guy. Ya’ll keep it down.

  45. car

    I have to say, between the awesome story of the two of you getting together and the hilarious renditions of your everyday conversations, you and Mr. Shakes are officially the cutest couple ever on the planet.

  46. Arkades

    That’s totally going to be my next tagline on the header: We console ourselves with the notion that it’s better to be interesting than to be popularly understood.

    Yay!

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