White House Aide Dan Bartlett, who is one of President Bush’s most trusted advisors (so we probably owe him a huge thanks for all the hott advice he’s been giving), has resigned to “reacquaint [him]self with [his] family.” In case you’re not fluent in bullshit, let me translate for you: The rat’s jumping ship.
In honor of his departure—which, because he’s a flag-waving monkeynut like everyone else in his party, will be “effective around July 4″—I thought I’d repost my favorite Barlett-related communiqué: Endangered Species, originally published June 13, 2006. Adios, Dan. Fare thee well. We’ll miss your spintastic presidential asslicking.
“It is the president’s decision to make and he will decide when it is appropriate to let the American people know he has made it.” — Dan Bartlett
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Endangered Species: As you know, I have great informants all over the place, and one of them has just shipped me this amazing image, captured during the filming of a National Geographic documentary on the rare and wonderful chickenhawk.
Scientists have named the chickenhawk on the left “Tony Snow” and the chickenhawk on the right “Dan Bartlett.” The reason they look so skittish is because war zones are not the chickenhawks’ natural habitat. These two were misled into the unfamiliar territory by the leader of their pack, called “George Bush,” who was searching for some red meat to throw to all the little baby chickenhawks. My source has told me that we shouldn’t worry about these two adorable little guys, though, because they will soon be returned to the safety of their natural environment, behind large desks, where their asses will unclench and resume the spreading natural to chickenhawks.