Bye-Bye Bartlett

White House Aide Dan Bartlett, who is one of President Bush’s most trusted advisors (so we probably owe him a huge thanks for all the hott advice he’s been giving), has resigned to “reacquaint [him]self with [his] family.” In case you’re not fluent in bullshit, let me translate for you: The rat’s jumping ship.

In honor of his departure—which, because he’s a flag-waving monkeynut like everyone else in his party, will be “effective around July 4″—I thought I’d repost my favorite Barlett-related communiqué: Endangered Species, originally published June 13, 2006. Adios, Dan. Fare thee well. We’ll miss your spintastic presidential asslicking.

“It is the president’s decision to make and he will decide when it is appropriate to let the American people know he has made it.” — Dan Bartlett

* * *

Endangered Species: As you know, I have great informants all over the place, and one of them has just shipped me this amazing image, captured during the filming of a National Geographic documentary on the rare and wonderful chickenhawk.

Scientists have named the chickenhawk on the left “Tony Snow” and the chickenhawk on the right “Dan Bartlett.” The reason they look so skittish is because war zones are not the chickenhawks’ natural habitat. These two were misled into the unfamiliar territory by the leader of their pack, called “George Bush,” who was searching for some red meat to throw to all the little baby chickenhawks. My source has told me that we shouldn’t worry about these two adorable little guys, though, because they will soon be returned to the safety of their natural environment, behind large desks, where their asses will unclench and resume the spreading natural to chickenhawks.

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11 Comments

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11 responses to “Bye-Bye Bartlett

  1. Why do they even bother to say “to spend more time with family” any more? I don’t think that even the 28%’ers believe that shite anymore!

    Also, a layout request, O Most High and Mighty One. Would it be possible to add the “Recent Posts” sidebar thingy to the individual post pages? That would simplify navigation for those of us who like to jump around the site.

  2. Constant Comment

    He’s been with Bush 14 years and is only missing his family NOW? Um, ok…whatever.

  3. Jeff

    He’s a Bushie….Let me translate his resignation statement for you:

    “I’m leaving the White House because I want more time to detain and interrogate my wife and children….I look forward to many evenings sitting next to a roaring fire (fed by a paper shredder), while listening in on my family’s telephone calls.”

  4. Jeff

    CAPTION TO THE ABOVE PHOTO:

    TONY: “I hope those sticcatto mettalic pings we keep hearing are from Iraqis showering us with flowers and chocolates for liberating them.”

    DAN: “I don’t know about that, Tony…but one things for sure…I believe I just “surged” in my drawers.”

  5. I hope I never have to see his poorly fitting dentures clacking around in his lying mouth again.

  6. Melissa McEwan

    Would it be possible to add the “Recent Posts” sidebar thingy to the individual post pages?

    Sure. I’ll try to sort that out.

  7. Allie

    I thought, for a second, you meant President Jed Bartlett of the West Wing, and I almost cried. Dan Bartlett I can live without through.

  8. Kate217

    Aw, man! What did his poor family do to deserve cruel and unusual punishment?

  9. Pingback: Bartlett to depart

  10. amish451

    …oh Most High and Mighty One…

    I prefer… Blog Mistress ……has a sort of leathery, koolwhip with consequences connotation …

    ..and yes the sidebar thingy was a handy feature …

  11. amish451

    Oh yes and Bartlett departure …I too feared the reference was to former President Bartlett ..by the way my personal choice for the perfect candidate for the Dems. come ’08 ….

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