Freddy Got Fingered

Looking at the sad sausage-fest that is their current crop of presidential hopefuls, some members of the GOP recently decided they’d start not-so-covertly campaigning for erstwhile Republican Senator and middling character actor Fred Thompson to get into the race. While some might say that the GOP’s palpable desperation for an heir to Reagan’s throne became completely pathetic once they fixed their sights on another actor, I would argue that it’s always been completely pathetic, but now has simply just been taken to a riotous level of literalism.

Well, their very, very literal fantasy may yet yield a very, very hopefully figurative collective orgasm, because if a report by Drudge-fluffer Mike Allen in The Politico is to be believed, Freddy will indeed be running for president.

(Here I’ll link to Cliff Schecter, who’s linking to The Politico, rather than directly to that putrid cesspool of journalistic waste, because every time you link directly to The Politico, the Glenn Greenwald caricature sheds a tear).

Anyhoo…the gist of Allen’s piece on Thompson is that he plans to announce his campaign during the Fourth of July holiday (barf), and that he “has already raised several million dollars and is being backed by insiders from the past three Republican administrations.” Insiders who, evidently, didn’t attend his disastrous appearance before the Lincoln Club of Orange County a few weeks ago. Then again, maybe Freddy’s given them a private performance showing off some newly acquired mad presidentin’ skillz; he is an actor, you know.

Hey—did I mention he’s an actor…? Like Reagan…?!

As far as I’m concerned, Freddy 4 Prez is fantastic news, because, in spite of his genuine(ly heinous) conservative credentials, he’s still less scary than Giuliani the Jackbooted, Romney the Wriggler, and McCain the Fucking Nutzoid Douchebag (not to mention Newt, who still might run)—so if the Dems manage to bloody blow it again and lose the White House again, which is never outwith the realm of possibility, I would, I’m horrified to say, prefer Thompson to the rest of the stinking lot being proffered by the rightwingers this go-round.

Also, I’m still rooting for a Thompson/Thompson ticket.

Fred Thompson for President.

Tommy Thompson for Vice President.

That’s GOP gold, baby.

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43 Comments

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43 responses to “Freddy Got Fingered

  1. I don’t like Thompson’s politics any better than Reagan’s, but at least he’s a good actor.

    All the more reason he should stick to acting.

  2. Anyone that gets Tweety and Margaret Carlson drooling and orgasmic has to be a manly man. But a Rethuglican ticket with two “Johnsons” would be better than two Thompsons.

  3. Nik E Poo

    … by Drudge-fluffer …

    LOL! Funny and funny.
    Thanks for the morning pick-me-up!

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  5. Jeff

    He’ll never get the vote of so-called “social conservitives”.

    After all, Fred’s what…in his low to mid HUNDREDS? and I seriously doubt his current wife was much more than a zygote when he started his acting career….Don’t get me wrong…Mrs. Fred is a hammer, but the relationship just stinks the “Anna Nicole and J. Howard” stench of the prom queen bedding the walking corpse for the cash.

    Somehow, the thought of a first lady with more curves than Taledega and a honking pair of after-market add-ons strapped to her thorax doesn’t strike me as something thaty would be too appealing to the knuckle-dragging mouth-breathers who populate the shallow-end of the gene pool down in the bible belt.

    On second thought….I think old Fred should run…If he does, she’ll get an extra million from Hef for her pictures after he loses.

  6. Constant Comment

    Do we think the majority of Republicans will not mix up the Thompson Twins on the ballot? Just asking…

  7. so if the Dems manage to bloody blow it again and lose the White House again, which is never outwith the realm of possibility

    I’m going to keep saying it: It’s not only within the realm of possibility, it’s almost a certainty. Chris Matthews and Maureen Dowd and the Washington Post opinion page will see to it.

  8. I’m hear what Jeff is saying, but I think he moves to the front of the line. I think he’ll be front runner. At least until Newt throws his grimy hat into the ring. Then, it will be a free for all. Newt will get the fundies, (don’t even bother – no, they won’t see the irony of that), and the Nascar masses will vote for Thompson.

    I hope he runs.

  9. If the Republicans suddenly jump from Rudy to Fred, it will only show how desperate they are to win at any cost; they’ll go from a liberal/creepy mayor from the Northeast to a down-home right-winger from Tennessee without breaking a sweat or having to explain it.

    I thought it was the Democrats who were schizo.

  10. nightshift66

    Many (perhaps most) of you are too young to personally remember how much Ronald Reagan was jeered and mocked in 1979 and early 1980. Jimmy Carter prayed to the Almighty that the Repubs would be foolish enough to nominate Reagan, while James Baker and Bush I were considered the ‘serious’ candidates for the GOP nomination. Be very careful what you wish for.

    Frankly, acting skills are probably the single most important thing a CANDIDATE for office can have. The ability to make bland, inoffensive cliches sound like bold initiatives is invaluable. And far too many people will certainly vote for the guy (yes, always a guy for such people) who LOOKS presidential.

    Personally, I think the best thing that could happen for the Left is if the GOP convention has to choose between the top 3 guys, none of whom has the nomination locked up. With the front-loading of FL and CA and the fact that all delegates are proportionally distributed from primary results, that is a strong possibility for both parties. Let them rip themselves apart for a change.

  11. Didn’t you guys hear? Tom Coburn might run!!

    From yesterdays comments on it……

    Coburn/Tancredo ’08: You want crazy? We got it!

  12. NonyNony

    Jeff –

    Somehow, the thought of a first lady with more curves than Taledega and a honking pair of after-market add-ons strapped to her thorax doesn’t strike me as something thaty would be too appealing to the knuckle-dragging mouth-breathers who populate the shallow-end of the gene pool down in the bible belt.

    Um, do you actually KNOW any of the “knuckle-dragging mouth-breathers who populate teh shallow-end of the gene pool down in the bible belt”?

    Because, seriously, an old dude with a hot wife is NOT going to be a problem for these guys. Especially if the wife looks like she’s more of a fixture than a partner. Younger Hot Wife equals Much Manliness among the particular crowd that you’re talking about, and Manliness is something that they look for in a Dear Leader.

    I think you’re confusing them with the “Church Ladies” who might tut-tut such shennanigans. But if they convince themselves that she’s not a gold digger and that Thompson is the one who “wears the pants” in the marriage, it won’t matter to them either.

  13. I still stand by my belief that the eventual GOP nominee for 2008 will be the corpse of Ronald Reagan.

    –WKW

  14. oddjob

    I still stand by my belief that the eventual GOP nominee for 2008 will be the corpse of Ronald Reagan.

    (BTW, not sure than link is working, WKW.)

    To the extent they continue to pine for a repeat of what was fresh almost thirty years ago, they will continue to marginalize themselves just as badly as the Dems. who couldn’t get past the collapse of the New Deal coalition did in the wake of the rise of American conservatism during the 1980’s & 90’s.

    They are living in a past that the next generation of young Americans now arriving on the scene will reject, just as those now in their 40’s & 50’s rejected American liberalism as we saw it portrayed by the Carter administration.

  15. The entire GOP presidential field, announced or unannounced, is so very, very sad.

  16. (BTW, not sure than link is working, WKW.)

    Don’t mind me, I was just off on some bizarre voyage of self-promotion. That you can find here.

    Personally, I’m still holding out for Newt. If anyone can completely finish off the Republicans as we know them, it’s him. Of course, he’d finish off the U.S. if elected. But I refuse to believe we live in a world that could see Gingrich elected President.

    –WKW

  17. oddjob

    I’m still holding out for Newt. If anyone can completely finish off the Republicans as we know them, it’s him.

    LOL!! A consummation devoutly to be wished!

  18. Melissa McEwan

    Many (perhaps most) of you are too young to personally remember how much Ronald Reagan was jeered and mocked in 1979 and early 1980.

    The average age of Shakes readers is about 47, so probably not. Hell, even I remember that, and I was five! 😉

  19. oddjob

    (OT, where is the access to emoticons?)

  20. The American people will never vote for someone that ugly.

    Sadly, the Presidential race has become part beauty contest. Thompson has the face of a bulldog. Imagine him barking at Hilary in a debate! He’d come off looking like a cranky old grandpa. Not attractive. Not young and hip. In other words, a loser.

    If you want to narrow the field of candidates, just eliminate all of the unattractive people.

  21. oddjob

    If he comes across as cranky, I’ll agree with you Fritz, but if he instead comes across as both reasonable and also possessing “gravitas” I think all bets are off.

  22. Melissa McEwan

    (OT, where is the access to emoticons?)

    They’re generated automatically. So just do the colon-) or semicolon-) thingies, and they show up.

  23. oddjob

    🙂 😉

  24. oddjob

    Well, that’s a start. Thanks.

  25. nightshift66

    Average age here is 47?? How can that be? Is everyone using 20 year old pictures? Or is Grumpy Old Man skewing the average? (Just kidding, GOM. Please let me live.)

    Concerning Fred, though, I still consider him to be the greatest threat in the general election. Every one of the current top 3 GOP candidates would leave considerable portions of their own base home on Election Day, and any defections by states in the Republican “L” (big Mountain West and Dixie) make a Democratic victory all but certain. Thompson hasn’t the negatives among Repugs that McCain (too erratic), Guiliani (too liberal), and Romney (too Mormon) have.

  26. Melissa McEwan

    Average age here is 47?? How can that be? Is everyone using 20 year old pictures?

    That’s the average age of the readers (I did a poll awhile back), not necessarily the contributors, whose ages I won’t reveal (I don’t even know them all myself; I’m not sure I know yours!), although we do have contributors who are older than the average. 😉

  27. If he comes across as cranky, I’ll agree with you Fritz…

    I’ve never seen him portray anything except a gruff and cranky old dude. I just saw him in Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee on HBO — playing President U.S. Grant — and he basically just sat in a chair and growled.

    I don’t think he’s a very good actor. He just plays the same type of character over and over again. Cranky CIA director, grumpy admiral, ill-tempered D.A., etc.

  28. oddjob

    I guess the telling thing would be to recall how he seemed as a senator. Unfortunately I have no recollection of that.

  29. Hmmm….I think I’ll test the Smilies includes.

    🙂 🙂 and 🙂
    😀 😀 and 😀
    😦 😦 and 😦
    😮 😮 and 😮
    😯 😯 and 😯
    😕 😕 and 😕
    8) 😎 and 😎
    😆
    😡 😡 and 😡
    😛 😛 and 😛
    😥
    👿
    😈
    🙄
    😉 😉 and 😉

    💡

    😐 😐 and 😐
    :mrgreen:

    🙂

  30. oddjob

    Wow! Where do I get the codes?

  31. Wow! Where do I get the codes?

    I’ll have to look up the codes for colons and parentheses and post the codes for you. Otherwise, they just convert to smilies.

    Give me ’til tomorrow.

  32. hk

    In my very republican office this was the only guy that they had any good words to say about. They just aren’t “impressed” by all the other candidates.

  33. oddjob

    In my very republican office this was the only guy that they had any good words to say about.

    And that’s because of how he looks, and the knowledge that he voted conservative as a senator. I doubt it’s because the average Republican voter has any real feel for whether Thompson is a good choice or not, rather it’s a default response to the other available choices.

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  36. If you want the smilies shortcuts, just highlight the smilies and select “view selection source”. Whatever’s listed under alt=”the smiley thing” is how you make it.

    Even easier– highlight the smilies and paste them into a text editor (like notepad). They’ll change back from smilies to text.

    Or… 🙂 🙂 and 🙂
    😀 😀 and 😀
    😦 😦 and 😦
    😮 😮 and 😮
    😯 😯 and 😯
    😕 😕 and 😕
    8) 😎 and 😎
    😆
    😡 😡 and 😡
    😛 😛 and 😛
    😥
    👿
    😈
    🙄
    😉 😉 and 😉

    💡

    😐 😐 and 😐
    :mrgreen:

    🙂

  37. I tried adding a raw tag, but it was skipped over. Cut and pasting into a text editor (or this comment box!) seems like the best route.

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  39. MarkS

    Red meat, testosterone, the Bible, flag waving – these are the things that keep me up at night in a cold sweat. Karl Marx, Joseph Stalin, walls to keep people in, re-distribution of wealth, barfing at the thought of the Fourth of July – comforting thoughts, all. Excuse me while I scratch my belly, and have the wife crack open a brewsky for me. All this mouth breathin’s gettin’ me all dang plum parched.

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