WASHINGTON – The Republican Party, bloated by corruption, failure, ego and arrogance, was shot today by 11-year-old Jamison Stone in Alabama.”It feels really good,” Jamison said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press. “It’s a good accomplishment. I probably won’t ever kill anything else that big.”
Jamison said he shot the huge political party eight times with a .50-caliber revolver and chased it for three hours through hilly woods before finishing it off with a point-blank shot.
Witnesses say the GOP fought for its life until the very end, desperately trying to make deals with lobbyists and attempting to funnel lucrative government contracts to its pals.”It really didn’t want to die,” said a witness. “It was bleeding pretty bad and staggering, but it was still trying to pass a tax cut for oil companies, when it just started wailing something about voter fraud and then dropped.”
In keeping with its will, the carcass of the GOP will be burned in front of starving families and its ashes blown into the eyes of minorities.
The GOP’s head is being mounted by Jerry Cunningham of Jerry’s Taxidermy.
“It’s huge,” he said. “It’s just the biggest thing I’ve ever seen.”
Friends and relatives of the GOP could not be reached for comment.